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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner hit me with a pillow this morning in anger

517 replies

Milosunshine · 03/02/2020 05:38

I’m aware a pillow isn’t the worst thing you can throw at someone however my partner has gone into an angry outburst because I haven’t made his breakfast this morning. For the past 2 years I have created a rod for my own back and woken up at 5am (2 and half hours before I am due to leave for work) and made his breakfast and lunch. I mentioned last week I was getting tired so at the end of last week he let me lie in. This morning he is infuriated and said it was one off. Just venting really as I feel so emotional and guilty 😞

OP posts:
TheCakeCrusader · 03/02/2020 13:04

BTW nothing justifies him hitting you with a pillow or any object. If he can attack you for pathetic reasons such as not serving his breakfast and making his lunch, does that then give him a right to hurt you even more if in his eyes, he thinks that you ‘deserve’ it?!! What an absolute abusive dickhead.

Anonanonanonanonanonanonanon · 03/02/2020 13:04

If leaving him and describing his behaviour to others will make him sound like a c*nt, that's simply because he is one, right?

If I left my loving husband and then described his everyday behaviour towards me, it would make me sound like a c*nt. That's the difference.

He has abused you, and he will abuse you again.

Stick to your guns, OP.

Original poster
Milosunshine · 03/02/2020 13:05

Thank you all so much, I’m feeling really low right now so your posts mean a lot.

OP posts:
TheSoapyFrog · 03/02/2020 13:06

Well done for taking these steps. Please, please, please stay strong and don't engage with him any further. Get a family member, friend or even the police to get your things from the house. Don't let him sweet talk you into going back, it will not end well for you.

redcarbluecar · 03/02/2020 13:07

Well done OP. Stay strong.

EvilPea · 03/02/2020 13:07

And actually regardless of the pillow incident.

He makes you get up early to make his breakfast, lunch and do all the housework. Before you go to do a full day at work and berates you for being tired?? He may be charming but he is no prince

hammeringinmyhead · 03/02/2020 13:07

You can't stay with someone, or having children with them, as they are getting increasingly violent. Don't speak to him any more. You don't have to pass his test of "reasons you are allowed to end it" in order to leave.

AtomicRabbit · 03/02/2020 13:09

So if alls fair in love and war, you're allowed to hit him with a pillow right now for not listening to you and your needs??

Why is it OK for him to throw things at you and then say it's your fault? What if you turned the tables and said "Now come on, you're not LISTENING" followed by throwing a random object at him.

Is that a fair way to behave? No it's not. He thinks he has the upper hand - which he does and has had until now. He will try to worm his way back into your life with his pity party and making out you're the one who's done something wrong. Do NOT let him do that. Gaslighting again.

Stay strong Milo and so proud of you for taking that first step today. It's going to be very very hard - but a year from now once you've processed and move on you'll have the most amazing feeling of freedom and the hope of something/someone far better to come.

Leave this nasty piece of work in the past as of today.

NewNameGuy · 03/02/2020 13:09

Remember even IF he is right, you're overreacting, etc- you can divorce him anyway, because you don't want to be married to him

acatcalledjohn · 03/02/2020 13:10

he then said but I bet you didn’t tell them that I did it because you weren’t listening..

What a fucking cunt.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 03/02/2020 13:11

The fact that he thinks people would agree with his actions if only you'd explained to them how much you'd wound him up...it shows there's absolutely no hope for him because he genuinely thinks he's allowed to treat you like that. I take it you've never been with a man who makes you feel loved and secure all the time because if you had, you wouldn't be hanging around for the scraps of affection he keeps you hooked with. The transition to being single is scary and lonely but it's a revelation once you're out the other side.

combatbarbie · 03/02/2020 13:11

Perhaps he needs to be reminded that an abuser doesn't have to give black eyes..... Mental pain is more often worse than physical pain which is why it takes longer for people to realise they are in abusive relationships. So he IS an abuser.....

He will now follow the script. Minimise, turn it back on you etc......

He will not believe his behaviour is wrong, he is a bully end of.

LOMY · 03/02/2020 13:13

He's a grown man, nothing he does is your fault!! Throwing things at you is not acceptable! Don't let him make you feel guilty.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 03/02/2020 13:13

It's to be expected that you're feeling low. You've been abused for several years. It will take time to recover. You may well need help. For now, be kind with yourself. 'Be excessively gentle to yourself.'

hammeringinmyhead · 03/02/2020 13:13

he then said but I bet you didn’t tell them that I did it because you weren’t listening.

