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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do all dad's not cope with their children?

482 replies

Dizzynic101 · 03/02/2020 10:29

I have 2 year and 4 month old girls, I went out Saturday night, leaving my partner, my kids dad, with the kids for 3 hours. I went out for dinner and a few drinks, he text me most of the night saying I needed to go home because the kids wouldn't settle, were being naughty, wouldn't stop crying. It made me feel so guilty for leaving them, but I just needed a little bit of a break. He tells me he can't cope looking after the kids on his own. We had a huge argument yesterday because I've told him he being extremely unreasonable, I never go out and leave him with the kids. I've told him he needs to get over himself and deal with it, they are his kids too, somehow he turns it around on me and I end up feeling sorry for him! I've tried explaining to him how it makes me feel. He just doesn't listen.
I don't think going out for a few hours and leaving the children with their dad is a bad thing. He is also upset because he read my text message to my friend calling him a shithead for his behaviour on Saturday night. Now he's upset with me. I feel guilty for that too.

OP posts:
cavabiensepasser · 03/02/2020 13:05

Nope. Mine 'copes' just fine, and actively enjoys parenthood.
Don't breed with losers.
Also, YANBU.

inwood · 03/02/2020 13:11

I clicked YABU because you are BU that most neb dont want to deal with their kids. YANBU that you should have some time away from them without him bothering you.

Berrymuch · 03/02/2020 13:11

My DH is like this, he has never taken DS out anywhere without me, and when I do go out (which is hardly ever) he is constantly texting, or when I'm poorly he asks every few minutes ridiculous questions that he has asked a lot before. He works away a lot so I guess his confidence is pretty low, but he makes absolutely no effort to 'learn'. Thankfully I wouldn't say this is the norm, but it does happen more than it should. I have tried talking about it and coming up with ideas on how to help, but our relationship is on its last legs so hasn't gained much traction; I would really try to get him to realise it's not on.

Lifeasweknow · 03/02/2020 13:18

My husband is more than capable of looking after our 2 without me and has always been quite hands on. I can stay away without out him begging me to come home. Sure he gets stressed out if they're playing up - as do I - and he will tell me about it but never in a way to make me feel guilty for not being there.
He needs to grow up and realise he is just as responsible for the lives he created as you are.

NicLondon1 · 03/02/2020 13:34

Yes he should be able to put the 2 year old to sleep.

4 month old girls = a different thing altogether!

If you've been breastfeeding (or even if not), they are tiny and might still be used to you.
I couldn't really go out until mine was 8 months old. And to transition we spent a week BOTH doing the bedtime routine together, then I could leave and she was happy with just Dad putting her down.

Stephminx · 03/02/2020 13:37

It’s not normal and he should be able to cope.

However, I agree with the PP who are saying you should support and help him.

He’s clearly never been left with them before, so I’d build it up - for example go and have a bath so he can deal with them for an hour. Let him take them to the shop/park for an hour. Build it up so they (and be) gets used to it,

Yes in an ideal world he should be able to cope, but he can’t. So help him. You may have had to deal with it yourself when he went to work, but I’m sure he helped when he came home (I hope). Solo parenting one child is very different to juggling two on your own. And surely you love each other and want to help each other ? It’s also better if the kids have time to get used to not being with you 24/7.

Calling him a shithead is not nice and he’s probably embarrassed in front of your friend, but we all rant and let off steam every now and then. It’s unfortunate he saw it though.

Unless you feel he’s being controlling and stopping you from going out and being lazy in refusing to help you ?

I think his intention is quite important here regarding how you deal with it. But my first thought was useless, frightened man rather than controlling bully. My hubby got loads more confidence as the kids got older and was happy with the second as a baby (rather than the first where he was scared to break her) ! Try to build him up, not knock him down if this is the case. But yes, he needs to learn and learn quickly.

ScreamingLadySutch · 03/02/2020 13:43

Make sure you go out again.

And this time, stay out.

Whatever he says, blah blah blah. He helped make them, he helps look after them.

Rhubarbncustard4 · 03/02/2020 13:45

I remember the look of absolute fear in my otherwise capable husbands eyes when I’d try and leave him in charge of a 2 year old and 6 month old .

He didn’t stop me going out , though I did tend to do bedtime first - more for their benefit than his .

Roll on 10 years and he often takes them places alone / I go out pre bedtime .

Maybe your husband needs some confidence building ... he shouldn’t have spoiled your evening by texting you all the time ... but you shouldn’t have called him names either ...

dietcokeandwine · 03/02/2020 13:47

Dads can cope with their children just fine providing that

A) they are not a selfish arse and
B) they have enough opportunity to care for their kids independently on a regular basis.

If he’s never had to do it on his own before (why not?) he needs to start doing it a lot more regularly now.

The one thing I will (just slightly) say in his defence is that the baby/toddler stage can be brutal and I know a lot of now-very-hands-on-and-involved dads who genuinely, actively parent their older, school aged DC, who admit that they found the early years hard work. Let’s face it, they ARE hard work! But do sole care more often and then it’ll get easier simply because you’re more used to it.

Just picking up on the comment about two working parents being far more effective at sharing parenting duties than a couple where one is a high earner and the other is a SAHP-massive generalisation there! I was a SAHP for years and DH has a long hours v high paid job, this did not stop us sharing parenting and DH has always been capable of taking care of three children for long periods including overnights, even though I did all the child care during the working week. Genuinely our three were and are utterly unruffled when I’m not around and always were, even as babies and toddlers, because despite the long hours DH was a very engaged parent and always did his share and more.

