AIBU to leave my husband

[Teddyo]

I've been married for nearly 4 years now. Since the beginning of our marriage, he's never been home, until dawn 4AM or later. He's never financially supported the household. And a year into our marriage, he's been going to shisha lounges and started cheating on me with other women (no touching, but meeting with, talking to and sexting them). When I had our first son, he apologised profusely, but since then I couldn't trust him. This was 2 years ago. I'm now 4 months pregnant with my second and discovered he has been with another woman since November 2019. He's telling me nothing happened between them, but I only found this out when he accidentally butt-dialed me and I heard them exchanging "babe" and talking about where they're going that evening. I was heart broken. When I told him I can't trust him at all, he said he would do whatever it takes, but again, he changed his mind and said, if I can't trust or can't love him like I did day 1, there's no reason we should be together.

Would it be unreasonable for me to leave him on that basis? I feel like he's mentally and emotionally abusing me. There's so much more, but this is all I can manage to express. I am heartbroken.

He works shifts, so manages to get home, take a nap, get up, get ready and leave. And on days he's off, he sleeps half of the day and out the rest.

I'm just afraid for the future, I guess. And the problem is, one minute he tells me he loves me and wants to make things work and change, the next minute, he's telling me if I can't trust him, this marriage won't work.

Is he adding anything to your life? He sounds like he is making your life harder.

He's telling me I'm the one that's verbally abusing him by telling him I don't trust him and don't love him the same. He's playing the victim.

I genuinely don't even see the point in him. You hardly see him and you support yourself financially anyway. Give yourself a chance to be happy within yourself and maybe meet someone worthy of you in the future.

My mum stayed with my dad despite the fact he was a serial cheater and emotionally abusive. He convinced her she was so unattractive,stupid,fat,boring etc that no one else would ever want her. She also didn't want me and my brother coming from a "broken home". She'd also been with him for 17 years (since she was 19) and he was all she knew. She finally found the strength to kick his good for nothing arse out of our home when I was 15. It was hard for her financially as he was the bread winner. However the house was a happier place to be. We may have been poor but we were happy! Kids pick up on negativity irrelevant of their age. Don't have your kids growing up in an unhappy home. It does impact them! My mum should have split up with him sooner!! I think after one of his affairs, my mum took him back and I asked her why. I was eight years old and I understood exactly what he was. Since splitting with my dad my mum went to University, studied to be a nurse and is now a sister at a major London Hospital. She is happily single, and has regained her confidence!

he's telling me if I can't trust him, this marriage won't work.
Well he is right there and you can't trust him, so it's time to end the marriage

If you want to leave, you can do it!!! You're worth so much more than this scum bag you're with

How do I bring myself to leave... My heart hurts. My son loves his father so much.

You have just said he's never there it's time to go for the sake of your children. You will be if course upset but you are gaining nothing from the relationship.

Leave.
He sounds like an arsehole.
You deserve SO much better

He has left already. He may be around physically but emotionally and mentally his focus is elsewhere.

You love the idea of the marriage you should have had, the husband you really deserve but that is not the marriage you have nor the husband you have.

How dare he treat you and your hopes and dreams like this.

@Teddyo it will be hard at first! My brother didn't really understand when my mum and dad split up and was really upset. As an adult he has a poor relationship with his dad, as he got older started to see him for what he was!! It won't be easy, but I promise in the long run it will be better to have separated parents and a happy home rather than living in misery

He is showing nothing but utter disrespect for you and your son.

And it sounds as if your self-esteem has been shattered if you thinking anything OTHER than leaving him is acceptable.

Please get tested for STIs. Please confide is someone in real life and start making plans to leave. You CAN do this and you deserve so much better.

Stop hoping he will change. Stop wasting your time and energy.

He's a lying, cheating WANKER. And you know it.

Start finding out what benefits you will be entitled too and how to claim maintenance from him through CMS. I doubt he will make it easy for you, but please have some faith in yourself.

Do you have friends and family you can talk to? Do you have any support?

He's a scumbag. He's not your everything, he's been absolutely nothing to you. As soon as you start a new relationship with a REAL man and partner and not a lying little scrote, you'll see the difference.

He's telling me I'm the one that's verbally abusing him by telling him I don't trust him and don't love him the same. Oh shame. Poor man! Then it's definitely best you leave and he won't have to suffer any more, isn't it!

LEAVE. Leave leave leave. This man will not only ruin your life, but your childrens' lives too. Let him be a separated dad, see if he can step up to the plate. But don't let him live with you and teach your children that you are someone to be disregarded, cheated on, lied to. Don't let them learn that that's how men treat women.

Oh - and I really REALLY suggest that you keep him away from the birth and register your child straight away in the hospital with your surname. Then you'll have ammunition in order to get him to agreeing to double barrel them both once you go your separate ways.

So he's a man who thinks that leaving his pregnant wife to deal with their child while he goes out all night, is reasonable?

Why would he think that? What could possibly make a man think that staying out all night and sexting other women is a reasonable way to behave in a marriage?

Other than him being a dick who doesn't give a fuck about his family, of course.

How can your son love his father? He can't be more than 3 and your DH doesn't sound like he's ever there or awake!!! Leave now and your 'd'H will have a chance to be a real father when he has to look after him EOW.

If you've never had another relationship then you have no basis of how this is not a partnership, is there a cultural element?

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy adding to the point of Sti's

OP you need to tell your midwife as there's some that can be really dangerous for your unborn child.

When he said "if I can't trust or can't love him like I did day 1, there's no reason we should be together" he was trying to shift the blame for your divorce onto you - ie you will be divorcing because you can't trust him any more. Ha! Do not fall for his twittery.

Do you need practical tips? eg 'gather together all the financial information you can about house value, mortgage, savings, loans' etc?

what exactly does he expect yo to TRUST

that he won't lie - FAIL
that he won't text other woman - FAIL
that he won't be unfaithful - FAIL
that he will provide for his family - FAIL
that you can depend on him in any way - FAIL

so please ask him... what is it that you should Trust ?

How would you even miss him? He isn't there physically or emotionally.

What does he contribute to your marriage?
He spends no time with you or his child.
He prioritises women and partying over you
He lies and thinks sorry will cover it.
He spends all his money ON OTHER WOMEN.
Tell me, other than airing children, what is he for?
Love, find someone who knows what love and respect mean.

But you won’t miss him? If he’s not there anyway, what difference does it make?

He may be 'everything' to you but, Dear Heart, but you are NOTHING to him. Nothing but a convenience. A housekeeper, child minder, sexual outlet. Certainly not a cherished and loved wife.

And he doesn't love you. He doesn't know how to love someone. He loves the convenience of you.

Leave. And remember that your son can still have a loving relationship with his father if that's what's best for him. Many children of divorced parents maintain healthy and close relationships with both parents.

What you are putting up with is soul destroying. You deserve so much better than this.

Is there someone in RL you can call? Your parents, a friend, a sibling. You need to tell someone what your marriage is like. Ask them for support as you find your way to real happiness.

Why are you repeatedly getting pregnant to a man who won’t stop cheating on you?

Judge him by his ACTIONS, not his words. Words are cheap, but they aren't backed up by the way he's behaving. He says he loves you, but he cheats on you and chooses to spend all his free time with other women, so what are his actions saying? I'd stop trying to talk to him tbh, he'll say whatever he can to manipulate you into staying, just go and see a solicitor and check out the benefits calculator here www.entitledto.co.uk/ and also talk to the CSA about how you can claim maintenance for your DC once you've left.