Do all dad's not cope with their children?

[Dizzynic101]

I have 2 year and 4 month old girls, I went out Saturday night, leaving my partner, my kids dad, with the kids for 3 hours. I went out for dinner and a few drinks, he text me most of the night saying I needed to go home because the kids wouldn't settle, were being naughty, wouldn't stop crying. It made me feel so guilty for leaving them, but I just needed a little bit of a break. He tells me he can't cope looking after the kids on his own. We had a huge argument yesterday because I've told him he being extremely unreasonable, I never go out and leave him with the kids. I've told him he needs to get over himself and deal with it, they are his kids too, somehow he turns it around on me and I end up feeling sorry for him! I've tried explaining to him how it makes me feel. He just doesn't listen.
I don't think going out for a few hours and leaving the children with their dad is a bad thing. He is also upset because he read my text message to my friend calling him a shithead for his behaviour on Saturday night. Now he's upset with me. I feel guilty for that too.

One of them that I'm specifically thinking of - was the SAHP!

He parked the kids in front of a screen, fed them shit, and gamed.

Still, the kids survived. Sort of.

Mine can't.

He’s being a massive bellend and acting like a petulant child. Stick to your guns on this, if he kicks off go out even more.

It’s nothing to do with my mind... I said I don’t know any men like this, not that I can’t imagine it. I was recounting my actual real life experience.

I suppose I could expand my social circles to include some men who aren’t capable of looking after their own children, but to be honest I don’t think I’m particularly missing out.

My brother has a child who doesn't see his mum, db manages to be the sole parent all the time.

When my daughter was 7 months I went back to work, my husband was on gardening leave and so became the sahp for about 3 weeks. Honestly think that this saved our marriage.

Your husband absolutely could learn to parent without you, he might need some help and support, but he needs to put on his big boy pants and step up.

Honestly if you can I'd get a job and shift some responsibility on to him.

I suppose I could expand my social circles to include some men who aren’t capable of looking after their own children, but to be honest I don’t think I’m particularly missing out

You're really, really, not.

I mean, my 14 year old niece by marriage could probably keep my children fed and watered and alive for the day, but I think they'd have such a rotten day because she doesn't know how to anticipate and meet their needs like we do that I wouldn't want to do it.

That goes for her 22 year old brother too.

A strong bond isn't the same as a primary caregiver

More bullshit. Just give it up.

My DH wasn't great when our two girls were small either. I got a Saturday job so he had to look after them and not default to letting me do all the childcare even when he was there too. He found it difficult but eventually got used to it. Most men these days are very engaged though. My son in law is very capable with his two daughters. I think your DP needs more practice.

Okay it is bullshit that a child might have a strong bond with a much loved adult but not one that can replicate or replace the one they have with their primary caregiver...

On here do we just go with our wishes and guesses and stuff?

Gosh, I babysat kids since year dot, definitely kept them fed and watered (would have done better, but the parents gave their kids a crap diet), alive, bathed, tucked happily into bed with stories and songs after playing at the park etc. It's really not that hard with kids, they're fairly straightforward - if you've got imagination, observation, and the will to not just cope, but to make it all go as well as possible.

That's also when they got tummy bugs and measles - parents were already at work, so having apprised the parents, just had to put on my big girl's pants and cope!

Again, I'm surprised that a father of two years has not acquired in that time, sufficient skill to do this with his children. Perhaps that speaks for how much better valued the job of childcare, and the expertise of child minders should be? Or is it that he actively avoids acquiring such skills - in case he might be called upon to put himself out and actively parent his children?

The fact remains GEEpEe that you do not have to be the ‘primary care giver’ to look after 2 young children for 3 hours in an evening without resorting to texting their mother to come home and bail you out. Especially not when they are your own children, that one can generally presume you chose to have.

My dad copd just fine with 11 year old me at home whilst my mum was in hospital for a week. Apart from making me a sandwich with mouldy bread, but I’ve done that myself so I don’t think it was a major issue.

By 15, I was looking after a three year old and five year old from 8am until 4:30pm most days during the holiday. I coped.

Your DH should be able to cope too.

it is bullshit that a child might have a strong bond with a much loved adult but not one that can replicate or replace the one they have with their primary caregiver...

It's not bullshit, no. It doesn't mean that only the primary caregiver or a much loved adult can effectively care for a child - for 3 hours! (And how sad if the father has so effectively opted out of parenting his children he is not a much loved adult - particularly with the two year old. . .)

Maybe not. But he obviously couldn't cope with that and it isn't surprising given that he's never done it before and they are at a challenging developmental age.

If I left my niece or nephew in charge, I'd expect a call too. It's all very well when they take them in the garden for a while and they know we are just in the other room. Much different if we aren't in the house.

I went out Saturday night stayed with a friend left at lunchtime Saturday, got back lunchtime Sunday. DS (age 1) was fed multiple times, napped and had a lovely day at a local farm with DH, he was bathed and put to bed. Sunday morning he took him swimming. He also fed himself, cleaned up after them both and did some laundry. He has a penis not a lack of capacity. Raise the bar.

Someone experienced in childcare might be able to anticipate and meet the needs of a child they aren't used to caring for in that context. Someone who hasn't got that experience might struggle, even if it is their own child.

When I was 16 I babysit for my neighbours’ 3 young boys. They were 6, 3 and 1 at the time. I am still in contact with them, the youngest has just started uni.
It was hell. I ended up having to split them up (they were sharing a room) and basically sat outside on the landing putting each one back into bed as they got up. I still bring it up with them sometimes, it was so awful. We laugh about it.
I didn’t phone their mum to come home. They were fast asleep when she got back at around 11pm.

Oh and I have absolutely no childcare experience whatsoever. I think I was paid £10 plus a frozen pizza.

He might not have much experience, but he's never going to learn and they won't learn to settle with him if he never does it. I have a 21 old, as well as 2 older dcs 13 and 11 and my dp can look after them all if I was to go out (the older 2 aren't even his dcs). I know he has found it challenging with the baby, especially to start with and I did feel guilty, but he said he needs to look after her more, not less. It's not really fair that he ruined your night but constantly texting you. Mine would only text in an absolute emergency because he wouldn't want me to think he wasn't coping. I hope your dh can buck his ideas up.

Do you not think that the father in this case should be taking this as a wake up call that he is currently inadequately effective as a parent, and be stepping up to ensure this does not continue to be the case? You know, after two years of being a parent and all. . .

All the ages are challenging developmental ages. They're a lot easier to manage if you make sure you know your children and they know you. And that's on both parents, it's their responsibility to ensure they are an effective and capable parent. Because yes, you never know what's around the corner, and your kids need to have both parents able to meet their needs.

That should've read *21 month old. Not 21!!

He is the child's father, he will have been at home more than he has been at work, he will have had plenty of chances to take care of his child or at least keep half an eye on what OP does if he wanted to. Can we stop trying to project that it's not his fault because he hasn't done it often, feckless father's are not the woman's fault because he 'hasnt had the chance'. FFS. And even if he did plonk them in front of the telly, as long as they were safe and fed no need to be highly in tune with anticipating their needs or texting every few minutes. It's probably to make OPs night so miserable she doesn't bother going out again, which is really sad all round.

It's as likely to be learned helplessness or coercive control as it is some bollocks about attachment.