Do all dad's not cope with their children?

[Dizzynic101]

I have 2 year and 4 month old girls, I went out Saturday night, leaving my partner, my kids dad, with the kids for 3 hours. I went out for dinner and a few drinks, he text me most of the night saying I needed to go home because the kids wouldn't settle, were being naughty, wouldn't stop crying. It made me feel so guilty for leaving them, but I just needed a little bit of a break. He tells me he can't cope looking after the kids on his own. We had a huge argument yesterday because I've told him he being extremely unreasonable, I never go out and leave him with the kids. I've told him he needs to get over himself and deal with it, they are his kids too, somehow he turns it around on me and I end up feeling sorry for him! I've tried explaining to him how it makes me feel. He just doesn't listen.
I don't think going out for a few hours and leaving the children with their dad is a bad thing. He is also upset because he read my text message to my friend calling him a shithead for his behaviour on Saturday night. Now he's upset with me. I feel guilty for that too.

Sorry not read all the threads, I agree with the ones saying most men can cope but my husband really did struggle with the kids when they were that age. Now they are older he has great fun and it’s much easier. 5 years on he is still rubbish at getting them to go to bed 🙈.

I left exH with DS, since he was 3 months old. He also became a SAHP, so I'd say he coped. He might not have been the greatest dad ever, but he coped well enough.
Your OH has no excuse.

You should take off at least one weekend per month until he gets used to it.

When I say left, it was overnight, btw, not a couple of hours.

I think men are too lazy to take the time to understand how children work. Its deeply embedded in a majority of men that women are more able for parenting kids.

Its lazy! Its pushing women to give in, an to stop expecting the support because 'you're so much better at it'. Its pure bullshit!
But yet alot of women give in, then we become so run down that we have no sense of self because our partner is a lazy fucker and doesn't get the point that we too, are new parents.

Do NOT and I mean do NOT let him manipulate you, he is more than able. He can comfort them when they cry, he can put them to bed, he can read them a book, he CAN DO what you do for 1 bloody night.

I to felt bad until I caught myself on. Because once I came home he walked off left me to deal with it rather than sitting down an learning how to cope.
That's changed!!

To cut a long story short, if you want your husband to be able to put your clingy toddler to bed, you can't also prioritize the money he makes from his demanding career that ultimately obstructs that primary care bond. And that's what I see a lot of my peer group do. There will be complaints that the husband is unable to meet the needs of the children for sustained periods but then same person complaining will be booking a long haul family holiday or major home renovations. You can't have it all. Oh and you can't expect it to start at the most difficult periods of development like toddlerhood. It needs to be from the start.

Are there no such thing as single parents who work then? What a load of crap. Oh and I love how men always have “demanding careers”

Its your OH that's the problem here.

My partner is amazing. does the school drop in the morning, picks up from clubs- they even do a hobby together with 0 involvement from me.
I even get a solo holiday most years where he does everything.

He actually gets upset/feels pushed out if I don't let him do his share.

If he’d got off his phone to you for 5 mins he might have had a better chance of coping!

MY father ( the kids DGP) looks after my kids on his own for us, and babysits for us and has done since they were both babies. Your DP needs to step up...

@Oxfordnono12 I think you mean “some” men .. not all

Haven't RTFT but DH and I have left each other in charge of the DC since they were babies. I was doing my Master's when my DC were born so I couldn't exactly bring them along. . They were left with either DH or a babysitter. If he'd constantly texted me, I'd have be furious!

Your DP needs to learn how to cope with your DD's. It might be a good idea to have a chat and find out what in particular went wrong. Is he not familiar with their bedtime routines? Doesn't know what their favourite stories/toys are? Sometimes it's little things that can upset them. My DS, for example, had a knitted blanket that he was obsessed with when he was a toddler...he wasn't happy if it went missing!

Regardless, your DP needs to learn how to cope with them so he needs more practice.

My DH was brought up by elderly parents with very old fashioned attitudes, and we have tended to drift towards fairly traditional male/female roles, and tbh I did do most of the childcare and night times etc.

But even he was always 'able' to do feeds, change nappies, put them to bed etc - even if not always as a 50:50 split every night. (I certainly made sure he was nappy trained from day one, and not just on the odd occasion)!

I have worked one night a week since they were late baby/early toddler stage, and would have been horrified if DH hadn't been able to cope with food and bed for our 2 DCs. As they have got older I have weekends away - as most of my friends are not local. Your DH needs to get a grip - and lots more practice...!!

OP, if you normally do it and thats why they played up, then your DH needs to start putting them to bed on a regular basis during the week. My friend had the same problem, the DC playing up on the odd occasion that she went out, so now her DH puts DC to bed 2-3 times a week so it is normal for either of them to do it.

So if you can, go out at least once a week and leave him to it, even if it is to visit a friend or go to the gym on whatever, but you need to make this the norm to the DC, not a rarity.

DH also needs to grow up and get on with it without contacting you.

My wife is a senior police officer.

I'm noticing a trend on this site where reading comprehension is extremely poor.

I'll state my views in one post in simple language.

My wife and I BOTH have busy careers. My wife knew what she wanted out of a husband, a co-parent and a career as did I, so before we had children, we discussed how this would work practically given the nature of our jobs.

From DAY 1, I stepped up to make sure that my children saw me as a primary caregiver as well as my wife (and the nursery staff ). I could have theoretically chosen a career path which would have meant big bucks but even more unfriendly hours than a GP but I didn't to both support my wife is her career progression and be that primary carer so my wife doesn't feel it is necessary to be home for their wellbeing.

