Do all dad's not cope with their children?

[Dizzynic101]

I have 2 year and 4 month old girls, I went out Saturday night, leaving my partner, my kids dad, with the kids for 3 hours. I went out for dinner and a few drinks, he text me most of the night saying I needed to go home because the kids wouldn't settle, were being naughty, wouldn't stop crying. It made me feel so guilty for leaving them, but I just needed a little bit of a break. He tells me he can't cope looking after the kids on his own. We had a huge argument yesterday because I've told him he being extremely unreasonable, I never go out and leave him with the kids. I've told him he needs to get over himself and deal with it, they are his kids too, somehow he turns it around on me and I end up feeling sorry for him! I've tried explaining to him how it makes me feel. He just doesn't listen.
I don't think going out for a few hours and leaving the children with their dad is a bad thing. He is also upset because he read my text message to my friend calling him a shithead for his behaviour on Saturday night. Now he's upset with me. I feel guilty for that too.

Most men can cope as well as women. Although in the couples I see mums tend to do more than 50%, the dads I know are just as capable and sometimes better at certain aspects. Dads who've not had the practice, are not going to know what to expect so need to do childcare regularly to keep their skills up.

My ex worked long hours and I was a SAHM but at weekends he was doing the drudge work like waking early, cleaning up vomit and poo when they were ill, taking them out and about etc. While he would have told me how stressful it was the day after I'd gone out, he had above average intelligence so realised that this was what a SAHM's day was like and that the more you spend time with the kids, the better you get at spotting warning signs like bad behaviour sometimes being cured with a drink or snack.

GEEpEe but women are routinely thrown at the deep end, even if they're unwell after giving birth, where's the outcry about that?

It's one thing to struggle because you haven't done much of the care until that point, but it's completely different to activate refuse.

I think it more condescending to continually misrepresent someone's post because it challenges your experiences.

Nobody is misrepresenting, or not comprehending, or misunderstanding what you are saying.

We are telling you what you are saying is bullshit.

You can bleat on about primary caring (utter tripe) and how it is impossible to have a demanding career and still bond with your children (complete bullshit) but you can’t ignore the fact that this is not the experience of others who are responding to you.

If you can’t bond with your child relatives because you are not their “primary carer” that’s an issue on you. I have a nephew who lives 200 miles away, my bond with him is incredibly strong. As is my daughter’s bond with her auntie. It isn’t about how much time you spend with them, it is about what the quality of that is.

This bloke has been asked to look after his own kids, alone, for 3 hours. How is that throwing him in at the deep end? It's barely paddling!

@chesirechat

You're right. They are. And that's why my wife was clear that it wasn't going to be happening to her.

But unlike men, women are rarely in a position where their children get to toddlers and they haven't participated in their day to day care.

He generally unwinds in a clean house and his wife gives him dinner around 9.

I work full time in a stressful job. Where's my house elf?

@Mummyzzz044 7 months can be a tricky age when they are very attached and clingy. Even my non-Klingon was one at that age.

@MintyMabel

I never said it is impossible because I do it myself. What I said is that some couples set themselves up in a way that means the dad has never been expected to be the primary caregiver.

A strong bond isn't the same as a primary caregiver. You see lots of kids sat on their dad's lap when all is well but when they feel vulnerable and need comfort, they seek their primary caregiver who is mum. That's because he isn't the one who has consistently catered for their basic needs.

I've spent 90% of the last month away from home with work. DH has juggled his work, the two DC, the dogs, cats and all the other family stuff like a proper adult because he is a proper adult. The DC have probably eaten pizza a few times and invariably gone to bed without pristinely ironed pyjamas but aside from that there's no difference.

I honestly don't think I could remain in love with someone who failed to step up equally as a parent. From the moment the DC arrived we've both just got stuff done. Despite us both working away at times and having other things to juggle, both of us have played an equal part in their lives. I don't see myself as primary anything; we're both parents, both adults and I've never wanted the DC to bond 'more' with me to fill some kind of gap.

