Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner hit me with a pillow this morning in anger

517 replies

Milosunshine · 03/02/2020 05:38

I’m aware a pillow isn’t the worst thing you can throw at someone however my partner has gone into an angry outburst because I haven’t made his breakfast this morning. For the past 2 years I have created a rod for my own back and woken up at 5am (2 and half hours before I am due to leave for work) and made his breakfast and lunch. I mentioned last week I was getting tired so at the end of last week he let me lie in. This morning he is infuriated and said it was one off. Just venting really as I feel so emotional and guilty 😞

OP posts:
L0bstersLass · 03/02/2020 13:25

@Milosunshine
he’s made me feel like I’ve created a drama out of nothing

This is what he is skilled at.
You have not created a drama out of nothing.
He hit you - ok with a pillow but that's not the point - he hit you.
He then tried to put the blame for that on you.
It is not your fault.
It doesn't matter how frustrated he was by you not listening, there is no excuse to hit you.

He doesn't respect you. He's a bully and he will try to make you feel guilty for standing up for yourself.

Please do not let him twist what happened this morning.
You have done nothing wrong.
You are doing totally the right thing by leaving.
I urge you to not let him back into your life.

zasknbg · 03/02/2020 13:25

Op - his reaction says it all.

He was not concerned about how you felt, how he had hurt you and he was not concerned with apologising.

Instead he was concerned with blaming you, minimising his actions and he was concerned about himself and what other people will think.

It is difficult and you will feel terrible but it is the right thing to do getting away from a nasty man like this.

copperoliver · 03/02/2020 13:27

The person in a state of anger will come more often.
Walk away while you still can. X

Nonnymum · 03/02/2020 13:27

Just tell him to make his own breakfast. You are not his servant. I'm sure you work just as hard as he does. Does he ever make you meals?

BohoBunney · 03/02/2020 13:27

Get the police involved and let him try and smarm his way out of that situation the fucking spunktrumpet.

He is an abuser.
He is a coward.
He is a prick.
He is not a nice man, or loving, or anything you describe.
He is controlling and gaslighting.
If you go back he could very well kill you.
This WILL escalate.

Leave, don't look back, allow time to grieve but don't give into it if you want a happy, safe future.

Do the freedom programme.

Supertrooper98 · 03/02/2020 13:29

But that's how he intends you to feel. Please please don't fall for it. He will try everything to manipulate you into doing what he wants.

MulticolourMophead · 03/02/2020 13:34

He wants you to feel guilty and come running home with your tail between your legs like the good little slave he needs you to be.

This.

OP, do NOT listen to him, he's trying to get you back under his control.

And if you need to retrieve anything from the house, get a family member, friend, someone to go with you.

What's the housing situation like? Rented? owned? And whose name is it in?

saraclara · 03/02/2020 13:34

He hit you because you failed to get up at 5am to make his breakfast. Seriously, let that sink in.

The pillow isn't the issue really. It's the fact that he was angry enough to hit you with anything, because you failed to get up two hours before you need to, to make his breakfast.

copperoliver · 03/02/2020 13:35

That was nice of him not pushing you while you were pregnant.
Now you've read this can you see how silly it sounds.
Please get away from him. Do not under any circumstances get pregnant again.
Leave him or ask him to leave and meet someone who treats you like a lady not a punch bag or slave. X

beautifulwhiskers · 03/02/2020 13:36

I did it because you weren’t listening

So, if you don't do whatever it is he wants you to do he will punish you.

Even now he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/02/2020 13:38

Was any of his phone call about your feelings because it sounds like it all revolved around the impact on him?

He doesn’t care that you felt so unhappy and scared that you had to leave, he cares about his reputation.

He thinks he is more important and valuable than you.

beautifulwhiskers · 03/02/2020 13:39

I iron my husbands shirt every day.

He works full-time and I don't.

I don't mind ironing it but every now and then I don't do it - I either forget or I'm too tired.

There is NEVER a complaint or comment about this.

He either does it himself or wears the same shirt as he wore yesterday or the day before.

ptumbi · 03/02/2020 13:41

Oh of course he is saying it's all your fault! If he didn't have 'an excuse ' for throwing something(anything) at you, what would that make him?

A Cunt, as he thinks people will think him.

Which is what he is.

Doesn't matter if it's a pillow, a plate, a fist, a wardrobe... - throwing anything at the person your are supposed to love is wrong and is abuse.

You know this, otherwise you wouldn't have posted. Please stay out!

PotholeParadise · 03/02/2020 13:42

So, at work, how many people have you hit because they weren't listening? I bet the answer is none.

I want you to imagine hitting one of your colleagues with an object, and then telling your manager that you did it because your colleague wasn't listening. What would your manager say?

MrsGolightyly · 03/02/2020 13:44

Bless you @Milosunshine, you're having an absolute mare but things will get better. You have taken the first steps to get away from this abusive man, so give yourself a massive pat on the back. Just stay strong and if you feel yourself weakening, just read this thread and know that Mumnset has your back

Sending you strength and understanding. Flowers

Nancydrawn · 03/02/2020 13:46

As pp have said, he then said but I bet you didn’t tell them that I did it because you weren’t listening is really, really bad.

