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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do all dad's not cope with their children?

482 replies

Dizzynic101 · 03/02/2020 10:29

I have 2 year and 4 month old girls, I went out Saturday night, leaving my partner, my kids dad, with the kids for 3 hours. I went out for dinner and a few drinks, he text me most of the night saying I needed to go home because the kids wouldn't settle, were being naughty, wouldn't stop crying. It made me feel so guilty for leaving them, but I just needed a little bit of a break. He tells me he can't cope looking after the kids on his own. We had a huge argument yesterday because I've told him he being extremely unreasonable, I never go out and leave him with the kids. I've told him he needs to get over himself and deal with it, they are his kids too, somehow he turns it around on me and I end up feeling sorry for him! I've tried explaining to him how it makes me feel. He just doesn't listen.
I don't think going out for a few hours and leaving the children with their dad is a bad thing. He is also upset because he read my text message to my friend calling him a shithead for his behaviour on Saturday night. Now he's upset with me. I feel guilty for that too.

OP posts:
JosefKeller · 03/02/2020 11:58

Some mothers find it tough when their partner go back to work after their paternity leave

but that's ok, some MN only love to hate fathers and will never try to be remotely reasonable.

Mypathtriedtokillme · 03/02/2020 12:00

DH takes our girls (just turned 3 and 6) out to the park, shopping, swimming, to the beach by himself.
But at 4 months he wouldn’t of coped with either for long (dd both breastfeed and human limpets stuck to me).
He would of been fine with either of ours at 2/2.5 once they got past the stage of mum all the time and only mum.

Wellhellooothere · 03/02/2020 12:00

My father had a traditional, manual job, working long hours and overtime and he still managed to look after us twice a week on his own from when we were tiny when mum went to night classes. And Sat mornings he'd take us off with him in the van on jobs, or swimming if he was free, so my mum had a bit of time to herself.
There's no way he would have got away with a can't 'cope' argument, and this was back in the 70's when ' new men' didn't exist...

GEEpEe · 03/02/2020 12:00

@Wellhellooothere

Absolutely. I do. But that's because I put in the work in accordance with how my wife and I agreed we would parent our children. Plus she literally wasn't in the house because she want back to work after six months both times so it was either leave them to it or meet their needs from day 1 so they trust me as well as her when she is gone or have to create that bond when I was the sole carer for them. The former seemed more ethical and less stressful for all involved.

ScrambledSmegs · 03/02/2020 12:02

Can't look after his own children? Pathetic.

Most men can cope with their own children for a few hours. More in fact. Many are single parents and cope just fine.

Tbh he sounds selfish and controlling.

RedRed9 · 03/02/2020 12:02

@GEEpEe does this mean that this man shouldn’t preserve though? At you suggesting he shouldn’t even try to get better at parenting his own children because he’s not their primary bond carer?

Howdidido · 03/02/2020 12:04

The attitude should be "shit, this is hard, I need more practice" not "shit, this is hard, somebody else had better do it"! @LightTrippert
Exactly.

He probably did find it really tough if he doesn't do it regularly. So... he needs to start doing it regularly!
Do you think he will understand that?

Wellhellooothere · 03/02/2020 12:05

Get yourself out a bit more, and tell him not to call you unless the house is on fire! Even better, turn your phone off for a few hours, there isn't anything a grown adult couldn't cope with in that time. IF that bothers you do what we did with our one friend with the 'useless' DH. She told him her phone was going off til 11pm but if he needed, REALLY needed, something to do with the kids then he was to call ME or our other friend that she was with. Oddly enough he didn't end up texted or calling either of us...

DjMomo · 03/02/2020 12:05

He can cope he just doesn’t want to.

Bouledeneige · 03/02/2020 12:05

It is truly pathetic. He should be ashamed of himself. A grown man who can't take care of his own children? What would he do if you had to go into hospital?