@Naomh

If you read threads on here you'll see that plenty of people also think their working partner is mostly excused from household chores and the day to day of the children. They would rather they come in and play with them than tidy up or muck in with the mundane.

And even if the poor little sausage was struggling, is it really too much to ask that he takes one for the team and just gets on with it so that his wife can have a few hours to enjoy herself?

You don't need to be the primary caregiver.

That's why babysitters can manage to effectively look after children that are not their own.

I'd think you'd have to work quite hard at evading your parenting responsibilities to be that useless at it after two years.

If an eight year old can do it (she shouldn't have had to, but she did) then surely a grown man who is also the children's father should be able to do it?

I couldn't be with someone as pathetic as this tbh.

Geepee- the kids and your friend will be fucked if the parents split up, the wife died or became too ill to look after the kids. What's the point of doing the drudgery of work for the family if you don't get the perks of family life ? While I think it's fine for parents to socialise without the rest of the family sometimes, your friend needs to do the same for his wife for her mental health.

You see lots of kids sat on their dad's lap when all is well but when they feel vulnerable and need comfort, they seek their primary caregiver who is mum. That's because he isn't the one who has consistently catered for their basic needs.

Then more fool those families. Both DC here go to whoever is nearest. DS1 spent a significant period of time in hospital last year and DH and I shared the overnights between us and neither DC shows any kind of preference; they just love us and know they're adored. Why not just have both parents inputting equally?

He can cope - he is choosing to be useless so he never has to do it again. He sounds fucking irritating. Go out again immediately.

I have to say when I was in hospital my dh struggled to cope with our toddler. In all fairness though it was a very stressful time, dc was playing up because didnt know why Mummy wasn't there and dh was back and forwards and my dm was useless and no help either.

DD's dad has her on his own every other weekend and 2 evenings a week, he copes fine although he's a bit hopeless with making good food for her and they often end up in mcdonalds but that's my only gripe. My father was a bit useless with us as children though and I once went tumbling down the stairs because he didn't close the stair gate

I wonder if it is to do with who is usually with the dc. For example I am with them all of the time and can cater to their needs while keeping house clean and tidy no issues. Dh struggles to do both so the house suffers, however he is fantastic at his day job. Is it not just what we are used to? Maybe dads who are the primary caregiver are better at it than their working wives for instance?

@doritosdip

The truth is that he probably wouldn't consider a split until they were old enough to be pretty self sufficient for that reason. He loves his kids and would want to see them frequently but the truth is like many men he is in no way equipped to look after them alone. Especially if you added things like the school run to the mix.

His wife feels fulfilled by their family life so she isn't complaining.

My DH can't cope. Well he has got better, but in the early days with a 5 year old and newborn he really struggled. When I got home he said that he spent the day questioning his skills as a Father and that was my fault as I went out and left him!! He has also had them a couple of days when I have gone to work and spent most of the day texting me.

Not that he doesn't go to pissing football every other Saturday 🙄 I have one day out every 2-3 months and the world ends!!

the truth is like many men he is in no way equipped to look after them alone. Especially if you added things like the school run to the mix

We must mix in very different circles as I don’t know any men like this.
I have friends in a variety of different set ups... male breadwinner with female SAHP, female breadwinner with male SAHP, 2 full time working parents, 2 part time working parents, and I don’t know any men who couldn’t look after their own children alone while their partner went out with friends/away for a weekend etc.

I don’t know any men who couldn’t look after their own children alone while their partner went out with friends/away for a weekend etc.

I've known a few. However, I'd use the word 'wouldn't' rather than couldn't. It was like watching a snake shed its skin to watch them twist and contort themselves to avoid having to actively co-parent their children.

That’s true mbosnz, I know one who would whinge like hell about it because he thinks childcare is beneath him. But to be honest he’s a dickhead in more ways than just that one.

Fake an illness and stay in bed for 3 days straight. That will give him the practice he needs.

There's reference to a good few in this thread... expand your mind?