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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do all dad's not cope with their children?

482 replies

Dizzynic101 · 03/02/2020 10:29

I have 2 year and 4 month old girls, I went out Saturday night, leaving my partner, my kids dad, with the kids for 3 hours. I went out for dinner and a few drinks, he text me most of the night saying I needed to go home because the kids wouldn't settle, were being naughty, wouldn't stop crying. It made me feel so guilty for leaving them, but I just needed a little bit of a break. He tells me he can't cope looking after the kids on his own. We had a huge argument yesterday because I've told him he being extremely unreasonable, I never go out and leave him with the kids. I've told him he needs to get over himself and deal with it, they are his kids too, somehow he turns it around on me and I end up feeling sorry for him! I've tried explaining to him how it makes me feel. He just doesn't listen.
I don't think going out for a few hours and leaving the children with their dad is a bad thing. He is also upset because he read my text message to my friend calling him a shithead for his behaviour on Saturday night. Now he's upset with me. I feel guilty for that too.

OP posts:
Jeleste · 03/02/2020 15:24

I would say he needs to practise more! You need to go out more often!

nachthexe · 03/02/2020 15:26

I’m so pleased that Geepee bloke is still around to patronize us. However would we cope without his wisdom. With all the jolly important geepeeing and the quality primary care binding he does, I have no idea how he manages to keep up his regular parental advice slot on the mummy net. But fortunately for us he does.
We have three kids. The youngest has cerebral palsy. Dh has always been entirely capable of parenting them for days at a time, even when I was a sahm and he was commuting. He’s also far better at dealing with vom.

nachthexe · 03/02/2020 15:31
MrsTerryPratchett · 03/02/2020 15:33

I'm noticing a trend on this site where reading comprehension is extremely poor.

Well off you fuck to somewhere with better English comprehension skills then dear.

BTW 'comprehension' and 'agreeing with men who think they know better' aren't the same thing. Just FYI.

OP, my DH and friends have been taking all the kids off for a weekend of camping for years. The mums stay at home and relax drink. They all rip the living shit out of the one bloke who hasn't been able to come until they're 9, because he can't do bedtime. No SEN that we know of. The kids with SEN all go on the trip. They all think it's ridiculous he can't parent.

RedRed9 · 03/02/2020 15:34

To cut a long story short, if you want your husband to be able to put your clingy toddler to bed, you can't also prioritize the money he makes from his demanding career that ultimately obstructs that primary care bond.
^ this is from your first comment @GEEpEe

Are you seriously suggesting that because the OP’s partner hasn’t stepped up to care for his children in the past he should now not be expected to learn how to solely care for the children now?

Do you really feel that the correct thing for the partner to do was to demand that the OP go back home to take over and tell her not go out again in the future?

CheshireChat · 03/02/2020 15:42

Meh, nobody held my hand and slowly helped me learn to take care of DS, I wonder why that is 🤷🏻‍♀️.

In fact, I was left to take care of him with fuck all help despite being completely out of it due to blood loss during my C section. And this is absolutely the norm for most women so I genuinely disagree that men require special treatment to take care of their own children.

YasssKween · 03/02/2020 15:49

I'm noticing a trend on this site where reading comprehension is extremely poor. I'll state my views in one post in simple language.

I know you're good with children @GEEpEe but just a reminder, most of us on here are adults so you don't need to talk to us as if we are kids. I hope you aren't so unbelievably condescending to your patients or your wife!

Raffles1981 · 03/02/2020 15:55

I went out the other night for a meal and some drinks with a friend. My DP did not text me at all. Why? Because he's a grown ass man who can look after his son. Your DH sounds like a whiny child himself. You have to either tell him to suck it up and get on with it, or except they you married and had babies with a man child.

Lweji · 03/02/2020 15:55

We had mansplaining, now we can add mansulting. Nice.

Oxfordnono12 · 03/02/2020 16:08

@Fizzyice I think I mean majority...

Elbeagle · 03/02/2020 16:08

GEEpEe has it occurred to you that you just might actually be wrong? That despite what your friend does, it is perfectly possible for a parent to both work long hours as the breadwinner and be able to look after their own children as and when required, without chaos ensuing?

DoesItGetAnyBetter · 03/02/2020 16:11

Clearly your DH needs more practise!!!

TAKESNOSHITSHIRLEY · 03/02/2020 16:15

not in my house

their dad does and has always done as much as me since day 1

we are both carers to disabled children that dont sleep,are home educate and need 24 hour care

you could say he does more as hes our driver

Coyoacan · 03/02/2020 16:19

I don't understand why a man would go ahead and have children if he doesn't want to spend time with them.

Children are one of the greatest pleasures in this world, fortunately enough, because otherwise they are just extra work and extra expense.

OP, your husband sounds like a patriarch, who just wanted children to continue the family name or, more likely, to keep you at home.

MinnieMountain · 03/02/2020 16:20

I saw DBro struggling with his 3 on a day out whilst his DW was at work. He still did the agreed time without whining to her though.

DH has managed fine with 6yo DS when I'm out/away, despite working longer hours than me. They have a yearly skiing holiday together.

GinGym · 03/02/2020 16:25

It isn't normal. Sadly my DH is exactly the same. I would like to tell you it gets better but it doesn't. My kids are 13 and 9 now and I am basically a single mother for all the help he gives me with them. Only recently has he started doing the school run with the eldest. Don't get me wrong they are old enough for me to leave them with him now but he dorsn't interact with them. Sometimes he doesn't even feed them when I am out but will have food himself 😡 I resent him and the kids aren't close to him. I have been thinking of leaving him for a while now but don't know where to start for a myriad of reasons. My biggest regret was not having a long discussion about roles and responsibilities before having kids with him. He just never showed up for the dad thing.

