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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner hit me with a pillow this morning in anger

517 replies

Milosunshine · 03/02/2020 05:38

I’m aware a pillow isn’t the worst thing you can throw at someone however my partner has gone into an angry outburst because I haven’t made his breakfast this morning. For the past 2 years I have created a rod for my own back and woken up at 5am (2 and half hours before I am due to leave for work) and made his breakfast and lunch. I mentioned last week I was getting tired so at the end of last week he let me lie in. This morning he is infuriated and said it was one off. Just venting really as I feel so emotional and guilty 😞

OP posts:
deydododatdodontdeydo · 03/02/2020 09:24

Hitting you with a pillow is honestly the least bad thing he has done.
He's trained you to accept being a domestic servant.
Great for him to have an old fashioned wife who does his bidding.
I bet saying "no" to him is never an option, in every matter?
But you love him, right, so no point in telling you to leave.

Pippinsqueak · 03/02/2020 09:26

Wow.

Abuse gets worse during and after pregnancy FYI

loobyloo1234 · 03/02/2020 09:29

Oh OP. Come on. This is not normal. This is abusive. Why would you want to have children with a violent man? Pls leave him and get some counselling. It will be fists next

NearlyGranny · 03/02/2020 09:36

The reason his violent behaviour is rare is because you are compliant. He doesn't need to bully and threaten most of the time.

When you find your voice, he turns on the threats to silence you. That's why he's nice most of the time. You have learned to live and operate within his framework, in the spaces he has assigned you. You are essentially his domestic appliance. He believes he owns you: your body, mind and labour.

This is not the place to bring a child. This is not a place for you to inhabit, either. How he was raised can be an explanation but never an excuse.

ColdCottage · 03/02/2020 09:36

You sound like a very kind person and I am sure you would quickly find a new partner who loved and cared for you like ALL partners should.

Who respects you and treats you like an equal. Who makes you feel wonderful about yourself and who spoils you as much as you spoil them.

There are 7.7 billion people on this planet and as much as you this this man is special right now and has qualities when he is "nice" that you'd miss there are SO many other people out there waiting for you to meet them.

Us all saying leave is easy, when you life is tangled up with someone else it's not so easy. Do you have a support network in RL you can call upon to help you leave? If not maybe your local social services or GP might have some local support groups you can speak to about leaving a relationship where you are under coercive control in a safe way.

Drum2018 · 03/02/2020 09:38

Muster up some self respect and get the hell away from him. Do you honestly think your life with him will ever get better? It won't, but I guarantee you it will get worse if you stay with this abusive asshole. Do not attempt to get pregnant by this animal. He will ruin your life if you are tied to him with a child.

zasknbg · 03/02/2020 09:43

It is fantastic that you don’t have kids. It means you can make a clean break and you absolutely must. Can you imagine having a baby and all the work that entails with a man who thinks you are his slave?

It doesn’t matter if it’s learnt behaviour from his dad. My dad beat us and it hasn’t caused by brother to beat his wife or children. In fact, quite the opposite. It’s caused him to be highly protective of them.

BobbyBlueCat · 03/02/2020 09:50

Well, you're not married and don't have kids.
He's a long family history of domestic abuse so is a prime candidate for carrying on that cycle.
He's just beginning with the 'low-level' physical violence.

You are not yet terrified. You are not completely worn down and controlled.
Now is the easiest, and best time, to leave.

Do you think for some reason that when you have children that they WON'T be affected this time around the cycle? That they won't grow up to be abusers like he has done? Or see this as healthy and get with someone who abuses them?
You know what he is like. So any abuse that future children suffer (be it physical or psychological) is completely on you. Because you could have prevented the entire thing.

But you quite clearly have no intention of leaving.
So crack on. Because you 'love him so much'.
And in five years time we'll have you back on here begging for sympathy and support because you want to leave but don't know how you can. And we'll all have to be compassionate and not be horrible to you because you are a 'victim'. Despite you knowing what he was like, being advised to leave and getting all the support at the right time yet doing nothing about it.

ToTravelIsToLive · 03/02/2020 09:54

Don't live his mum's life. Get out before your tied to him for life by a child. He has shown you who he is. It doesn't matter how nice he can be as that is the fake bit. He could get off his lazy arse and do his lunch the night before and wake 10 mins earlier to make breakfast.

