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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have dinner with a colleague?

167 replies

AgeLikeWine · 03/02/2020 19:04

I’m going on a business trip this week. A colleague who works in a different department happens to be going to the same place as me at the same time. We will be travelling on the same flights, working in the same office and staying at the same hotel.

I do know this guy, but we are not friends, and I would prefer not to meet up with him for dinner in the evenings. I’m looking forward to some relaxed me-time, perhaps enjoying dinner with my book or having a take-away in my room rather than making awkward small talk over dinner.

AIBU to make it clear that I don’t want to meet up, and what would be the most tactful & diplomatic way to do so?

OP posts:
EUnamechange · 04/02/2020 15:28

Oh yes, I dislike when colleagues / other delegates join you for breakfast. I'm barely able to grunt at that time of day. Fortunately most people are in a similar state.

Or worse, when people are trying to help out your busy schedule by scheduling a breakfast meeting. I'm so useless at breakfast meetings I end up having to get up over an hour earlier to have coffee and a pre-breakfast breakfast so I can be on decent form for the real breakfast. Plus you never end up eating much at a breakfast meeting.

NRPDad · 04/02/2020 15:52

Numerous perfectly acceptable reasons for wanting to spend your evening alone. I have both used and heard all of these:

i) completely honest - say what you've basically said in your posts, you've got some plans yourself
ii) after all the travel, long work day etc, you just want to chill out on your own
iii) you want a quiet night and to go to bed early so are just going to grab some room service
iv) you want to catch up on some tv shows in your room so are getting room service

Unless they're a complete tool, the person in question will not be offended.

Quite possibly they will not even ask. Or if they ask they might be doing so in order to be polite and have similar thoughts to you.

Regardless, all a non issue.

icedgem85 · 04/02/2020 17:34

It wouldn’t be normal to meet up for dinner. It won’t be awkward either. If he says what are you doing for dinner just say staying in my room. If he sees you out later, say you changed your mind! He won’t mind!

exaltedwombat · 04/02/2020 17:43

And after ALL the trouble he took arranging to be alone with you in a hotel...

Jack80 · 04/02/2020 17:45

Unless he has mentioned meeting up after work don't mention it

TeacupDrama · 04/02/2020 17:49

there will be lots of people from various religious groups that would not dine alone with someone of the opposite sex maybe as part of a large group but not just as two people, some don't shake hands etc,

this is common in many workplaces; so the idea that someone would be completely shocked by someone from a different culture not behaving the same way seems rather odd

Rtruth · 04/02/2020 18:03

Has he asked to have dinner or are you assuming he’d want to.

If he asks, just explain you just want night in alone as you need to relax after work.

Unless he is some kind of stalker, pretty sure he won’t care too much.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 04/02/2020 18:07

BigFatLiar Mon 03-Feb-20 19:25:53
Just let him know you'd rather unwind on your own if it arises.

When my OH used to travel if he was with a female colleague he made a point of not eating with them in the evening if they were alone. No problem telling them, he simply said it was inappropriate.

But why would it be inappropriate?

Mamalexi343 · 04/02/2020 18:09

The link I clicked on was aibu pooping in the ensuite not realising it had sent me to your thread for some reason, I was reading it and waiting for you to say you didn't want him pooping in your ensuite 😂

MimiLaRue · 04/02/2020 18:10

When my OH used to travel if he was with a female colleague he made a point of not eating with them in the evening if they were alone. No problem telling them, he simply said it was inappropriate

In my experience, the people who make themselves out to be the most moral and holier than thou (and need to tell everyone about it) are usually the ones who are doing all kinds of dodgy things in the shadows. This reminds me of conservative politicians who lecture everyone else about "family values" yet get caught on Hamstead heath having "fallen" on another man's dick

D4rwin · 04/02/2020 18:25

Aren't you meeting an old school friend op?

