AIBU to leave my husband

[Teddyo]

I've been married for nearly 4 years now. Since the beginning of our marriage, he's never been home, until dawn 4AM or later. He's never financially supported the household. And a year into our marriage, he's been going to shisha lounges and started cheating on me with other women (no touching, but meeting with, talking to and sexting them). When I had our first son, he apologised profusely, but since then I couldn't trust him. This was 2 years ago. I'm now 4 months pregnant with my second and discovered he has been with another woman since November 2019. He's telling me nothing happened between them, but I only found this out when he accidentally butt-dialed me and I heard them exchanging "babe" and talking about where they're going that evening. I was heart broken. When I told him I can't trust him at all, he said he would do whatever it takes, but again, he changed his mind and said, if I can't trust or can't love him like I did day 1, there's no reason we should be together.

Would it be unreasonable for me to leave him on that basis? I feel like he's mentally and emotionally abusing me. There's so much more, but this is all I can manage to express. I am heartbroken.

How can your son love him? It doesn't sound like he is ever there. I think you are using him as an excuse, love. Children want happy parents. My mum stayed for the kids. I will never thank her for it.

Grim. Get rid. Is he the role model you want for your children? Your self esteem must have taken a battering with his disgusting behaviour, but once he's behind you you'll realise that you and your kids deserve far, far better.

You should also know that you don’t need his agreement to end the marriage.

Yes, you can tell him to leave, you don’t need to justify your decision to him or anyone.

Leave. He isn't going to wake up one day and suddenly start treating you decently. You know he's having multiple affairs while you bring up his children. I couldn't be in the same room as someone who treated me like that.

He is all you have ever known, so you have nothing to compare him against. Believe me, you can do a lot better than this.

You are neither his first or his everything.

Please leave this man.

Why would you consider any other option?

This ^^ in bucket loads

He's all I've ever known. My first, my everything

And you are his last option. The one he takes for granted. He doesn’t care about you or your feelings. You don’t love him. You love what you want him to be – and never will.

He's telling me I'm the one that's verbally abusing him by telling him I don't trust him

He is gaslighting you

he's telling me if I can't trust him, this marriage won't work

It isn’t working though is it? Of course you can’t trust him. He has given you no reason to trust him. I also urge you to get an STI check, and if you stay with him FGS get some reliable contraception. Under no circumstances have another baby with this unreliable, lying, cheating, disrespectful excuse of a human being. He has shown nothing but contempt towards you and sees you as the owner of a bed and breakfast with some free sex thrown in.

Please, please get some self-respect and courage and kick him out. And take the advice of everyone on here. HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU

Unfortunately you're not his everything, and probably not his first. Your kids will thank you down the line

Sounds like he is just making your unhappy and the place untidy. How would things not be better if he wasn't there?

Make a list of the things that are good about having him with you (as the lieing/cheating/sleeping thing he is - not as you would like him to be).

Make a list of the things that bad about him not being about.

It is possible that with him you are only part of a person - the rest of you is being used up worrying about his behaviour and lack of love. Away from him you can be your whole self and start again.

Remember that there are many lovely worthwhile people out there; even moderately pleasant ones would make you happier than the man you are with.

You could just put him down to experience.

There is much more to life than struggling on with someone this abusive, OP. He seems to have an appalling attitude to women and zero responsibility. Good luck to anyone wanting to re-educate him. You deserve to experience a real relationship based on mutual love and respect, and this is not it.

He’s your first. So?
Many of us kiss frogs until we get to Prince Charming.
Stop hanging on to a romantic fantasy hoping for a happy ending - it is just not going to happen. If his form is anything to go by, I would not bet a penny on him running a race to a successful marriage. You have the key to get out of this prison.

‘Tomorrow is another day’ said Scarlett as she stepped over the burned out ruins of her life.

Once Prince Ghastly is out of the door, ring Women’s Aid.
Persist if the line is busy.
Tell all & listen with care to what they say.

Tomorrow go on to the Law Society web pages

solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

Find a divorce specialist near you, preferably one who offers legal aid.
Make an swift appointment for an advice appointment to discover what your rights are. If you cannot get legal practice offering legal aid, then no worries at this stage as you are asking for general advice rather than instructing them.

That said, from what you say there is plenty of evidence for divorce (in less than two years) on the grounds of adultery or unreasonable behaviour.

Drawing on the solicitor’s advice, you may not need to leave the home as it may be that there are legal grounds for him to leave.
Take specialist legal advice.

