AIBU to leave my husband

[Teddyo]

I've been married for nearly 4 years now. Since the beginning of our marriage, he's never been home, until dawn 4AM or later. He's never financially supported the household. And a year into our marriage, he's been going to shisha lounges and started cheating on me with other women (no touching, but meeting with, talking to and sexting them). When I had our first son, he apologised profusely, but since then I couldn't trust him. This was 2 years ago. I'm now 4 months pregnant with my second and discovered he has been with another woman since November 2019. He's telling me nothing happened between them, but I only found this out when he accidentally butt-dialed me and I heard them exchanging "babe" and talking about where they're going that evening. I was heart broken. When I told him I can't trust him at all, he said he would do whatever it takes, but again, he changed his mind and said, if I can't trust or can't love him like I did day 1, there's no reason we should be together.

Would it be unreasonable for me to leave him on that basis? I feel like he's mentally and emotionally abusing me. There's so much more, but this is all I can manage to express. I am heartbroken.

You don't need to be talking to his family anymore. Block the whole damned lot of them.

Teddyo, you can leave him for any reason you see fit. You don't need his permission, & you don't need to doubt yourself.

When I told him I can't trust him at all, he said he would do whatever it takes, but again, he changed his mind and said, if I can't trust or can't love him like I did day 1, there's no reason we should be together.
Well doesn't he love to blow hot & cold to keep you on your toes?
How does he propose you find the capability to love & trust him as you did before you knew he was an arsehole? - Let me guess, he doesn't. He just expects you to tolerate his behaviour & keep quiet about your own feelings.

YANBU.
Also - howTF does he stay out til 4am every night? How does he get any work done?
How does he have any time for family life ('surprise' me - he doesn't bother?)

I'm so scared to be alone. He's all I've ever known. My first, my everything

I wondered if this was the case Teddyo. I understand your fear.
However - that's what he uses to keep you in what he deems your place.
Don't let him.You will find plenty of support here - keep posting

He's telling me I'm the one that's verbally abusing him by telling him I don't trust him and don't love him the same. He's playing the victim.

OP, please google DARVO for more info but here's a quick link -
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

He is twisting reality to make YOU feel responsible for HIS failings as a husband.

Need to RTFT as am now wondering about what real life support you have ...

Can someone please give me strength to leave? He's begged for me back and said he'd try marriage counselling, that I could go through his phone whenever I wanted, that I could track him, but a week later he's telling me he's tired of having to prove himself to me.
He is flip-flopping to keep you off-balance.
He is doing it deliberately.
You have the strength to leave - you owe it to your children, who must not grow up thinking his disgusting treatment of you is normal.

I'm finding this really hard, but I need all the strength to leave him. If I wasn't pregnant with his second baby I would've left.
Good. Now you simply view this pregnancy as what it is - you making YOUR second baby - & ditch your lying, cheating, abusive H.

I haven't slept with him since, but he keeps telling me the new things he wants to try in bed.
Oh bleeeeuuugh.
I am so sorry OP. Yuck yuck yuck. He can try these new things with his other women. Don't let him anywhere near you - he may be diseased.

Please, someone help me. I truly feel he's a narcissistic pathological liar, but I don't know what's stopping me from leaving.
Habit, lack of experience, & fear of change.
Don't worry - everyone feels that way.
You just do it anyway.

Sometimes I feel he is using me, as the house is in my name.
EXCELLENT.
PP will be along who will advise you about the legal aspect.
As H contributes nothing to your household in terms of his presence, domestic chores, or finances ... what exactly do you think you are going to miss when he is gone?
It's OK to feel fearful, & worried, & to grieve the marriage you wanted yours to be.
But now it's time to start living for yourself, & for your DC.
You will not believe how much lighter you feel when your H is no longer dragging you down. As PP said - most of your life is being spent worried about him, his appalling behaviour, & his lack of care for you. Once you no longer need to do that - you are free to be yourself again, & to grow into a wiser & happier woman.

You need to disabuse yourself of these romantic notions and get out of this destructive relationship. Your son will be far more damaged by you staying with a disrespectful prick like your husband than making a clean break now. Do it for your children if you don't have enough self-love to do it for yourself.
Sorry to be so tough but you need to hear it.

Get online in the morning to get your council tax reduction.

Aaaw @TheHagOnTheHill, I SO love you for this.

Teddyo - see? You're better off already!

I am distraught, but I know how to live without him.
Well done - & of course you do - you already were.
Now you don't have to clean up after him, or tolerate his nonsense in your space.

I am afraid, I cannot love again.
And neither should you - until you have done this:
freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php

It is vitally important that you do not date anyone else until you have established a proper relationship with yourself.
I'm not looking to patronise you Teddyo, but you are young, & this is your first relationship. The danger is that you will be attractive to abusive men who prey on vulnerabilities - like your H did. You need to learn how to armour up against it happening again.

Spend time with yourself, & do the Programme.

You already ARE alone. No change there, except that you won't have to worry about your husband bringing STDs home.

And so what if your ILs blame you? They will be ex- ILs soon, and you don't have to talk to them again.

