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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner hit me with a pillow this morning in anger

517 replies

Milosunshine · 03/02/2020 05:38

I’m aware a pillow isn’t the worst thing you can throw at someone however my partner has gone into an angry outburst because I haven’t made his breakfast this morning. For the past 2 years I have created a rod for my own back and woken up at 5am (2 and half hours before I am due to leave for work) and made his breakfast and lunch. I mentioned last week I was getting tired so at the end of last week he let me lie in. This morning he is infuriated and said it was one off. Just venting really as I feel so emotional and guilty 😞

OP posts:
oatmilk4breakfast · 03/02/2020 14:04

Another voice here supporting you - he doesn’t see what he’s done wrong. That doesn’t mean he’s right. It means it’s fantastic you’ve left before he does something worse and then tells you not to tell anyone and it’s your fault for (not listening, not making breakfast, insert whatever else here). Would you want a son of yours to justify his behaviour this way? You have done well. Don’t let him get you back. He’s trying to confuse you and make you feel guilty.

beautifulwhiskers · 03/02/2020 14:10

he let me lie in

This is just as bad as throwing the pillow, the other side of the same coin.

He shouldn't 'let' you do anything. You decided you want a lie in and don't feel like making breakfast, you don't. It's your choice. You are not his slave. He does not own you.

Please try to stay strong OP I know this is devastating but I also know if you can get through this you will be looking back at some point in the future and you will be so glad you escaped. Flowers

Bluetrews25 · 03/02/2020 14:12

Milo let your friends / family / colleagues cherish you.
Take someone with you when you pop back to the house. Do not answer his calls. He will mess with your head as he is sooooo good at doing.
Be strong, honey.

MsScribbles · 03/02/2020 14:14

I'm not an expert, but wanted to say well done for taking the first steps, and please don't go back to him. And please, please don't have kids with him. You clearly care about children, given your job. The guilt you will feel for bringing a child into this situation will eat you up inside.

The phrase which comes to mind when reading your update about his wheedling and gaslighting is: you can't reason with unreasonable people. So don't try.

It is not up to you to justify your decision. You're an autonomous person who makes her own decisions, and you are perfectly entitled to leave him for any reason at all- regardless of the abuse you have undoubtedly suffered.

Would it help to come up with a couple of sentences, that you can either repeat to yourself as a sort of mantra, and/or say to him? Words that simplify the situation, that don't engage with whether what he did was a big deal (it was) or get you tangled up knots/ argued out of your decision.

eg "I am ending the relationship. I don't want to be with you any more."

There isn't any arguing with that, is there?

Stay strong OP. Do it for yourself and your future babies.

Durgasarrow · 03/02/2020 14:15

That's insane behavior.

Barton10 · 03/02/2020 14:17

I lived with somebody like this and I thought it was my fault. He was the most loving person when he was nice but when I upset him he was vile. Making me feel like I was ugly and useless and nobody else would want me. I used to cry at my desk at work as I didn't want to go home at night. Just because somebody isn't beating you doesn't mean they are not abusive. I had CBT and did the freedom programme and it made me realise that it wasn't my fault. Please don't go back you are worth so much more than this.

Motoko · 03/02/2020 14:18

Don't go back to the house on your own, even if he should be at work, because chances are, he'll be there. It will be too dangerous to be on your own with him. The police will accompany you if you ask.

I can't stress this enough, DO NOT BE ALONE WITH HIM.
It would also be a good idea to block his number, so he can't keep ringing you to try to get you to change your mind.

loopery · 03/02/2020 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

EKGEMS · 03/02/2020 14:21

Why even talk to him? He's a manipulative and violent abuser?! He finds hitting another person acceptable as long as he has any reason whatsoever! He's a violent motherfucker-end it with him

AnyCreamWillDo · 03/02/2020 14:22

I was going to post to say that any time he justifies his behaviour or tells you how behaviour is your fault, ask yourself whether he would be happy for an outside person to hear our read his justification or blame. If the answer is no, then it's because he KNOWS it's a crock and he is trying to manipulate you.

