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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do all dad's not cope with their children?

482 replies

Dizzynic101 · 03/02/2020 10:29

I have 2 year and 4 month old girls, I went out Saturday night, leaving my partner, my kids dad, with the kids for 3 hours. I went out for dinner and a few drinks, he text me most of the night saying I needed to go home because the kids wouldn't settle, were being naughty, wouldn't stop crying. It made me feel so guilty for leaving them, but I just needed a little bit of a break. He tells me he can't cope looking after the kids on his own. We had a huge argument yesterday because I've told him he being extremely unreasonable, I never go out and leave him with the kids. I've told him he needs to get over himself and deal with it, they are his kids too, somehow he turns it around on me and I end up feeling sorry for him! I've tried explaining to him how it makes me feel. He just doesn't listen.
I don't think going out for a few hours and leaving the children with their dad is a bad thing. He is also upset because he read my text message to my friend calling him a shithead for his behaviour on Saturday night. Now he's upset with me. I feel guilty for that too.

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 03/02/2020 12:25

How did you not laugh in his face when the prat said he couldn't cope with two small people ?

Wellhellooothere · 03/02/2020 12:25

OP, he shouldn't be hoking around your phone either...

AdriannaP · 03/02/2020 12:28

He needs to learn. I completely trust my DH and he has had sole charge for up to five days at a time (when i have work trips) since DC was 18m old.

iusedtoloveopalfruits1 · 03/02/2020 12:30

I left my 9 week old baby with DS for a few hours last weekend. He was a total fuss pot the whole time and would not sleep or settle the whole time I was out.
Instead of telling me this DS told me all was fine when I asked how things were going so I wouldn’t come home early. I felt so guilty but i’m glad he didn’t tell me the truth as I definitely would have cut my day out short. Your DS should have done the same if you ask me it’s unfair to put that on you when your trying to get some downtime.

managedmis · 03/02/2020 12:31

Op? Still there?

Wellhellooothere · 03/02/2020 12:33

I remember DW going back to work and leaving me with the tiny baby alone for the first time, I hadn't a bloody clue! What I didn't do tho was ring her throughout the day telling her I couldn't cope and needed her home early...

Kaykay066 · 03/02/2020 12:34

One night and he couldn’t do it? He’s a bit of a tool really isn’t he?
My kids dad looked after them (& my Older 2 sons) on days I worked he got them to school fed them bathed them and got them to bed, can imagine it was quite full on but I did it the rest of the time as he’s police I’m w nurse so lots of shift work. Crazy really that he looked after a 9 month old 19 month old 4/5 year old and an 8 year old by himself for days (& the odd night out) and your husband can’t even look after his own 2 children for one night. It’s sad for your kids too, my kids have an amazing bond with their dad (no longer together) he does everything I do, I don’t worry about them being at home Ill when I’m at work (youngest has asthma can become quite unwell if he has a cold) he’s missing out tbh too.

But you can’t force him to be a great dad and not sit on the sidelines and not participate in their lives...

thiscouldbethehill · 03/02/2020 12:37

Hi, I’m also married to a doctor, he has always managed to parent and care for his own children despite his draining and demanding job. My two were both breastfed and he still managed when I had to go out.

Ilovelala · 03/02/2020 12:38

Most men I know cant handle their own children , that is of course terrible. My husband struggles with our 6m old because he is breastfed and uses boobs for comfort aswell as food but tries his best to do whatever he can. When my daughter started eating more and being able to go without milk for a bit longer he was more than capable without me. Your husband was unreasonable to text you.

caringcarer · 03/02/2020 12:39

I actually believe my dh copes better than me with teen. They seems to have more in common as both male and love sports. Sometimes I feel a bit unneeded. When ds was asked who inspired him by teacher at school just last year he said his Dad. Your partner needs to work harder at building yo relationship with his kids. Give him more practice.

midnightmisssuki · 03/02/2020 12:40

I had to leave the kids for one week last week and have my husband 4 hours notice - he coped just fine. Your husband sounds useless.

BlooperReel · 03/02/2020 12:41

You need to do the EXACT same thing to him next time he goes out OP, taste of his own medicine and all that.

Kahlua4me · 03/02/2020 12:42

Just for a slightly different perspective - my dh found the bedtime routine tough when dc were young. Not because he is useless, far from it, but only because it was always me who put them to bed as he was working. We were building up our business then so he would come home to have tea with them and then back out to work so it was me who did the whole routine.

