AIBU to leave my husband

[Teddyo]

I've been married for nearly 4 years now. Since the beginning of our marriage, he's never been home, until dawn 4AM or later. He's never financially supported the household. And a year into our marriage, he's been going to shisha lounges and started cheating on me with other women (no touching, but meeting with, talking to and sexting them). When I had our first son, he apologised profusely, but since then I couldn't trust him. This was 2 years ago. I'm now 4 months pregnant with my second and discovered he has been with another woman since November 2019. He's telling me nothing happened between them, but I only found this out when he accidentally butt-dialed me and I heard them exchanging "babe" and talking about where they're going that evening. I was heart broken. When I told him I can't trust him at all, he said he would do whatever it takes, but again, he changed his mind and said, if I can't trust or can't love him like I did day 1, there's no reason we should be together.

Would it be unreasonable for me to leave him on that basis? I feel like he's mentally and emotionally abusing me. There's so much more, but this is all I can manage to express. I am heartbroken.

I honestly dont understand your post or the question you are posing.
Have you got any reasons for you to stay?

Do the Freedom Programme as a priority. It will help you feel stronger.

It is normal to feel scared about the future and life without him. You are stepping into the unknown. Don’t beat yourself up for finding it hard. But you know that if you stay you will get more of the same and it sounds unbearable. You can do this.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

All the people saying why stay or have wanted to stay? Not helpful on a thread like this. The op is trauma bonded. She will waver for some time and these feelings are normal and valid.
Wanting to be with your abusive partner or husband is actually very normal.

Op read about trauma bonds and what you can do to help yourself through it. Read about F O G, far obligation and guilt. The freedom programme and Lundy Bancroft book are great but what I found great for working through my feelings of being in love with the man who love bombed me before his mask slipped was the books:
When love is a lie by Zari Ballard
It's all about him by Lisa Scott
And a few by Patricia Evans.
They helped me to realise that the man I loved actually never existed.

You have done the best thing as people don't change unless they want to and abusers like this rarely change as they enjoy the power and control, they are also very entitled individuals.

Good luck op. Do all the things you like to do and self care and really look at your feelings. Keep on keeping on.

I am going crazy. I am missing him but don't know why. I want to talk to him but I can't. I am holding myself back so much. Why do I love a man who can be this cruel to me!? Is this love or something else. How do I learn to move on?

It's normal, you've been married for 4 years. Give yourself time, it will get easier.

Why do I love a man who can be this cruel to me!? Is this love or something else. How do I learn to move on?

For a start read the books that @flirtygirl recommended. Though I'd add CODEPENDENT NO MORE to this list.

Google trauma bonding and codependency.

Learn about boundaries.

Counselling would also be helpful.

You need to focus on yourself and how to grow as an individual, instead of being focused on him.

The heart wants what the heart wants. But so does a heroin addict. You can love someone to distraction, but that doesn't mean that they are right or good for us.

How to do you move on? First acknowledge the feeling. It does no good to deny it. You can't change what you don't acknowledge Then really remember the things he's done, without making excuses or justifications. Then realize that the two are really not compatible. Your love for him won't disappear overnight, feelings don't work that way. But if you keep reminding yourself of the things that he's done, it will begin to wear away at your love and eventually it will be gone.

If it will help, make a list of every nasty thing he's said and done. Keep that list with you. Whenever you find yourself 'wallowing' or wanting to contact him, read it. Read it out loud if you have to. Then tell yourself "This is not compatible with love".

And also, enjoy the 'peace'. Your home is no longer a stressful, strife-filled place. It is now a place of calm and quiet. Enjoy that calm and quiet. Enjoy the fact that you can now just 'be' without worrying about him saying or doing anything to upset the peace.

And give yourself time. Rome wasn't built in a day.

My darling girl. You would be totally unreasonable to stay. He is an abusive, lying scumbag. He does not deserve you or your children. If in years to come your daughter said her husband was treating her like this, what would you want for her? If your daughter in law said your son was doing this would you be proud of him? Leave.

You're Asian aren't you?

Do you miss the man or the future you thought you would have when you married?It's like having a black and white outline,you colour in all the good bits but don't pick up the black crayon the bad.So when you look at your picture/life you see the good bit.You have just realised where the black bits should be,remembering one by one..
It's hard because you're just waiting for reality to catch up so you miss the brightly coloured bits.

Oh OP. I’m so sorry. But also so pleased that you don’t have to be in this shitty marriage any more. It’s sad, you’re ALLOWED to be sad. But life for you and your son is going to be so much better now. You said before you were worried about leaving him because your son loves his father so much - he also loves his mother and wouldn’t want you to be miserable for your entire life.

💐 you can do this.
Block his parents

Thank you all. I'm slowly moving on. I'm just now realising every other thing he used to do that I brushed off. I believe he was addicted to marijuana.

I'm getting so much uncalled attention from other men, that I'm literally having to drive away like flies. Attention which I never got from him. I'm emotionally vulnerable to anyone and this state might hinder my intellectual ability to make an educated decision regarding going through another relationship any time soon. They make me forget him.

I don't want to ever get married out of need ever again, but out of want and love when I'm ready. I learned the hard way that I need to take care of myself and my kids with no external support.

For all those that ask, yes, there are social factors involved re: culture. I no longer give a c**p about anything or anyone else. From here on, it's me me me...

15:19Teddyo

I'm so scared to be alone. He's all I've ever known. My first, my everything. sad

You're basically alone now anyway

From here on, it's me me me... Good! You need to focus on yourself.

As far as 'male attention', you need to turn yourself away from that for now! You need to 'learn yourself' and learn to be alone, sufficient unto yourself and totally responsible for your own happiness. Once you really do that, then a man will be a 'want' and not a 'need'.