AIBU to leave my husband

[Teddyo]

I've been married for nearly 4 years now. Since the beginning of our marriage, he's never been home, until dawn 4AM or later. He's never financially supported the household. And a year into our marriage, he's been going to shisha lounges and started cheating on me with other women (no touching, but meeting with, talking to and sexting them). When I had our first son, he apologised profusely, but since then I couldn't trust him. This was 2 years ago. I'm now 4 months pregnant with my second and discovered he has been with another woman since November 2019. He's telling me nothing happened between them, but I only found this out when he accidentally butt-dialed me and I heard them exchanging "babe" and talking about where they're going that evening. I was heart broken. When I told him I can't trust him at all, he said he would do whatever it takes, but again, he changed his mind and said, if I can't trust or can't love him like I did day 1, there's no reason we should be together.

Would it be unreasonable for me to leave him on that basis? I feel like he's mentally and emotionally abusing me. There's so much more, but this is all I can manage to express. I am heartbroken.

It is hard for some people to leave - what the OP is going through is completely normal.

OP
Do you want this to be the rest of your life?
Do you feel loved and supported?
Is there a risk he will lose patience at some point?

The married life you wanted doesn’t exist and it can’t exist with this man.
Beware of the sunk costs fallacy
www.psychologicalscience.org/news/the-sunk-cost-fallacy-is-ruining-your-decisions-heres-how.html

You have invested time and emotions into this relationship but it will never pay you back on your commitment.

The suggestion of the Freedom Programme is a good one.

Sometimes I feel he is using me, as the house is in my name - only sometimes?

Show your son that this is not how you treat a woman! Do you want your children growing up finding out how he treats you and thinking that’s normal!

If that’s not the motivation you need then I’m not sure what is.

I’m pretty laid back but cheating is not anything that I could or would accept.

If he loved you he wouldn’t cheat, why would you want to stay with someone who clearly doesn’t love you..., I’m sorry that may sound harsh but if he loved you he’d be home with you every night not out with other woman.

Hello op,
This man does not love you.
He does not care about your son.
He does not respect you.
He is using you for sex and as a maid.
He is constantly manipulating you.
He returns home only for his needs to be met.
He could have an sti....what if he has passed it to you?
He is not being a father.
Your son is picking up on all this,do you want him growing up thinking this is normal behaviour?
Stop with the I love him.
Start by changing the locks and telling him his belongings are in bin bags waiting to be collected.
If you cannot it for you,do it for your unborn dc and your son.
Sorry to be blunt but I'm trying to motivate you along with pp .
Stop the self pity(sorry)and be strong for you and your dc.let them grow up respecting you as an independent woman in her own right.n
You asked for advice,you have been given great advice from pm now take it and get going!
Good luck.

Pp not pm!

A weight has been lifted tonight. He has packed his bags and left, giving me my keys back. Should I still change the locks?

Yes,you won't be able to relax otherwise.Leave the key turned in the lock for tonight.
Get online in the morning to get your council tax reduction.
Stay strong and don't let him back or you will have it all to do again.

Oh, thank God!

Yes, leave the key in the lock and change the locks asap. Also change all your passwords, even if you don't think he has them. You never know and he has already proven himself supremely untreatable.

Give a sigh of relief. Then take a deep breath. And remember that it's likely that he'll try to worm his way back in, especially if he finds the grass isn't greener out there.

But do NOT let him back. Remember that he's never kept any promises, he's never treated you right and he's not going to start now!

You said you were afraid to be alone. I think you are going to find that the sense of peace and the quiet you are going to have is going to chase that fear right away. Girl, your future's so bright you gotta wear shades!

untreatable???? UNTRUSTWORTHY!!!

Get out now, he's no husband

I'm so glad he's gone. Do change locks, make the place like Fort Knox. Sort out finances asap.

No, unless he has a spare key. Doubtful. In any case, if he did come back, he doesn't sound a danger to you, so just keep your door locked and don't let him in when he comes back with 'Please, just listen to me'. It's all up to you now!

Thank you all so much. My mind was racing and I was sad, but I realised that's what emotionally abusive people do... He has every trait of a narcissist.

I am distraught, but I know how to live without him. I am afraid, I cannot love again.

Again, I cannot thank you all enough. However impertinent some of the comments were, they were the wake up call I needed.

With love,

x

Take each day as it comes. Allow yourself sometime to rediscover yourself.

If you have a joint account take half the money now and put it in your own account then you need to speak to the bank about next steps. If your salary goes into the joint account move it to a personal one. If he is on any joint credit cards, cancel his card ASAP.

Well done OP, you have done an incredible thing for yourself and your family, sending all the love and strength. Xxx

Big fat yays from over here!!! Bloody marvelous, well done you. Good luck. It's going to be hard over the coming months but you've proved you can do hard. You have 100% got this x

My only question is, Why are you still with him. Obviously he won't change his behaviour since there are few consequences tohim. H sounds sleazy. Respect yourself, you can live better than this.

Stay strong op, you deserve much better than this, and if you can't stay strong for yourself, do it for your children. They do not deserve to be brought into this mess, they did not ask for it, it is not fair for those children to grow up thinking this behaviour is normal and then treating their own partners like this. It's a continued cycle and you have the power to stop it.
Not one aspect of your relationship is healthy.
You will have good days and you'll have bad days, but you know you deserve better than this, if you feel your resolve slipping come back to this thread, read what all these people have taken the time to tell you.
This is not normal and it is not healthy.
You can do this, give your children the best start in life. Do not take this fucking waste of space back.

The inlaws are now blaming me. Saying I'm controlling and abusive towards their son.

I've only been concerned the last few weeks, hence I set up a GPS tracker on his phone, which he was okay with, but he's told them I've been doing this to him from the start.

He's told them he's trusted me when I've come back home from a male colleague dropping me home (when the colleague's wife was in the car!) This was 3 years ago! And I had asked him, would you be okay with this? Do you mind picking me up instead? Yet, he's twisted this.

He's shifting all blame of the breakdown of this marriage to me.

I'm sorry OP. He is a piece of crap.

Just tell his parents and repeat to yourself that you don't want a tracker because they are right, you shouldn't need one, it was something you only agreed to due to his bad behaviour and it's just a crappy sticking plaster. He has broken his marriage vows repeatedly and you have no wish to control him. His problem is that he is incapable of self control himself. Therefore, marriage is over if you want a partner who respects you. They can choose to blame you, but this is not in the long term best interests of anyone - their GC, you or their son (who needs to learn how to behave with respect to a long term partner). And repeat if need be.

Or, in shorthand. Decent family men are not at all hours texting other women when they could be with their wife and kids. His behaviour, his choice. You have put up with it for too long.

Don’t engage. It’s part of the “poor me” abusers script.

You know it’s bollocks.
I would just say “DH knows what he has done and I am not interested in discussing it”

It’s abuse by proxy. He is using other people to try and control and isolate you.

Are there cultural issues at play here?

You sound very down trodden. Take control of your own life and enough with the ‘my heart is aching’ baloney. It doesn’t sound as if he ever loved you so why are you pining after such a worthless article?

Ignore the in laws and get to a solicitor to sort out your divorce and child access.

Are you kidding ? Of course you would not be unreasonable.
He’s a cheating piece of shit and you should have left after the first time .
If you stay he will do this constantly

Are there cultural issues at play here?

I thought this too.

OP, you’ve been living with enemy. We get one life - do not waste any more of your time, energy or emotions on this piece of shit excuse for a man. Now is the time to find some self respect sharpish and remain strong for your children