My argument is that you can't expect someone to do both especially if it means that their job keeps them away from the home and they haven't been able to develop a bond. If you haven't encouraged a lifestyle where both parents are around to actually parent, then you cannot reasonably compare your situation to people who have gone out of their way to make that happen.

So all of you who are saying "my husband runs the world and still gets home to do bedtime/bath time without complaining or collapsing", that's probably because both he and you have made that a norm for your family like we have in ours.

For my wife, the idea of a husband sleeping in the spare room because he has work even if she is on maternity leave is ridiculous. She made that clear when she heard some of our friends were doing it that way when she was pregnant with our first. It is those boundaries that made sure I was present and active from day 1. Now my children aren't fussed who comes to them at 3am as long as one of us do.

Short answer: no

Long answer: my DH can handle several at a time including foster children with challenging behaviour. However I have always allowed/encouraged equal parenting, I have observed that some women discourage their husbands/criticise for the way they do things from when the baby is tiny so perpetuate the problem.

okayyy, so how much time do we reckon the OP's dh spent building up her confidence before she could be left with her own children? or is it a reasonable assumption that she just had to get on with it, even on the days when they were both playing up and crying? or do all new mothers come fully equipped with magical powers to ensure these moments never happen when they are around

This is it!

We don’t magically know how to care for our children just because we gave birth to them. Why is it assumed we do just because we’re mothers? It’s a learning curve for everybody.

So all of you who are saying "my husband runs the world and still gets home to do bedtime/bath time without complaining or collapsing", that's probably because both he and you have made that a norm for your family like we have in ours.

Yes, dear. Quite.

(Thankfully my husband, possibly because he's not a GP or married to a senior police officer, you know, can even manage it without being an officious, condescending. . .)

I find it a lot harder to care for children the same age as mine with whom I haven't created that bond than my own. I don't imagine it would be all that different if I had always been a secondary carer to my own children and then was foisted into a primary position.

@firecarrier raises a good point about criticism too.

If you haven't encouraged a lifestyle where both parents are around to actually parent, then you cannot reasonably compare your situation to people who have gone out of their way to make that happen

I think your reading comprehension is lacking somewhat. Like I said, I’m a SAHM. Like I also said, DH works long hours in a senior role. So by your standards, no we haven’t encouraged a lifestyle where we’re both around to parent for the vast majority of the time. The opposite, in fact.
DH still has absolutely no issues parenting his children. He chose to have them, he loves them, he loves spending time with them when he’s around (and they him). He copes perfectly well. Despite working long hours. Despite me being their primary caregiver.

I think it more condescending to continually misrepresent someone's post because it challenges your experiences.

My argument is that you can't expect someone to do both especially if it means that their job keeps them away from the home and they haven't been able to develop a bond. If you haven't encouraged a lifestyle where both parents are around to actually parent, then you cannot reasonably compare your situation to people who have gone out of their way to make that happen.

Or maybe their job pays the bills (I work as well and actually earn more), and you don't wish to drag yourself and your newborn across the country and away from your support network as he has been crash drafted; meaning you would have to give up your job, any outside support despite the fact he might be away from home for 6 months or more, just so that he can be around during the week to be as perfect as you are . I like how even useless men are the woman's fault for not demanding they find a more suitable career. Or maybe it's just that some men can't be arsed when they are home to help out or to spend time with their child and learn about them, presumably they would be equally as useless if they were home every night.

@Elbeagle

So when someone said:

"Genuinely our three were and are utterly unruffled when I’m not around and always were, even as babies and toddlers, because despite the long hours DH was a very engaged parent and always did his share and more"

And you repliex:

"Exactly the same here."

Were you lying? Or did your husband make an effort to create a primary bond? Which is it? He did nothing to create that and just worked long hours OR he worked long hours like me and my wife and still put the work in?

If they aren't home enough, their ability to care for the children without chaos and drama will be compromised. It's that simple. You have to prioritise what you want most.

he works long hours. In the hours he is at home, he spends time with his children. We are set up so that I am the primary carer to our children. We do not ‘share’ childcare in the way that you and your wife do, I do the vast majority. Like the OP and her partner in fact.
He is still perfectly able and willing to parent his children when he is at home, despite not being the primary care giver with a ‘primary bond’. As the OP’s DH should be able to.

mine is fine.

I do wholeheartedly believe that if he was struggling to cope he’d be too proud to tell me anyway.

I have occasionally text him to say I’m not coping, but mostly to whinge I don’t actually want him to do anything about it as he’s usually working anyway!

Not everyone's house goes like that.

For example, my best friend comes in from work, kids are in the bath or bed by then. He generally unwinds in a clean house and his wife gives him dinner around 9. When the babies were small, she slept in the spare room with them at night.

In the morning, he gets up and gets ready for work, is maybe around the kids for half an hour or so but he just gets himself ready and leaves.

This is how they have set up their lives. His wife thinks it's hard on someone to go and work all day and come into childcare and housework so she prides herself on the fact that she does the housework and kids and he comes home to peace and quiet.

On weekends, they do family things and he plays with them but he also spends a couple of weekend days per month socialising for a least part of the day. Again, his wife thinks he needs that time away from responsibility to recharge. Her need to recharge just doesn't seem relevant to her or indeed, him.