It means that he thinks his behavior is justified. He thinks that violence is justified to force you to do what he wants. It means that he doesn't think you have the right to make decisions on your own.

This time it was breakfast and a pillow. What if next time it's a decision about what you wear, or whether you can see your family, or whether you want to have a baby? What's he going to do if you "don't listen" then?

I'm sure he's lovely when things go his way. But the problem is, that loveliness is a tool, too. It's there to reward you for listening, just like violence is to punish you for not listening. It conditions you to do what he wants, when he wants it.

It's really, really bad. And the fact that he can't see it means that he's not a safe partner.

Inherdefence · 03/02/2020 13:46

Does he hit people at work who he thinks aren’t listening to him? Or his parents? Or shop assistants? Or is it just you he gets to hit for not listening to him?

Don’t let him manipulate you OP. Even if what he was saying was true and you weren’t listening (and from what you say it isn’t true), it doesn't make it ok to hit you. Or push you or yell at you. Any one of those things is a good reason to end a relationship. Don’t let him bamboozle you into thinking they aren’t.

duffeldaisy · 03/02/2020 13:47

And following on from Pothole Paradise - what if you did end up having children with him? Would it be okay for him to order them around and to throw things at them when they're not listening?

You are in the right. He is the one with a warped view of things. It is never okay to do what he's doing.

JeezyPeeps · 03/02/2020 13:48

Well done. You've taken that first big step.

Do not give him headpspace. He will do his best to make out that you are being unreasonable, hysterical, ridiculous etc etc. You are not.

If you go back, he will use you against you. It will give him ammunition, in his head, to treat you even worse, because he will twist things in his head so that you are in the wrong and you owe him.

You have good people around you that will help and support you - let them.

And keep moving forward. One step at a time.

CinderEmma · 03/02/2020 13:49

You have not made a drama out of nothing! He's gaslighting you. Stay strong.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/02/2020 13:52

I'm glad you left. As far as your feelings for him, remember just because you love someone, that doesn't mean that they are right or good for you. And as far as the 'does lovely things', remember that a rotten apple can be beautiful on the outside, but you certainly don't want to eat one, do you? All those 'lovely things' are just surface things, they aren't the real relationship.

It may be better now for you to just block him. All he'll do is continue to justify himself at the expense of your self esteem and confidence. Right now you need building up, not tearing down.

QueSera · 03/02/2020 13:55

Oh OP - please stay strong. He will try to minimise his behaviour, make you feel like you're making something out of nothing, make you think you're exagerating, try to make you feel guilty etc etc. Please stay strong. He doesn't respect you, he treats you badly. Just from the little you've told us above, we can see that it is not a healthy relationship for you. The words below are all taken from your posts. Please stay strong and do not let him guilt/gaslight/blackmail/manipulate/etc you into staying with him. You deserve to be with someone who respects you.

my partner has gone into an angry outburst because I haven’t made his breakfast
For the past 2 years I have...woken up at 5am (2 and half hours before I am due to leave for work) and made his breakfast and lunch
at the end of last week he let me lie in. This morning he is infuriated and said it was one off
He called me a baby for saying I was tired
He keeps telling me about how hard he works for us
I try to make his life as easy as I can by doing all the housework, cooking etc.
I work full time
He’s made me feel so selfish
He’s said it’s my fault he hit me with the pillow because I wasn’t listening to him
He’s just rung me and called me a lairy little bitch
he said it’s my own fault
He has been aggressive towards me before.. mainly just throwing things at me or pushing me
before I was pregnant it was more verbal and emotional rather than physical
After I miscarried it was then he started the throwing and pushing

beautifulwhiskers · 03/02/2020 13:56

If it helps just think back to the amount of people on this thread who have said what he did is NOT really that bad, you ARE overreacting, it was ONLY a pillow, nothing to worry about.

None.

MulticolourMophead · 03/02/2020 13:58

Abusers rarely begin at 100% abusive behaviour. They build up to it, gradually and frequently do nice stuff along the way.

That's part of the way they operate, to make you feel dependent on them and less likely to leave.

By the time I left my Ex, he might make me a cup of tea. But that was so infrequent, I could count the number he made in a year on one hand. Yet he'd expect me to make him drinks all the time. And one time, not long before I left, he'd asked for a drink and I'd said he could make it himself, as I didn't want to get up. He instead "playfully" sat on me for 10 minutes trying to persuade me to make the drink. I gave in, in the end, but seriously, he could ahve made two drinks in that time. It wasn't about the drink, it was about him wanting me to do stuff for him.

billy1966 · 03/02/2020 13:59

I wonder OP, if you contacted the police and asked them for help, because your partner hit you....what he hit you with isn't relevant..... because you didn't wish to continue to get up 2 hours early to get him his breakfast.🙄

You are an abused woman, don't think for one second you are not.

Just because you don't have black eyes, does not mean anything.

You are an abused woman.

In an abusive relationship.

Do you really want to bring innocent children into an abusive home.