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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to leave my husband

140 replies

Teddyo · 03/02/2020 15:06

I've been married for nearly 4 years now. Since the beginning of our marriage, he's never been home, until dawn 4AM or later. He's never financially supported the household. And a year into our marriage, he's been going to shisha lounges and started cheating on me with other women (no touching, but meeting with, talking to and sexting them). When I had our first son, he apologised profusely, but since then I couldn't trust him. This was 2 years ago. I'm now 4 months pregnant with my second and discovered he has been with another woman since November 2019. He's telling me nothing happened between them, but I only found this out when he accidentally butt-dialed me and I heard them exchanging "babe" and talking about where they're going that evening. I was heart broken. When I told him I can't trust him at all, he said he would do whatever it takes, but again, he changed his mind and said, if I can't trust or can't love him like I did day 1, there's no reason we should be together.

Would it be unreasonable for me to leave him on that basis? I feel like he's mentally and emotionally abusing me. There's so much more, but this is all I can manage to express. I am heartbroken.

OP posts:
SidneyPrescott · 03/02/2020 15:08

Why would you consider any other option?

Microwavedtea · 03/02/2020 15:08

Just leave.

I found out my STB exH was behaving like this and I left him, after I left him so many people told me stuff he had been up to (multiple affairs) that they didnt want to tell me about at the time as they didnt want to be the one to tell me.

I dont want to upset you but I would guarantee he doesnt just speak with these women.

mbosnz · 03/02/2020 15:09

Definitely not unreasonable.

HollowTalk · 03/02/2020 15:10

There isn't a person in the world (apart from his dad, I bet) who'd tell you to stay with this waste of space.

Do you have somewhere to go to?

Cath2907 · 03/02/2020 15:12

You would be unreasonable NOT to leave the lying, cheating scum bag!

WorraLiberty · 03/02/2020 15:13

Leave, before you find yourself in exactly the same position and pregnant with number 3 or 4.

He won't change.

Teddyo · 03/02/2020 15:19

I'm so scared to be alone. He's all I've ever known. My first, my everything. Sad

OP posts:
recrudescence · 03/02/2020 15:21

In the circumstances you describe, leaving him is the strongly recommended course of action.

zafferana · 03/02/2020 15:22

No, he's not your everything. He's a cheating, lying waste of space OP. Leave him and then work on your self esteem. It's okay to be scared, but you're basically alone now, since he's never there. Make an appointment to see a solicitor right now and aim to be settled in your own home before this 2nd baby arrives. What has possessed you to get pregnant a second time with this cheat is beyond me, but what's done is done. Just get out now.

GinDaddy · 03/02/2020 15:24

You have to leave.

If you feel you can't leave, give him an ultimatum that he goes to therapy or shows demonstrable change as he is jeopardizing the home environment of your DCs.

The reality though is that he won't, and he'll most likely take umbrage at the suggestion; in which event, please refer to my first answer.

Bouledeneige · 03/02/2020 15:28

He's a complete waste of space, disrespectful and hurtful. Why on earth would you stay. Its like being in love with a plate of shit because a plate of shit is all you've ever known.

RalphWiggumsWedgie · 03/02/2020 15:32

All you've ever known? Are you 18? Stop it now - find your self worth and self respect.

HuskyloverI · 03/02/2020 15:34

You are already on your own, if he's out till 4am every day.

This is so bizarre, it has to be made up!

gamerchick · 03/02/2020 15:35

I'm so scared to be alone. He's all I've ever known. My first, my everything

Then it's your first time dumping a waste of space. It sounds like you'll manage perfectly well without him anyway.

LizzieSiddal · 03/02/2020 15:36

I'm so scared to be alone. He's all I've ever known. My first, my everything.

Millions of women have left their cheating partners before you. You CAN do it, because your alternative is to carry on living this life with a cheating, lying man.

You deserve so much more. x

HuskyloverI · 03/02/2020 15:38

What hours does he work anyway, or is he not even working?

I'm just imagining the schedule:

In at 4am
Leave for work at 7am
Home at 6pm
Out to the bars at 7pm
In at 4am....Rinse repeat.

So you see this guy for 4 hours a day, 3 of which you're asleep, so that's one waking hour a day (6-7pm), when I presume he is eating, shitting and getting ready for his night out.

You have a lodger that has sex with you now and then. And he has sex of lots of other women as well. Bonkers.

lexiepuppy · 03/02/2020 15:44

Get yourself an STI check.

Book in with a solicitor and start getting your ducks in a row.

Then book in with a counsellor to work on your self esteem.

Or go on YouTube and watch:
Matthew Hussey
Susan Winter
Derrick Jaxn

You are worth way more than this lying, cheating prick!Flowers

pumpkinpie01 · 03/02/2020 15:47

Trust is everything in a relationship. Start making plans you deserve better , do you have friends/ family that can support you ?

Andtwomakesix · 03/02/2020 15:54

Leave him....I was pregnant with my second when I discovered my ex could not be trusted. I kicked him out and yes, was worried about what the future meant. It was an easier life believe me. Like yours, he never contributed financially anyways and worked different hours / was out until all hours so I had never been used to his support anyways.

CakeandCustard28 · 03/02/2020 15:54

Leave. Your basically doing it without him anyway so it won’t really be any different. You deserve better and get yourself a STD check too. Flowers

1forAll74 · 03/02/2020 15:57

You will surely be much happier if you can leave this awful excuse of a man,he is cheating, making you very unhappy,and does not respect you at all. Everyone will advise you to leave this horrible marriage,,despite all the upset,and feeling alone, but you can get through all this eventually,as many women will tell you so.

You say this man is your everything, but he is your nothing , the way you have spoken about him.

Bluebutterfly90 · 03/02/2020 15:59

Yeah, you need to leave.
This guy has walked all over you. You need to want better for yourself.

If you forgive him again he will just see it as permission to carry on as he always has.
Please put yourself and your kids first, and don't let this guy treat you like a doormat.

SwishSwishSheesh · 03/02/2020 16:00

NO-ONE literally no-one will tell you that you are being unreasonable. You know it full well. Stop being silly.

billybagpuss · 03/02/2020 16:00

Do you maybe need more practical advice like how to go about it? Mn is fantastic for that.

FlashingLights101 · 03/02/2020 16:01

What is he supposed to be doing until 4am everyday? Working? Or just 'out'?

It's hard to believe you're still with him to be honest (I don't mean that unkindly) - if he doesn't contribute to the household and is hardly ever there, it's really not going to change your life that much practically, but will make you much happier.

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