But by the time I came to post this, that is exactly what has happened and lo and behold, he knows full well that everyone on the outside will think his behaviour makes him a cunt. Because he knows it too.

Shining sunlight on abusive behaviour is always the answer, OP. Bullies operate in the dark. Well done for getting out.

I'm so sorry for your pregnancy loss but the silver lining is that you are not tied to this man for the rest of your life and can have your babies in a happy environment if that is what you choose. Flowers

Streamingbannersofdawn · 03/02/2020 14:24

Loopery - really???

That's what a person being abused needs is it?...to feel even more crap about themselves.

It's not always that simple to just end a relationship and leave it really isn't.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/02/2020 14:27

@loopery firstly, stop being so bloody nasty.

Secondly, read the update.

loopery · 03/02/2020 14:27

@Streamingbannersofdawn in your opinion. This is an open forum and I’ve posted my opinion. She’s had loads of “there there poor you” responses. Maybe my response might actually shake her out of her fog and make her do something. She’s been getting up at 5am for two years for Christ’s sakes. Enough is enough.

Reversiblesequinsforadults · 03/02/2020 14:27

Loopery. You are a dickhead. How dare you make this about you and your needs!

champagneandfromage50 · 03/02/2020 14:28

I dated someone who was proud that in his family the men didnt beat woman as they were low lives. However he found nothing wrong at pushing woman around, throwing stuff at them, intimidating them as he was tall and being verbally abusive. He sounds exactly like your DP who would say but 'i didnt hit you', if you had stopped having a go I wouldnt have done x, it never changes as truly in his head saw absolutely nothing wrong with it.....I didnt stay long

Whentheleavesfalldown · 03/02/2020 14:28

@loopery victim blaming at it's finest

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 03/02/2020 14:29

I am so sorry for your miscarriage, I really am, and can only apologise that my next point will seem insensitive.

But if you had a child with this man a daughter would learn that this kind of behaviour is what women should expect from a relationship and a son will learn, as he did from his dad, that it's ok to treat people. Is that what you want from family life?

No good ever comes from a relationship where one person is modifying their behaviour to ensure the other person doesn't get angry.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 03/02/2020 14:31

Sorry, OP, I managed to miss your update. Stay strong.

HeadachesByTheDozen · 03/02/2020 14:32

@loopery She has finally left, made a stand, and you are attacking her still. Really, I would be horrified that a SEN child had someone with your destructive and abusive attitude as a parent.

KellyHall · 03/02/2020 14:33

I'm pleased he realises that the behaviour he's exhibited makes him a cunt!

He is trying to turn it around on you because nothing is ever the fault of the abuser. He's grooming you, as he has done for years. Believe in yourself and don't believe his lies.

Cappachuchu · 03/02/2020 14:33

Way to go with the victim blaming loopery
Op don't take anymore of this cunts calls, he's gaslighting you. Get a copy of the book 'why does he do that'. Go to your cousins and stay safe. The next time will be a punch in the head.

LannieDuck · 03/02/2020 14:34

Turn it around OP.

Do you think it would be fair for you to get home after work and go and put your feet up? Wait for your DH to cook dinner and tidy it away, then expect him to get up 2 hours early to make you a breakfast and lunch to take to work with you?

Would you feel justified lounging around while he did all that? Or would you feel a bit embarrassed? Would you feel as if you should be helping out?

...or would you wake him up by hitting him with a pillow when he was too tired to get your breakfast one day?

Poppyfieldsummerdays · 03/02/2020 14:35

You sound like a live in house servant from olden times. Have you not heard of feminism yet. Do you have access to a radio or tv. Are you in the country somewhere.

JeezyPeeps · 03/02/2020 14:36

@loopery

I'd be horrified if any of my friends was an unnecessarily judgemental arsehole.

Each to their own, huh.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 03/02/2020 14:36

I'm sure that many, many posters have already said this, but ...

He just can't take any responsibility for himself, can he? It's always your problem, or you made him, or he's going to look like a cunt because of you.

The problem is you're living with a manchild who is incapable of growing up and being an adult ... and an abusive one at that. Please don't give him a moment more of your time.

Flowers