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/02/2020 13:50

He should be able to cope alone but if you never go out he prob rarely had both alone

So go out more

He needs to do bedtime alone more so they are hard to him settling them

Maybe start off both putting to bed. Then he does alone

FWIW - I work nights as a maternity nanny and my df some weeks has to look after and put to bed our toddler daughter 4/6 nights a week

You are both parents. He needs to learn to cope

ActualHornist · 03/02/2020 13:50

How fucking pathetic is he as a man that he can’t cope with his own kids for three hours?

YANBU. It’s totally fine to find it hard work (as most parents do at times). Not fine to then try and abdicate all responsibility.

I’d arrange a regular outing for you so he can practice.

Momto2girlies · 03/02/2020 13:52

Thank you, I can honestly say I never could see it from his point of view, because I do just get on with it. I have suffered with PND with first baby, I'm coping, some days I find it hard to carry on. My little break was ruined by him texting and I was feeling on egde and pressured to go back and sort the children. I have taken on board ehst everyone has said. We will be having a good talk tonight, he needs to start spending time with the kids without and I need to understand him a bit more. He probably finds it daunting if I've never left him before with the kids. Thanks everyone!

flissity · 03/02/2020 13:54

My DH copes fine, just as well as I do. AND the DD's aren't even his children (they are his stepkids)....
So yes dads can cope.

Elbeagle · 03/02/2020 13:55

Genuinely our three were and are utterly unruffled when I’m not around and always were, even as babies and toddlers, because despite the long hours DH was a very engaged parent and always did his share and more

Exactly the same here.

Tunnocks34 · 03/02/2020 13:58

My husband manages our children absolutely fine, same as I do. We have different ways of doing things certainly, but ultimately he copes just as well as I do and I have no worries or qualms about leaving my older two. The baby is a little touch and go but only because he is a bottle refuser, and as amazing as my husband is, he doesn’t lactate. He will still persevere with a bottle though and walk round rocking the baby so I can go out - should I want to!

AcrossthePond55 · 03/02/2020 14:00

Most 'can't cope' because they don't want to. My DH coped very well with ours. He may not have 'coped' the way I would have, but he certainly managed! I just had to remember there was more than one way to skin a cat and let him crack on.

I think there may be a small number of men who 'can't cope' because their wife/partner wants them to do everything 100% 'her way' rather than what works for them (provided of course that they aren't harming the child) so they just give up trying rather than listen to constant criticism.

Mamato2gorgeousboys · 03/02/2020 14:05

I do appreciate that lots of people are saying he should be able to look after the children and I do agree but I don’t agree with people calling him pathetic etc.

Could it just be that he found it really difficult and was panicking? Maybe he just needs some support from you as you do need to be able to go out and enjoy yourself. How often is he actually alone with them? I am with my 2 constantly but my dh is rarely looking after them by himself as I’m normally there.

Would it be possible for him to look after them and put them to bed when you’re in the house? That way he will learn how to juggle both. It’s easy to say, just do it but he just needs a bit of guidance. Help him to get to where you want him to be. If he’s not willing to learn and try, then yes he’s an arse.

abstractprojection · 03/02/2020 14:05

My Dad looked after me from newborn full time by himself while running a business and caring for my mother when she wasn't in hospital with a long term illness.

isittooearlyforgin · 03/02/2020 14:06

Whatever the situation is about bonds, primary caregivers etc etc he should let you have 3 hours to yourself without the guilt no matter how hard it is and just suck it up. It’s almost like you’ve not had a night out because you can’t enjoy it knowing everyone’s miserable. Unless someone is maimed or dying, just get on with it. When I babysit my brothers small baby I just do it for 3 hours and don’t feel the need to tell him that I had to constantly walk the baby, hold the baby, feed the baby etc as he has to deal with this all the time so he deserves a break.

Abouttimemum · 03/02/2020 14:07

I’d say my husband was better than me to be honest! Has far more patience and copes much better with no sleep.
Neither of us knew how to look after a baby when DS arrived, but we learned, together.
There’s no excuse for anything other than a hands on dad to be honest.

Abouttimemum · 03/02/2020 14:10

@isittooearlyforgin
And yes this is correct. I remember pacing the floor for hours with my nephew while my sister was out and she’d message to ask if everything was ok, and I’d just be like, yes he’s totally fine (not please come home because he’s unsettled). And they do the same with my DS even though I’m sure he’s been challenging when I’ve not been there!!

MistyIsland · 03/02/2020 14:13

No. My husband is perfectly capable of looking after our children. He does so on a regular basis. No hugging and puffing or attempts to make me feel guilty for going out for a couple of hours.

Only time I’ve ever had an issue was when dc1 was 6 weeks old and she refused to take a bottle (was mixed fed, breast and bottle) he text me asking for any tips. I was incidentally on my way home, by the time I got back dc1 was happily drinking her milk from a bottle.

chaosmaker · 03/02/2020 14:14

A) did he want kids?
B) why is he reading your text messages?

I really think he should be able to cope with his own children but I agree with other posters about him doing an awful job/ruining your night so that you don't make him do it again.

Roozy123 · 03/02/2020 14:20

Nope.

My dad came over when I was very unwell and was more than capable to look after feed wash do skl runs with a 4 and 3 year old.

My OH looks after them just fine when alone we're now 34 weeks pregnant with our 3rd and he will also be fine with that one.
Yes, prob over whemled at times or stressed but that's life and he can deal with it like I do and can.

Stop letting him make you feel guilty. He's as much of a parent as you are.

FizzyIce · 03/02/2020 14:23

My dh is perfectly able to look after his own kids ,has been since they were tiny babies .
There’s some things I can deal with better and some he can but both able to do it alone