Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner hit me with a pillow this morning in anger

517 replies

Milosunshine · 03/02/2020 05:38

I’m aware a pillow isn’t the worst thing you can throw at someone however my partner has gone into an angry outburst because I haven’t made his breakfast this morning. For the past 2 years I have created a rod for my own back and woken up at 5am (2 and half hours before I am due to leave for work) and made his breakfast and lunch. I mentioned last week I was getting tired so at the end of last week he let me lie in. This morning he is infuriated and said it was one off. Just venting really as I feel so emotional and guilty 😞

OP posts:
Honeybadger22 · 03/02/2020 12:28

Sounds like you've been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 2 years and now the physical abuse is starting. He clearly has no respect or consideration for your feelings, he's looking for a slave not a partner ...I'd leave him as soon as possible - you deserve better! xxx

Nomorepies · 03/02/2020 12:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Clymene · 03/02/2020 12:36

Well done Milo. You can do this. Smile

Knittedfairies · 03/02/2020 12:37

Well done OP💐

Scarlettpixie · 03/02/2020 12:44

Well done OP. Stay strong 💐

OvalCanvas · 03/02/2020 12:47

Great update op. Please stay safe.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 03/02/2020 12:48

Oh, Milo. I'm so, so pleased that you are going somewhere safe. Thank god that the deputy has been so helpful - Flowers for her and Flowers, of course, for you.

This is the first day of the rest of your life, as the saying goes. You are going to flourish, my love. You are going to leave this shit behind and make a happier life for yourself. All the very best, we're all behind you.

There will be stuff to sort out, ask here if you need help or information, there's an absolute army of women here who have got your back and can give you good advice or just a hand hold if you need it.

WidoWanky · 03/02/2020 12:51

Following on from pp, if you have a joint account with an overdraft... withdraw what is yours. Then go into the branch and freeze the accounts. you dont need him maxing the overdraft and you being liable for half.

Same goes for anything else you are jointly responsible for. Protect yourself now and freeze them. Utility bills?? Give readings today if you are moving out.

Well done for acting so swiftly.

zen1 · 03/02/2020 12:51

Just read your update - well done OP, that’s a massive step you’ve taken! If any doubts begin to creep in, just re-read this thread and your own words: “ I know this is for the best.” You deserve and can have a happy future, free from abuse.

Original poster
Milosunshine · 03/02/2020 12:56

So, he’s just rung me and I explained I was staying at my cousins. He couldn’t understand why and I said about the pillow hitting over my head. He said it was just a pillow and I was overreacting. I said people at work had agreed with me that he shouldn’t have done that, he then said but I bet you didn’t tell them that I did it because you weren’t listening.. justifying himself again. I mentioned the other times he had been aggressive and he said I was making him out to be an abuser that gives black eyes. He said everyone will now think he’s a c* and I never mention any of the nice things he does for me (which I do) he’s made me feel like I’ve created a drama out of nothing 😞

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 03/02/2020 12:57

Of course he has. He wants you to feel guilty and come running home with your tail between your legs like the good little slave he needs you to be.

Lifeasweknow · 03/02/2020 12:58

The fact that he thinks that everyone will think he's a c**t surely shows that he knows it isn't right. Do not let him emotionally blackmail you into going home.

TheCakeCrusader · 03/02/2020 12:58

OP, he’s just gaslighting you again. Be strong, you are doing the right thing and leaving him.

DonKeyshot · 03/02/2020 12:59

I'm so relieved to hear you'll soon be safely away from him.

It will be hard for you at first, but as your sense of self returns you will come to see that treading on eggshells around a violent man is no way to live and not an environment to raise children in.

As others have said, he'll promise you the moon on a stick to win you back, but all his fine words will come to nothing when he has you in his control again.

File for divorce as soon as you can - as there's no children you can do it yourself online for the cost of the court fees. If you need any help filling out the forms please feel free to dm me.

This is for you Wine and these are for your deputy head Flowers

TheReef · 03/02/2020 13:00

Abusers are nice some of the time, otherwise no one would stay in a relationship with them! Just let that sink in.

As for breakfast, that would be the absolute last time I made him any breakfast.

As for throwing things - physical abuse

Blaming you - gaslighting

Name calling - emotional abuse

Pack him a bag and do yourself a massive favour and kick him out

Reversiblesequinsforadults · 03/02/2020 13:01

TBH the explanation that he did it because you "weren't listening" is far worse than the pillow because it shows how he thinks and how much he is gaslighting you. Be strong and keep talking to people who love you.

12345kbm · 03/02/2020 13:01

OP he's never going to admit to being an abuser. If he did, he would have to take responsibility for his behaviour and see himself for what he is.

You need support. Please contact the National Helpline 0808 2000 247 and they will give you advice and support.

He's minimising his abuse because that's what abusers do. He's making out that you're a drama queen and it's your fault. It's not your fault, you do not deserve this and you are not minimising. He is abusive and his behaviour is getting worse. You need to stop contacting him and get some support for yourself.

Funkycats · 03/02/2020 13:01

It's called gaslighting sweetie. Please talk to women's aid or similar. I'm so glad you are getting work and family support.
The way I see it, it's not the pillow that's the problem - it's the aggression and controlling behavior behind it.

Pippinsqueak · 03/02/2020 13:02

Don't let him bully you any longer, black eyes, name calling, hitting with pillow, throwing things, emotional blackmail all the same things.

Glad you're going somewhere safe and your work has helped you

OvalCanvas · 03/02/2020 13:03

Stay strong @Milosunshine , you know what he is.

Lifeasweknow · 03/02/2020 13:03

How on earth would he behave if you had children? My kids never bloody listen to me! It doesn't mean I go around whacking them with inanimate objects

HeadachesByTheDozen · 03/02/2020 13:04

You weren't listening??? You should have told him that HE was the one who wasn't listening. You have NOT created drama, HE did! He created this, all because he was too lazy to cook his own goddamn breakfast. Him saying you are 'not listening' really means 'you are not doing what I want you to do'. That's what he means. He is the one who wasn't listening. Not you. And yes, he IS an abuser. Pushing/shoving is abuse. Belittling you is abuse. Yelling at you and abusing you because you won't get up at stupid o'clock to pour him cereal is abuse. Belittling you to the position of a 1950s housewife and accusing you of 'not listening' to him when you rightfully tell him to make his own, is abuse. If he doesn't like to be made out as an abuser, maybe he should stop acting like an abuser!

Please believe me, you are not creating drama! He is causing the drama. And all because he is too lazy to make his own breakfast. He is the drama queen here, not you!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/02/2020 13:04

@Milosunshine he's justifying hitting you - just because it's a pillow it doesn't mean he hasn't hit you.

Imagine if your friend said to you "DP hit me but it was my own fault for not listening to him."

Don't feel like you're overreacting because you're really not.

qazxc · 03/02/2020 13:04

You are not creating drama or being unfair to him.
He is minimizing and gaslighting.

EvilPea · 03/02/2020 13:04

What a prick.
He’s going to want to achieve three things
Get you back and back in line.
Minimise what he did and blame it on you.
Stop you telling anyone anything he does again.

He’s not asked if your ok, he’s not apologised.