That meant that when I went out he found it hard as the dc were obviously use to me so it was too much fun with daddy which meant they were too excited to sleep! However he would never ring me or ask me to come home...

LolaLollypop · 03/02/2020 12:45

I wouldn't say my DH can cope as well as I can with my 2.5 yr old DD but I force him into it! I make a point of going out for the day and just leaving them to it. I do sometimes get photos of her in the park in her pyjamas or eating what looks like a few too many biscuits but hey, as long as I come home and they're both in one piece I see it as a successful day!

All dad's should be able to look after their own children and if they say they can't, they need to learn the hard way! I.e ignore any texts that aren't urgent!

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 03/02/2020 12:46

Nah, he’s just trying to train you into not going out cos he’s a lazy, selfish bastard!
I have 4 dc’s and would go out once a month or so when they were young leaving them with dh. I wouldn’t say he was thrilled about it but he wouldn’t have ever tried to stop me and he understood my need to go and socialise with friends. He has never uttered the phrase “I can’t cope” - he would see it as a point of honour to get on with it and do his best!

SunshineCake · 03/02/2020 12:47

"Sadly I think a lot (but definitely not all) dads are like this. Goodness knows how they think we manage to cope with the kids if they can’t."

Why is that ? Is that because you or they think they are better than women?

FlowerArranger · 03/02/2020 12:49

So here we are, 8 pages later and 97% saying OP is not being unreasonable, and explaining why not.

OP - do you now have a plan of action going forward?

Frenchw1fe · 03/02/2020 12:49

Never had th is problem because my dh isn't an arse. Also we didn't have mobiles. I suggest next time you put your phone on silent and check it only if you want to.

Skyejuly · 03/02/2020 12:49

Most men can. My husband is only step dad to 3 of mine yet he looked after them when I went to some and been in hospital not to mention on a daily basis bathing them etc. My ex didn't do anything and it's not a nice way to exist.

partysong · 03/02/2020 12:51

Dh is a much better parent than me actually

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 03/02/2020 12:58

That’s ridiculous! My husband has had our children alone from the time of them being a few weeks old- and they were breast fed!- he’s their parent too! My best friend has this, the first time she left her first aged about 10 weeks (who took a bottle, so could be fed) her partner phoned her every 15mins saying he couldn’t cope. She ended up in tears and getting a taxi, leaving her dinner uneaten. We had only planned to be out around three hours Hmm

Obviously, if the children were in any danger/couldn’t be fed/were ill/I would be back like a shot, but just for not being able to settle them.... meh. Welcome to my world! I would also tell my husband to sort his life out if he tried that tactic on me!

Tell your partner to get a grip, you’re with your baby (I’m guessing, at that age) 24/7 and he can definitely handle a few of those hours on his own, even with the toddler too.

corduroyal · 03/02/2020 12:59

YANBU for expecting him to be able to cope with it but YABU for not being more supportive.

If you know he struggles then help build his confidence, leaving him with both playing up for an evening then calling him a shithead to your friend is not the way to do this.

I'd be getting him to have them on his own for increasing lengths of time, but discussing his challenges with him if he finds it difficult. IF he really can't be bothered then that's another thing entirely.

Thehop · 03/02/2020 13:03

He needs more practice, much more practice.

WyfOfBathe · 03/02/2020 13:03

Of course most men can cope with their children. DH was a single dad before we met. He looks after his DD fine, and can now look after our DD as well. My colleague and his husband are both men, and have 2 DC. They don't start texting women to read their DC a bedtime story.

The "primary care bond" nonsense on this thread is no excuse. Teenage babysitters manage to get kids in bed despite not having a "primary care bond"! Of course I remember kids who would cry or play up for me, but I never had to tell parents to come home early! If I could manage this at 14, with kids I'd met a few times before, it's no excuse for a dad!

corythatwas · 03/02/2020 13:03

If you know he struggles then help build his confidence, leaving him with both playing up for an evening then calling him a shithead to your friend is not the way to do this.

okayyy, so how much time do we reckon the OP's dh spent building up her confidence before she could be left with her own children? or is it a reasonable assumption that she just had to get on with it, even on the days when they were both playing up and crying? or do all new mothers come fully equipped with magical powers to ensure these moments never happen when they are around?