CSIblonde · 03/02/2020 09:56

"I'd miss the person he is when he's not angry".
That's not the real him OP. Any niceness is to rein you back in & keep you under his control. It's manipulation, so that when he shows who he really is you justify it with 'the good bits make up for that' . And the good bits get fewer & fewer. It's called coercive control. The Geoff & Yasmeen plotline on Corrie is a perfect example if you're still not sure. He's vile then nice, reeling her back in, leaving her confused, plans & dictates her day, isolates her from friends, tells her what to do, spies on her via hidden camera, has her acting like his servant, cleaning 24/7 & treating her like a naughty child. You need to get out.

qazxc · 03/02/2020 10:00

It's not ok.
It's not your fault, even if you didn't work/ spent 24 hours a day in bed, nothing excuses violence and throwing things at you.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/02/2020 10:00

Please people, don't have a go at the OP for not agreeing to leave immediately!!

It's well known that it can take more than one attempt to leave an abusive relationship - it's just not that simple for many who have been conditioned to accept their situation, and to think that it IS their fault. Just "telling them" isn't enough! And abusing them for not taking the advice to leave immediately is almost as bad as what her husband is doing to her - belitting her for not doing as she's told.

Stop it!

HeadachesByTheDozen · 03/02/2020 10:00

Please leave as soon as possible. He wants a 1950s housewife who cooks him breakfast. Do you have to make his lunches as well? He is a sexist pig and thinks you should listen to him only and he doesn't have to listen to you. I would not put up with this behaviour for a second in fact, I feel furious for you! He is bullying woman-hating pig. If you are not married, and have no kids with him, you dodged a bullet, so there is nothing tying you to him. Get out now. I would not stay another night, in fact, I would tell him to leave, and I'd have my father/brother around when I confronted him. Do not stay another night with him. He is a pig.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/02/2020 10:02

That's not aimed at the posters immediately preceding my post, by the way, but at the several I've read attempting to shame the OP into leaving.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 03/02/2020 10:02

I really hope you're still reading Op and realise this is not normal and not Ok. You are getting up 1.5 hours earlier than you need to every single day for him. That's a full working day a week in addition to your work, just to do something for him that most adults manage to do for themselves. He 'let you' have a lie in? Partners are not supposed to tell each other when to get up. Most people only make the other breakfast if they take it in turns or that's the way they have decided between them to split chores and their partner does something of equal time (eg I might make breakfast if my husband was getting the kids dressed). Being nice some of the time or even most of the time is not an excuse to treat you like a slave and abuse you when you dare to disobey. You can find a man who treats you well the vast majority of the time, never abuses you, never blames you for any poor behaviour, and makes his own bloody breakfast as well as yours if he has to get up first.

You are in an abusive relationship. There will be lots of support and advice on mumsnet when you decide to leave

recklessruby · 03/02/2020 10:03

Please leave while it's just you in the situation.
I dont know what planet he lives on if he thinks you dont get tired and need rest after working in a SEN school. It s hard work!
Don't be my friend who had 2 children with an abusive man and then took years to leave and now her eldest son is messed up and having counselling for serious anger issues (big teenager who she is frankly scared of).
She s a lovely person, oddly enough works in SEN too. I wonder if these men target the quiet empathic types?
We have all tried to get her to leave for years and are so glad she has but she is a broken version of the lovely bubbly girl i met 20 odd years ago.
Please leave. He wont get better. Look after yourself.

Seashellsandbuttons · 03/02/2020 10:05

He sounds horrible 🙁 is he usually ok with routine changes? Genuine question

Wellhellooothere · 03/02/2020 10:08

None of that's right, why are you skivving around after him? He lost it because you didn't want to get up hours early to make him breakfast??
This isn't an isolated incident I'm guessing, he is behaving in an abusive way towards you.

Original poster
Milosunshine · 03/02/2020 10:10

Just wanted to say a massive thank you to you all. Also an update I went into work and basically broke down. The deputy head has been absolutely amazing and has sat with me helping me fill out a referral form to the IDVA. Work have sent me home so I can collect my stuff and go to my cousin’s house. Feeling very overwhelmed and anxious but I know this is for the best.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/02/2020 10:12

Good for you OP, and your deputy for being so supportive.
You'll be ok Thanks

Awittyusernameishardtofind · 03/02/2020 10:13

Well done. It’s hard but will turn out to be a great thing for you in the future xx

FizzAfterSix · 03/02/2020 10:13

Well done for your courage and bravery!

12345kbm · 03/02/2020 10:13

Well done OP. It's hard but you know it's the right thing to do. Stay safe. I'm so glad you reached out for support.

TheMaddHugger · 03/02/2020 10:13

((((Hugs)))) What time does he come home ? Please dont be there when he does.

ColumbaPalumbus · 03/02/2020 10:15

You're a rockstar OP. Well done you! I hope you're able to access some therapy to figure out why this was ever ok and to break the pattern. Thanks