And, I'm sorry OP, but you clearly have allowed him to make himself incompetent by not expecting him to do it more. The only solution is for him to look after the kids way more often. Give him regular slots 2 nights a week and get yourself out of the house.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 03/02/2020 12:07

He's being an idiot of course. Even if kids are unsetlled, as they commonly are 4 months and 2 years, he should just deal with them without bothering you. I was mostly a SAHM when my DCs were small but my DH also did stuff with them such as bedtime when he was at home and was pretty similar to me in how good he was at it.

SwishSwishSheesh · 03/02/2020 12:10

@GEEpEe must be real fun at parties Hmm

MintyMabel · 03/02/2020 12:11

Man here.

Stop everyone! The Man has spoken.

I think the answer like most answers, is nuanced

Unfortunately he is talking bollocks. Especially with this little nugget. if you want your husband to be able to put your clingy toddler to bed, you can't also prioritize the money he makes from his demanding career that ultimately obstructs that primary care bond.

OH has a demanding career that makes money. But, guess what? When I was on mat leave, he was still capable of coming home and bathing / feeding/ changing/ being a parent to his daughter. He even managed to effectively be her parent when I went away for a few weekends over the year.

And when he took PL for a couple of months when I went back to work, before we wanted her to start nursery, I was able to be her parent despite my demanding career that makes money.

He got involved because he wanted to be. He spent time with her because he was her parent. He never once decided that because he was making all the money, he didn’t have to be Dad.

SunshineCake · 03/02/2020 12:11

What an embarrassment he is.

We had a new born, a 22 month old and a 4.3 year old and dh would look after all of them perfectly well. I was obviously there a lot as I breast fed but what with him being an adult, a loving father and a decent bloke he coped well. Not one as he ever called me to come home because he couldn't cope with the kids.

Your husband clearly needs more practice. What an idiot.

UYScuti · 03/02/2020 12:13

What say you then Opie?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 03/02/2020 12:13

If 4 month old is bf then it would be slightly different as she may genuinely need an unexpected feed or be refusing expressed milk or something.

UYScuti · 03/02/2020 12:14

Yeah the man has spoken and he's a doctor so we must obey 🙄

SunshineCake · 03/02/2020 12:14

Why was he reading your text messages and how come he was able to ?

Lana1234 · 03/02/2020 12:18

Of course he can cope just sounds like he simply didnt want to do it. My DP can easily look after my very erm "strong willed" 2.5yo. Sometimes he gets stressed out the exact same way I do but you just get on with it. Echo what pp have said go out more and have a break because he clearly needs the practise!

Murinae · 03/02/2020 12:21

My husband was crap with ours too. He was all Mr big job important, can't possibly miss work etc, etc. YANBU and he should learn and stop checking your phone!

LagunaBubbles · 03/02/2020 12:21

Why on earth do you feel guilty, Where's that coming from?

HuloBeraal · 03/02/2020 12:22

He is an utter loser. DH who is also a doctor (this is to the GP above) and has managed a wonderful bond with both kids despite the fact that I breastfed both. When I was on maternity leave I was the primary Carer, after that we are both parents. Equal parents. He does breakfast, school/nursery drop off, bath times when he can, takes them for activities and manages to share housework (laundry, cooking et al) with me.

Murinae · 03/02/2020 12:23

and when I had to go into hospital he got his Mother over to come and help even though we lived in a different country and she had to fly in

Wellhellooothere · 03/02/2020 12:24

'Yeah the man has spoken and he's a doctor so we must obey'

Nothing like a pompous 'doctor' to rock up on the scene and throw in some irrelevancies about attachment theory which bear no relation to the actual issue at hand, and dismiss the very real, practical advice that OP is being given. Who needs real world examples when you can blether on about theory instead, picking and choosing the parts that suit your own argument...

Elbeagle · 03/02/2020 12:25

Some mothers find it tough when their partner go back to work after their paternity leave

God yes, I did. Especially when I had a 19 month old, a 2 week old and was recovering from sepsis.
But what I didn’t do was text DH multiple times on his first day back at work telling him I couldn’t cope and he needed to come home. I thought ‘this is tough, but they’re my children and I need to get on with it’.