Yes leave him but make sure you get organised first, get all important papers out of the house, get your finances in order eg register for the government gateway for benefits, start the process etc, get hands on support from friends and family then leave. He's very very unreasonable

@Teddyo is you leave now, your DC will never remember anything except you as their lovely mum. That will be a massive blessing to them.

If you stay in this situation (I wouldn't call it a marriage tbh), then they will grow up seeing their dad not be arsed with them and it'll hurt SO much more.

Do them a favour, find your big girl pants and leave.

Are you legally married to this guy, or is it an Islamic marriage? Are you in the UK?

Oh shut up HerpesFree . She is pregnant for the SECOND time. Hardly "repeatedly" getting pregnant. If you can't help, fuck off.

Why do you even need to ask this questions, should I leave him? If your happy being treated like a doormat, with no respect, and his dirty nob going between you and god know who then carry or, if you value yourself at all, get rid asap.

Do you have anyone in RL to talk to OP? Any family? If you seriously think you should stay with this man you need a lot of help

OP, yes you need to leave him. Of course that’s scary but it’s definitely possible and in the long run you will be so much happier.

Who can you turn to for support? Do you have family or friends you can confide in? It will be best for you to make plans and sort yourself out before telling him it’s over as he clearly has you believing his lies and emotional blackmail.

He will say you are breaking up a happy marriage, that you will damage your DC, that you are paranoid and unreasonable. And on and on. So you need to be prepared to ignore all of this and refuse to engage.

So hard but you must do it and never look back. He’s a very unpleasant man.

You are an utter mug.

Get some self respect and get rid.

Kick him out and concentrate on your children. Make sure you have got your finances in order and go and see a solicitor. Do not have sex with him. You don't deserve this.

Some really horrible posters here tonight. How would you feel if this was you and the comments were aimed at you ? Be nice or be off.

How does someone dial with their bottom?

Please think carefully about leaving this man. He has already left you, emotionally and physically (except for the couple of hours that you pamper him, wash, clean, cook etc for him each day).

As far as I can tell, it's relatively safe for you to stay where you are. He's mentally abusing you and gaslighting you. This is really bad, but fortunately he isn't around you long enough for that to force you and your son to leave your home at this stage. HE should be the one to leave. Most authorities will agree that you have a right to stay in the marital home whilst you are looking after young children. So, you need to stay in your home, you have your son and our future child to think of.
Practically... you've had a lot of good advice so far. Don't let him know you are planning HIS exit. See a solicitor, get advice from the CAB and women's aid as to your rights. Collect together all financial information. If you can, copy things like mortgage, rent agreements, bank statements, household bills etc. Maybe confide in a trustworthy friend or relative and leave copies of things with her. Set up a bank account in your own name if you don't have one already. Try to save into that if you can. If you can, separate your finances from his as far as possible so that you have a contingency fund for when you finally throw him out.
And do The Freedom Programme. (google it, it's very helpful)

Not often that I wonder if a post is for real. It seems so unlikely that you are saying he says that you have to trust him. How could you trust him when you heard with your own ears.
Get an STD test. He's sleeping with other women.
What do you mean he's not financially supporting the marriage? Do you work full time?
I'd be tempted to tell him there's nothing wrong with going to these bars (how do you know he goes?) and you are going to do the same, just to get some male friends to talk to, as you know he thinks this stuff is okay.
He sounds like a revolting man.

You are being 100% reasonable.

Can someone please give me strength to leave? He's begged for me back and said he'd try marriage counselling, that I could go through his phone whenever I wanted, that I could track him, but a week later he's telling me he's tired of having to prove himself to me.

I'm finding this really hard, but I need all the strength to leave him. If I wasn't pregnant with his second baby I would've left.

I haven't slept with him since, but he keeps telling me the new things he wants to try in bed.

Please, someone help me. I truly feel he's a narcissistic pathological liar, but I don't know what's stopping me from leaving.

Sometimes I feel he is using me, as the house is in my name.

My heart is torn and I am so conflicted.

Do the Freedom Programme RIGHT NOW - freedomprogramme.co.uk/

That should help you find out what a good relationship looks like, and teach you how not to accept bad behaviour but to raise your boundaries for future relationships.

Why on earth are you finding it hard to leave???

Why on earth do you think it's a good idea to get pregnant by this waste of space? Ask him to leave, change the locks, get on with your life.