CheesyWeez · 04/02/2020 18:26

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou

Napkin phobia Grin

starfishmummy · 04/02/2020 19:26

I used to do IT contract work. I've often found myself in the same hotel as colleagues; once for 3 weeks (weekends) . We didnt eat together - no one expected to we all had room service or took food in. We might see each other as we were shown to our table at breakfast and it would be a quick "hi" and then we would see each other later at work.

BigFatLiar · 04/02/2020 19:39

When my OH used to travel if he was with a female colleague he made a point of not eating with them in the evening if they were alone. No problem telling them, he simply said it was inappropriate.

His way of putting it, actually he couldn't cope with being with women he didn't know. He'd always been really introverted and had been teased by women on occasion. Unfortunately while men upsetting women is frowned on, women upsetting men can be seen as a bit of a joke (poor didums). He did his best to simply remove himself from the situation. As he tended to only go to the same sites he found a pub with rooms not too far away (recommended by a friend) and asked the booking agents the business used to book him in there instead of the hotel they normally used. He was fine there, some people with the same hobby (how he was recommended it) and he got on well with the people there.

Cheeserton · 04/02/2020 19:42

Have you considered saying 'no thanks' if asked? It's crazy, but it might just work...

glennamy · 04/02/2020 19:43

Feign a headache... We are experts in that area!

SamanthaBrique · 04/02/2020 20:02

His thoughts are theres no real defence against a claim of sexual misbehaviour so he just removes himself from the situation.

Wait, what?

messolini9 · 04/02/2020 21:04

His thoughts are theres no real defence against a claim of sexual misbehaviour so he just removes himself from the situation.

Sexual misbehaviour, in a hotel restaurant, while eating dinner in full view of staff & other guests?

Is this DH Harry, who met Sally?

Russellbrandshair · 04/02/2020 21:38

He'd always been really introverted and had been teased by women on occasion

So it’s because women would make fun of him- not because it was “inappropriate” then? Why are all these women he encounters “teasing him”? This just gets weirder and weirder....

mammmamia · 04/02/2020 21:40

This is a non issue, it’s perfectly normal to have room service when travelling on business. You are not forced to have dinner with colleagues unless it’s team building or would otherwise be good for your career.

I’ve had dinner plenty of times with male colleagues just the two of us. I’ve also had plenty of room service dinners while watching Netflix. It’s really not a big deal.

mammmamia · 04/02/2020 21:42

Oh yes and I hate having to have breakfast with colleagues. I’m not a morning person. So I try to go very early and bring some pastries back to the room or if possible get room service breakfast. Bliss!

FelicisNox · 05/02/2020 14:20

My IQ just halved reading the comments this thread.

You lot are proper bitchy this week.Hmm

Aridane · 05/02/2020 14:24

When my OH used to travel if he was with a female colleague he made a point of not eating with them in the evening if they were alone. No problem telling them, he simply said it was inappropriate.

WHAT??!!

Aridane · 05/02/2020 14:28

If you really think it's an issue, I would casually mention in conversation your planned spa night in the hotel. movie, bath, nails or whatever people do like that, and room service

Fuck me - I wish my business trips had evenings of wanton relaxation like that!!!! (sounds like a holiday)

BlingLoving · 05/02/2020 14:40

Whenever I've travelled for work, the only time there's any kind of possible expectation of meeting a colleague for dinner is if we're travelling together - ie part of the same team and business trip. If a colleague from an entirely different department was there, and we were friends, then sure, we might meet up, but otherwise it wouldn't be considered necessary or normal. Based on your OP therefore I'm not sure that he would expect dinner (obviously, you haven't said if actually your two departments are friendly and your'e always doing team friday lunches or whatever).

But all the suggestions to decline are perfectly valid. Breezy, polite comment about looking forward to room service/ a good book/ an evening of peace/ catching up on work or whatever. In fact, when I was travelling the most I was single and living with a flatmate. It was a standing joke with colleagues that because my flatmate was so needy, I loved my time in a hotel room alone and they'd all check my nails when I got back or send me links to good portable facial kids etc because we all knew that inevitably that's what I'd be doing in my hotel room, with room service and a bottle of wine from the mini bar!!