"Just like I bet you don't tell people you make me get up at 5am to cook breakfast for you because I happen to have a vagina?"

AtomicRabbit · 03/02/2020 13:14

And don't be on your own with him. Make sure you have a friend or a family member with you in the house or close by at a cafe if you choose to see him there. Do not return to the house alone. do not be with him alone in a house or flat by yourself. I really don't trust him at all.

when you pick up your things, make sure you are with someone.

Remember, he is an abuser and he always will be unless he seeks help - but that's his journey - not yours. Go and be single for a while and then find someone who's not emotionally crippled. This man has red flags and alarm bells waving and ringing all around him.

You will find someone else far far better.

qazxc · 03/02/2020 13:15

He said it's just a pillow: yes, most abuser minimize their behaviour (it was only a slap, not a punch. You don't have any bruises/broken bones,....). He threw something at you in anger, that's crossing the line.

"You weren't listening to me"( subtext it's your fault), I don't care if you were in the middle of shagging his best mate, it doesn't excuse violence.

"People will think I'm a C" you are not responsible for what other people think. But, to me, C sounds about right TBH.

"I do nice things for you", well of course abusers have a nice side, it's part of the head fuck, you never know whether you are going to get Dr Jekill or Mr Hide.

DonKeyshot · 03/02/2020 13:17

Crossposted with your update, OP.

I see he's still gaslighting you and endeavouring to make you believe it's all your fault. If only you'd listened to him, he wouldn't have needed to hit you with a pillow. And if only you had got up when your lord and master rose, like the dutiful slave he's treated you as, and made his breakfast and lunch you'd still believe he can walk on water and be worshipping at his feet.

So everyone will think he's a cunt? When it comes to cunts, and cuntish behaviour, the mumsnet hive is never wrong. We know he's an abusive cunt and if everyone else cottons onto him it'll be no more than he deserves.

Stay away from him and stay safe, Milo. There's a much happier life waiting for you with a man who'll adore you and who will never display any anger towards you.

Honeyroar · 03/02/2020 13:18

Stay strong and keep yourself amongst people that support you.

You haven’t caused this. He’s got no remorse- he thinks you deserved it and he’s only worrying about what people will think of him, it’s not even made him question himself! He’s right, people probably will think he’s a c**t because he actually is one. He’s been treating you like a slave for years. It doesn’t matter that he’s nice at other times. That doesn’t balance out abuse. Keep your head and your resolve up. You need to walk away from this.

duffeldaisy · 03/02/2020 13:19

It must be so hard to gain perspective (well done for coming to Mumsnet with this to get just that). I got caught up in something quite similar years ago, and the control is so subtle and so incremental that you just don't realise it. So that you're so used to having to get up two hours early and making his food 'out of love' or out of kindness, that it normalises it.

It's not normal.
Have you had a 'normal' relationship in the past before this that you can guage it against (obv don't have to write it here!)? Can you begin to imagine asking a partner to go so far out of their way to make your food and tidy the house etc? It's not at all normal, it's not at all healthy.

And the fact that the first time you tried to change things he had a physical response to throw something? That's also not at all normal, and it's a very seriously wrong sign. You are not at all unreasonable for leaving this relationship. It's not just better for you to leave, it's properly unsafe for you to stay.

Get all the support and advice you can. Please be very careful leaving, and don't get talked into going back to sort things out. Take someone with you if you need to go back to get anything. Keep safe.
I hope that you can settle into a new freedom very fast, and put all this behind you. You are doing the right thing. You will be SO much happier and safer for leaving, and you can start on the road to the happy life you deserve.

SandAndSea · 03/02/2020 13:20

I'm so glad you're getting out, OP. Look after yourself. Flowers

AryaStarkWolf · 03/02/2020 13:21

Stop talking to him, he will wear you down

bobstersmum · 03/02/2020 13:21

Op. I am your future self. This won't get better or go away. It might subside at times leaving you thinking you were worried for nothing. But it will always be there, the underlying aggression and control. If you do have children or even if you don't, then one day in the distant future the penny will drop and you'll look at your life as if from outside and you will truly disbelieve that you've put up with this for so long. And you'll hate yourself. Please leave now. There is nothing keeping you with this excuse for a man.

duffeldaisy · 03/02/2020 13:22

@ScrimshawTheSecond wrote:

'Be excessively gentle to yourself.'

This. 100% this. Beautifully put.

VapingHot · 03/02/2020 13:23

Oh my darling girl. PLEASE don't go back. I know you want to, but it's addiction.
PLEASE don't go back Flowers