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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner hit me with a pillow this morning in anger

517 replies

Milosunshine · 03/02/2020 05:38

I’m aware a pillow isn’t the worst thing you can throw at someone however my partner has gone into an angry outburst because I haven’t made his breakfast this morning. For the past 2 years I have created a rod for my own back and woken up at 5am (2 and half hours before I am due to leave for work) and made his breakfast and lunch. I mentioned last week I was getting tired so at the end of last week he let me lie in. This morning he is infuriated and said it was one off. Just venting really as I feel so emotional and guilty 😞

OP posts:
Funkycats · 03/02/2020 08:35

I have read the whole thread. Please get in touch with woman's aid and get advice on leaving safely. This will only escalate.

Frenchw1fe · 03/02/2020 08:36

Please, please leave now before you have children.
Don't waste your life with someone who treats you like this.

MrsToothyBitch · 03/02/2020 08:39

It's only the start, OP. You're not a lazy bitch, you don't have to make him breakfast, you aren't to blame for his behaviour and you're being conditioned into being his slave. But you seem to believe him.

You know it's wrong, deep down or you wouldn't have posted. Look to leave before you are further webbed up with this man and you're trapped. Abusers LOVE their partners being pregnant or with small DC- it traps you and keeps you dependent. So go now.

It's like a Pp said, would you knowingly drink tea with 5% shit in it? Would you knowingly get in a cage with a tiger you know could eat you? That's what you're doing.

saraclara · 03/02/2020 08:41

You say this is learned behaviour, as his father was abusive. Do you want any aim of yours to learn this behaviour too? Any daughter to learn that she has to be subservient because otherwise men will hurt her?

If you're not on contraception now, get on it again quickly. If anyone can come up with a lie that justifies him having to use a condom in the short term, that would be handy.
Though of course, better than that would be to leave today.

tenlittlecygnets · 03/02/2020 08:42

He has been aggressive towards me before.. mainly just throwing things at me or pushing me. But I feel like I can’t walk away because I would miss the person he is when he is not in that state of anger.

I bet you wouldn't miss getting up at 5 every day to make his lunch, doiung all the housework to 'make his life easier', walking on eggshells so you don't upset him, giving in to his every little whim, wondering when he will next push you or throw something at you.

He is abusive. You are in an abusive relationship. The only acceptable level of violence in a relationship is none.

You would be absolutely justified in leaving a relationship after he has been violent to you once - not repeatedly.

OP, whatever you do, do not get pregnant with this man again. You are in danger from him.

Please tell friends or family what is happening. Get some help.

JRUIN · 03/02/2020 08:45

He is an abusive bully and you sound like a downtrodden woman. You deserve so much better and I hope you can find the strength to LTB Flowers

Nanny0gg · 03/02/2020 08:46

I expect the OP is at work now.

But this isn't the first time she's been told to LTB.

She's not listening

champagneandfromage50 · 03/02/2020 08:46

I think you need to call womans aid just to have a chat about your situation. Getting real life support is important. You are spending alot o your time making excused for his abuse. We all have our histories, not everyone who comes from an abusive home become abusers. I dont beat my DC even though my mum beat me. So rather than understanding why he behaves like he does why dont you take time to reflect on why you are with someone who treats you so badly. What has led to you feeling you love him and cant leave

Collision · 03/02/2020 08:47

Why post if you are just going to defend him and tell us how much you love him?

He’s not very nice.
He doesn’t actually like you.

You would be better to move on and find someone who does love you.

Thedeadwood · 03/02/2020 08:48

You’re partner is an abusive arsehole. You’ve been told this many times before.
Leave him and please stop trying to get pregnant.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/02/2020 08:53

Why post if you are just going to defend him and tell us how much you love him?

Because it's bloody hard to accept that the one person you thought you'd always be able to rely has become an abusive arsehole, maybe?

LucyAutumn · 03/02/2020 08:55

This ringing lots of alarm bells OP, please don't get sucked in by the good times and the person he can be. It's sounds like he's progressively getting more abusive and controlling and the fact his own father was that was is a huge red flag. Be strong. Flowers

Nomorepies · 03/02/2020 09:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

champagneandfromage50 · 03/02/2020 09:07

I did a search and can see she posted in September and was given the same advice. They have only been together for two years and sounds like he has been awful from the start. So I don't agree with a PP that it's hard to leave as the one you thought you can rely on has become an abuser I think it's more that he has always been like this and the OP has no self worth and thinks that his behaviour is 'normal' therefore makes excuses for it. She needs to focus on herself and seek support for herself to unpick why she has set her bar so low, even if she did leave I have no doubt she would end up with a similar type of man if she doesn't seek support

Blanca87 · 03/02/2020 09:08

Sorry to be blunt but you won't miss him when you are dead. Don't be a statistic, love.

