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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do all dad's not cope with their children?

482 replies

Dizzynic101 · 03/02/2020 10:29

I have 2 year and 4 month old girls, I went out Saturday night, leaving my partner, my kids dad, with the kids for 3 hours. I went out for dinner and a few drinks, he text me most of the night saying I needed to go home because the kids wouldn't settle, were being naughty, wouldn't stop crying. It made me feel so guilty for leaving them, but I just needed a little bit of a break. He tells me he can't cope looking after the kids on his own. We had a huge argument yesterday because I've told him he being extremely unreasonable, I never go out and leave him with the kids. I've told him he needs to get over himself and deal with it, they are his kids too, somehow he turns it around on me and I end up feeling sorry for him! I've tried explaining to him how it makes me feel. He just doesn't listen.
I don't think going out for a few hours and leaving the children with their dad is a bad thing. He is also upset because he read my text message to my friend calling him a shithead for his behaviour on Saturday night. Now he's upset with me. I feel guilty for that too.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 03/02/2020 18:56

It's as likely to be learned helplessness

Nailed it.

corythatwas · 03/02/2020 18:56

Someone experienced in childcare might be able to anticipate and meet the needs of a child they aren't used to caring for in that context. Someone who hasn't got that experience might struggle, even if it is their own child.

You know what? First mums don't have that experience either: they just don't have the option of caving in at the first hurdle. I found being alone for the first time with a new baby pretty terrifying, particularly at a time when I was in severe pain and could hardly stand, but it was my duty as a parent, so I did it to the best of my ability.

There are also couples who adopt toddlers or older children. Which means at least one parent has to buckle down and deal with the unfamiliar. Or who do you suppose they can ring to come and get the child off them?

My grandfather was born in 1890 and was perfectly capable of spending an evening alone with his own children. My FIL born in 1909- again, perfectly capable. My dad born in 1932- expert nappy changer and comforter.

FriedasCarLoad · 03/02/2020 18:57

However, there is an obvious disadvantage in that the SAHP becomes the sole primary carer and the other isn't tuned in enough to the children to reasonably meet their needs for long periods

I disagree. I'm a SAHM and my husband is more than capable of caring for our toddler on his own. He'd cope fine for an extended period of time, (albeit feel exhausted!).

corythatwas · 03/02/2020 19:01

I don't get this "doesn't get tuned in" thingie. Does this mean working women are also so helpless in the face of their own offspring that they can't look after them for an evening but have to ring someone (who?) to come to the rescue? Or how do they manage to "tune in", but not their equally working spouses? These are deep waters, Watson.

ChristmasCarcass · 03/02/2020 19:02

The first few times I left DS with DH, he found it hard (DS was probably about six months old, and the first time he cried for me so hard he threw up - obviously I did come back that time).

I work shifts, so DH has just had to deal with it when I’m on lates. I’m still definitely Primary Parent, but DH is perfectly capable of parenting. We have different styles, DH is much stricter than I am, but DS has fun with him and tbh when DH puts him to bed he gets him bathed, into bed and off to sleep far quicker and with less messing about than when I do it so he’s probably the “better” parent.

I would worry that if your DH literally never looks after them, he won’t have much of a relationship with them when they are older. It’s bedtime stories and playing with them that brings you that closeness, IMO.

SirChing · 03/02/2020 19:02

Meh, my kids dad and I are divorced. He has DD every weekend. He found it hard to "cope" at first. Now he can. He has no other option, it's just tough shit. He now realises that possessing tits doesn't inherently bestow women with magical parenting abilities, and realises that we all have to learn.

I have to say I would be dumping my husband all over again if he didn't view himself as able to parent. It's such a pathetic turn off that it kills all desire and respecr for them anyway.

Flamingnora123 · 03/02/2020 19:42

Don't say anything but next time you're home with the kids without him, text him constantly saying he had to come home because they're not settling/being naughty etc.
That's really shit of him to put that on you on a rare night off. If mine tried that I honestly would have told him that he can cope and I'm going to turn my phone off. In case of actual emergency he can call the bar and they'll pass on a message to you.

Tsubasa1 · 03/02/2020 19:53

I'm going to go against the general opinion here. My husband would not be able to cope with two kids of your ages! I think for examplenhe could do a 2 yr old and 4 yr old for example. But not a 4 month old baby. I would say babies are hard to take care of unless you have experience and with a toddler it can be really challenging. I find moments challenging with a 3 yr old and 8 month old and my husband simply would not be able to do it. I think its best if you hire a babysitter until your little ones are 2 and 4 for example. I would talk to your husband about it. That way you can enjoy your night out.

mbosnz · 03/02/2020 19:54

If you have a toddler, you've had experience of a baby.