The inlaws are now blaming me. Saying I'm controlling and abusive towards their son.
Ignore them. Block them. Not their marriage, not their divorce.

He's shifting all blame of the breakdown of this marriage to me.
In exactly the way he DARVO'd you within the marriage, now he is shifting the onus on you - he was always going to do this, you need to find a way to put a barrier between you & caring about his bullshit.

One of the hardest things you need to learn - right now - is that your course is correct, that you are amply justified in your decisions, & that you do not need to hear one word from H, or in-laws, about it.

Where is your real life support Teddyo?

I am usually always for trying to repair the damage — but it doesn’t sound like there was a good place that you started from?

For your well being and the security of your children, maybe you are better cutting your losses and putting your energy into yourself and your little ones. It doesn’t sound like he has ever put you first. It doesn’t sound like he shows you respect or kindness. Maybe it is time to show those things to yourself.

It takes courage to change things — but you have it.

God bless, xx

So he works (but does not contribute), sleeps and goes out chasing other women. What use is he? Does he do anything for the family?

All you latest update gives is more reason to know you did the right thing.

Stay strong, what him and his parents think is their problem, not yours.

Let them live in a little hate bubble if they wish, it doesn't have to effect you

Let the in laws blame you, it doesn't matter what you do , they would blame you so don't even bother thinking about it.

You did the right thing for you and your child, you should change the locks.

He has been behaving like this since the start of your marriage, he wont change.

Messolini9.This was the first thing I did,well I had to leave but I took my name off from our marital home,this symbolically meant I wasn't going back!
For TeddyO the same,quicker and less confrontational than changing the locks but a step toward a better future, I'm not sure that's she got their yet.
And I did spend mine on

There not their.

@messolini9 You have been so kind and helpful in your responses. Thank you so much. I will engrave everything you have advised me in my mind.

And to the rest I can't respond to individually, thank you, too.

I have my parents' support. I am currently with my mother. Though I don't want to feel like a burden to anyone. I just want to get rid of anything in my house that reminds me of him and sort the place out before I go back. Put a few things up online for sale and whatnot.

I am really exhausted. I have had his number blocked since last night, along with private calls. He has called me 6 times since, each time going to voicemail. He left me a passive aggressive voicemail asking me why I let things take this turn.

I am afraid to be alone with this man. There have been instances where he was very close to lifting his hands on me, but has only pushed me till date, along with throwing a hot iron on the wall and fall and punching the walls to my house when I would tell him to please stay home and help me with our son, as at the time, my nausea was very difficult.

I am crying now simply because I feel I have wasted so much love and time on a man that never felt the same.

*on the wall and floor.

1. Comes back 4 am every morning
2. Doesn't support the household
3. Cheats with multiple women when his wife is pregnant (and not)

And you're thinking you're unreasonable to leave? AFTER 4 YEARS of the above??

Fucking hell.

Grow a backbone, woman.

Don't waste time being sad because you think you've wasted love and time on him. Rejoice because you have realized and are now free. Look forward in anticipation, not back in sorrow.

You won't see this now, but once you're out the other side, you'll realize that everything we go through in life teaches us something. You will come out of this wiser and stronger. You will learn things about your abilities that you never knew. Give yourself time. Rome (and your new life) was not built in a day.

Well done OP.Im glad you have your parents supporting you.

If you've had unprotected sex with him knowing he cheats then get an STI check asap.

Well done for kicking him out. He sounds disgusting and if he's never home and doesn't contribute anything anyway then you'll manage just fine on your own.

Best of luck for the future.

You poor thing. I'm sorry he turned out to be a complete loser, and I'm very glad that you left him. @messolini9 speaks sense!

Youre alone so much of the time already - you won’t even notice it when you dump him. Good riddance!

I'm so glad you are having some time with your mum Teddyo.

I am afraid to be alone with this man.
& you never need to be again.

Be prepared for some nasty tactics going forward.
He is used to viewing you as a possession, he is used to feeling in control, & he is likely to kick off - as you have seen with the victim-reversing he is doing.
He may beg you to come back, use access visits to DC as a lever, attempt to dominate you further ...
The main thing is to have as little contact with him as possible, & where necessary, DO NOT ENGAGE. Do not attempt to justify yourself, explain your viewpoint - anything.
www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock
See Grey Rock technique.

While you are with your mum, start looking for referrals to excellent solicitors. You may wish to consider divorcing on your terms - i.e. unreasonable behaviour. You will need to document this with a lawyer, & you need a good one, preferably a specialist in Domestic Abuse.

Remember - you don't ever need to be alone in a room with this man.
If it comes to child handover time - you can have a friend or family member with you.
Do not respond if he tries to goad, intimidate or upset you - but write it all down, with times, dates & any witnesses.
Block his family - they have no business speaking down to you when their son is such a sleazy mess.

And give yourself a BIG treat tonight for your courage & strength of character. You deserve it. Self-care is important, you are important, & you never, ever, again have to wait with bated breath for the door to open at 4am, or wonder what mood the arsehole who tricked his way into your life might be in today.