Awittyusernameishardtofind · 03/02/2020 09:13

‘Just a pillow’ or not it’s still an assault and if there aren’t consequences now. it will escalate to ‘just a slap’ ‘just a push’ ‘just a punch’ keep any texts you’ve exchanged with him about the subject, record any further messages and find a way out. You deserve better than this.

SidneyPrescott · 03/02/2020 09:13

@NettleTea

Jesus fucking Christ. Your poor MIL.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 03/02/2020 09:17

I had a fiance like this a long time ago. Charming, handsome, funny, temperamental moods, treated me like a slave, controlled my every move, alternated between promising me the world and threatening to kill me. Coercive control is the biggest mind fuck I've ever experienced - and that's without it escalating to actual violence. But I loved him, even on the worst days. And I believed that if I could just ask less of him, just stop antagonising him, just stop breaking the rules I didn't know the definitions of, just be better, then the bad days would get less and the good days would be more. But I was wrong. That kind of man has no limit on his expectations. You will never learn the rules, and if you do he'll change them. You will always be in the wrong, it'll always be your fault, and it will only get worse. That's how abusers are. Love isn't enough, it's not even close to being enough.

When I finally left I thought I would die from heart break. I cried all the way to the airport, all the way back to my home country, and for months after that. I was lucky that he could only chase after me by email or I might have gone back to him.

One day, as I was getting ready to go out with some friends I realised something. I wasn't having to ask his permission to go out. I wasn't having to prove that these friends wouldn't lead me to cheat. I was able to chose my own clothes. I wasn't having to secretly take the pill because someone was trying to coerce me into getting pregnant. I didn't need to worry about coming home to someone who would call me a slag and threaten to kill me if I ever cheated on him. I realised that I didn't live like that any more and I suddenly couldn't believe I ever had. That was 10 years ago. Now I live with my husband who is kind and gentle and an equal partner, and my 2 children who have a wonderful father and a calm stable home. To think I could have missed out on this life for the sake of my ex is beyond comprehension to me.

You will miss him, because you love him, because that's the greatest power abusers hold over their victims. But love isn't enough. Trust me.

champagneandfromage50 · 03/02/2020 09:17

Nettletea that is truly shocking. I take it your DH relationship with his father is pretty poor

AtomicRabbit · 03/02/2020 09:18

Milo, please be careful. He sounds like a very aggressive manipulative man. I would not alert him to your plans to leave until you are absolutely 100% ready and you have a safe place to go. Without meaning to sound dramatic, his behaviour suggests he could go absolutely mad at you and beat you to within an inch of your life, or maybe even take it, if he thinks you are going to leave him.

So be very very careful. Don't use any of the trite suggestions here about changing the locks and 'throwing him out'. He's far more pscyhologically dangerous than that, I believe.

Find a women's hostel/charity close by, inform the police as suggested by PPs, get everything you need for full support before you go and then do it while he's not around and at work.

Look up the term 'gaslighting' - it's what he's doing to you where he's trying to make you think you are to blame for everything that goes wrong. He puts everything on you, making you think you're the bad one and through the bad shaming feeling, he manages to continue to control you.

This is NOT love. You are in love with the idea of being in love with somebody but love is NOT shaming, shouting, pushing, shoving, threatening etc.

Love it kindness and understanding, loyalty, admiration, truth, trust and respect.

I don't think he shows you these qualities at all or even enough to warrant the idea that he is actually in love with you because he himself doesn't even know what love is. His family background means he's got a very warped idea of what relationships look like at home. Don't leave it 24 years to leave.

Go as soon as you can. As soon as it is safe to leave, leave.

AJPTaylor · 03/02/2020 09:18

Learned behaviour? I know 3 men who had violent parents. They learned from that how NOT to be.

AJPTaylor · 03/02/2020 09:19

Do you have parents?

Sparklesocks · 03/02/2020 09:19

He knows to be nice to you part of the time because it keeps you on side and stops you from leaving, because then it’s ‘not all bad’. It’s all a game to keep control over you and keep you obedient and submissive. Please understand that healthy, happy relationships don’t look like this.

LangittleClegabbage · 03/02/2020 09:19

OP, please ignore those who are criticising you. For whatever reason, you are failing to recognise what a dreadful situation you are in. But hopefully, bit by bit, you will, and then you can start to follow the advice given here.

Please keep posting. But do so in the Relationships board next time. It is more supportive than AIBU.

Satsuma2 · 03/02/2020 09:23

Please don't have children with him. Do you want them to have to put up with what you put up with. It will only get worse over time if you hang around. If you had children there would be noise, mess and less sleep for everyone, even if he doesn't help at night , they will wake him. This is not acceptable behaviour that you are at the moment tolerating. Please help yourself and don't make excuses for his behaviour.