Elbeagle · 03/02/2020 19:57

I would say babies are hard to take care of unless you have experience

Did you have experience before having your first child?

I think its best if you hire a babysitter until your little ones are 2 and 4 for example

I don’t even know where to start with this. Why would a babysitter be better equipped to look after his own children than himself?
Did you have to hire a babysitter when your DH went back to work after paternity leave and left you with a baby on your own for the first time? Or were you expected to just get on with it?

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/02/2020 20:04

I think its best if you hire a babysitter until your little ones are 2 and 4 for example. I would talk to your husband about it. That way you can enjoy your night out.

Wouldn't your husband be mortified to be there while a babysitter takes care of his children. Mine would laugh in my face.

Elbeagle · 03/02/2020 20:05

I’ve got images of the DH sitting on the sofa watching TV and eating pizza while a babysitter deals with his children!

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/02/2020 20:08

Nah this is 'traditional' according to PP so it's a wingback chair, spaniel and a pipe. Obvs.

Elbeagle · 03/02/2020 20:12

That imagine conjures up a sort of dignity that I don’t think would be merited in the situation MrsTerryPratchett Grin

SimonJT · 03/02/2020 20:14

@GEEpEe I took my son on when he was almost two, the last time I had met a two year old was when I myself was about two. You don’t need training or experience to look after a child properly, it really isn’t rocket science. If someone isn’t capable of caring for a young child then they wouldn’t be capable of living independently as an adult.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/02/2020 20:16

@Elbeagle so true

Lweji · 03/02/2020 20:18

not one that can replicate or replace the one they have with their primary caregiver...

I worked full time and exH was a sahp. I developed a stronger relationship with DS than him, although pretty close.
You can develop the relationship you want if you're prepared to put in the effort.

GEEpEe · 03/02/2020 20:21

@SimonJT

That's nonsense. Plenty of people do not have the skills to be good parents despite adulting in other ways extremely well. Doesn't stop them though.

GEEpEe · 03/02/2020 20:22

@Lweji

If being the operative word.

duckme · 03/02/2020 20:27

My husband copes just fine with our kids and wouldn't dream of texting me and telling me to come home. And if he did, he'd get a mouthful back from me.
Perhaps as a compromise you could maybe go out after the children's bedtime next time? But I don't really see that you should have to.

Skysblue · 03/02/2020 20:33

I think it depends if they are used to being without you for short periods. For example if the 4 month old has never been apart from you and then you suddenly disappear for an entire evening, 4 month old is going to have hysterics that is v hard for the dad to soothe, especially if baby is used to being breastfed on demand. (Best to work up to separations in that situation). On the other hand, if they’re already used to dad having them while you eg have lie in / pop to shops, and he has a way to feed the baby and has been involved in bedtimes before, then of course he ought to cope with you having an evening out without contacting you.

To answer your question, almost all dads I know are shit at it yes. Most wouldn’t text you all evening to say so though. That said, I didn’t have an evening out without baby until he was age 3 or so, but I wasn’t too bothered about having one.

Huncamuncaa · 03/02/2020 20:53

Explain it to him like this:

The skills of parenting are easily learnt. It is a case of being thrown in the deep end and having to swim. Clearly the water wasnt deep enough for those 3 hours and I dont want you to miss the opportunity to become good parent so I'm off on holiday for 3 weeks. Just be grateful you won't also be recovering from childbirth while you learn these new skills.

GEEpEe · 03/02/2020 21:01

And then go off on holiday and leave your child(ren) with someone who might not be able to cope. Yeah, that'll show 'em!

That's sarcasm by the way. That's an irresponsible and horrendous idea.

AhhARadoxBath · 03/02/2020 21:06

My dh is more than capable of looking after the kids for any amount of time.
OK so the house often isn't how I left it but who cares.
I just chose not to go out often. But when I do my couple of hours is always double that lol

Pollaidh · 03/02/2020 21:06

Wtf, getting a babysitter because it's too much to expect diddums to cope? DH has always been able to cope (better than I do, often), even though he works FT and I'm PT and did the maternity leave. In fact, when DC were tiny I went away for weeks at a time for work, and they all miraculously survived.

If he doesn't do it, he'll never learn.