I think you need to get him to understand that it is important for the kids to spend time alone with each of you. As their mum they may naturally gravitate towards you but you need time to yourself. He needs to do his bit. To work on his bond with them. To SHARE their upbringing. Nip it in the bud now and hopefully things will change before your kids get much older. Good luck.

SimonJT · 03/02/2020 16:42

He needs to get a grip.

I’m a lone Dad in a fairly stressful ‘high power’ job and I’m more than capable of raising my son on my own. Yes it’s a bit shit sometimes and he can be really irritating like any four year old, but you just grit your teeth and get on with it.

Was he like this before or has it developed since the youngest was born?

Mummyzzz044 · 03/02/2020 16:52

My DH is the same. Although he is an absolute tryer... when my DD was first born I suffered from anxiety and always felt it was only me that could do night feed, put her to bed, settle her for naps and so on.
Now shes super fussy and I feel I cant go out anywhere because she absolutely screams in temper when hes trying to settle her... which makes me anxious

Recently got sciatica and found it impossible to put her to bed. She usually goes at 7, its been taking till about 8 and I'm still having to step in.
Dont want to hijack the post but I'm willing to take advise Wink lol

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/02/2020 16:58

How old is she mummy?

Fannia · 03/02/2020 17:05

I think most people would have some sympathy with a dh who is not the primary carer due to being at work long hours, and doesn't find it quite as easy to settle the dc as the mum. The point is does he try his best wanting his wife to have a break with her friends and to bond with the dc while he has the chance or does he repeatedly text his wife to come home and not even feel bad that he can't look after his own children for a few hours.

Mummyzzz044 · 03/02/2020 17:11

Shes almost 7 months old, and I dont know whether my anxious ness is still there as in he cant settle her now. But they are clever little things

GEEpEe · 03/02/2020 17:12

@RedRed9

No I'm suggesting that the OP rethink how they structure their entire lifestyle if she wants to change how things have gone so far. That might mean taking a financial loss so he's actually available to learn in a way that isn't just chucking him (and most importantly the kids) in the deep end.

GEEpEe · 03/02/2020 17:13

@Elbeagle

I know it is possible because me, my wife, and from the sounds of it, your husband all work long hours and have that bond. Likely because we all decided that's how we want to do things pretty early on.

Graphista · 03/02/2020 17:24

No they are no less capable than women!

He needs as a pp said MORE experience not less. To get to know them, to develop his own parenting rhythm.

My grandfathers, dad and ex husband - none of whom were particularly “enlightened” men were/are all perfectly capable of managing babies and young children. They did night wakings from the start so learned each child’s individual preferences for settling (in the case of my grandfathers that was 6 babies one side 5 the other and sometimes settling more than one baby at a time), cared for children while the mums were at work or out socially on a very regular basis.

My mum worked retail mainly & pub work as this meant she was able to fit some hours around dads working patterns and therefore limit childcare costs, this meant she mostly worked eves and saturdays and dad would make dinner both nights, supervise homework, on Saturdays do things like swimming, roller disco (yes I’m old!), ice skating, or just to the park or for nature walks and teach us things like identifying plants and animals, teach us cycling... though that was when we were older of course but as the eldest I remember he also coped fine with baby/toddler care of my siblings. I actually have very fond memories of those Saturdays, maybe partly as we were allowed to do some things those days that mum wouldn’t have let us away with, but the basic needs were covered. We were fed, watered, dressed appropriately for the weather (even if somewhat mismatched compared to what mum would have done), entertained, educated, listened to... it was great then!

I even know several step fathers who’ve been really good at calming fractious babies/toddlers and taken to making up bottles and changing nappies etc no problem at all.

Your partner doesn’t WANT to do this parenting so he’s deliberately making it seem as if he’s incapable.

Frankly my response would be in your shoes to be out every night for the next week! And thereafter have AT LEAST one evening if not one full day where he has sole parenting responsibility a week.

Assuming he’s not a total uncaring arse he won’t let his children suffer and will instead step up and realise he’d better LEARN to parent and fast!!

I had emcs with dd and lost a lot of blood and was very very ill even after I left hospital. She was bf so I did all feedings, no paternity leave back then but ex took 2 weeks annual leave he’d saved up and with night feedings he’d get up too and get me a drink if necessary, do burps and nappy changes and setting so I wasn’t doing it all. When he went back to work I obviously had sole care in the day but as soon as he was home he’d “take over” Do the next nappy change, bath her, put a laundry on, cook dinner, do dishes etc he’d not be doing everything we’d do it between us but it certainly wasn’t a case of me doing all the “baby stuff” and him doing “men’s work” and he continued to do his share at night too - yes even though working the next day. And he was army so his work could be very demanding, long hours etc.

When she went through her colicky phase she settled better for him than me! He’d literally walk the streets with her in his arms or take her out a wee drive which usually worked a treat.

Naomh · 03/02/2020 17:34

For example, my best friend comes in from work, kids are in the bath or bed by then. He generally unwinds in a clean house and his wife gives him dinner around 9. When the babies were small, she slept in the spare room with them at night.

In the morning, he gets up and gets ready for work, is maybe around the kids for half an hour or so but he just gets himself ready and leaves.

This is how they have set up their lives. His wife thinks it's hard on someone to go and work all day and come into childcare and housework so she prides herself on the fact that she does the housework and kids and he comes home to peace and quiet.

Do they not both have permanent jetlag from all that time travel from the 1950s?

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