To ask, if you had your time again, would you have kids?

[UndecidedOne]

My husband and I don't have kids yet (he's 32 and I'm 27). We have bought a bigger house in preparation for starting a family, but I'm just not sure if I want kids or not. So would you have kids again if you could start over? And what do you like and dislike about being a parent?

As a parent I’m shocked with some of the strange narratives people trot out “you’ll never experience a love like it”, “I now realise my life had no meaning before” etc.

I think it’s all bollocks. A friend of mine is in his 50s, married for 30 years, no kids, and his life is great. They both have good careers, are out several times a week, travel loads, give to charity and are genuinely the happiest, most fulfilled people I know!

My boss (who has three grown up kids) was recently warning a colleague not to put all her eggs in one basket and to make sure marriage and career and social life stays healthy. Her kids are great and successful but two live in the US and the other in Scotland so she only sees them all once or twice a year now. Luckily she has lots going on elsewhere in her life or else it’d be a sad and empty one. She’s said to me a few times how relieved she is she didn’t give up work (like many of her peers did in the 80s/90s) to have kids but struggled to keep her career going.

I think most people you ask who have kids will say it’s amazing and most people childfree by choice will also say their lives are better that way. Firstly none of us can tell you what the alternative would’ve been like and also - even if deep down they know they’re talking rubbish - it’s psychologically very hard to admit we might have made a choice that significantly detracted from our happiness.

Basically I think you can be happy, fulfilled and have a lovely life with or without kids but I’d never devote myself to them at the exclusion of all else (and if I had my time again I’d probably just be a really fun aunt instead!)

I say all this with a wonderful daughter who has been SO easy. If life had dealt me a harder hand I have no idea how I’d cope.

Absolutely.

Nope. Didn't want them this time around and still wouldn't want them if I had my time again! huh? You had kids that you didn't even want? How did you manage that @23:40Chesntoots ?

Yes I definitely would. Kids don’t HAVE to run around in public places, scream, or interrupt, that’s just bad behaviour and lazy parenting. My kids haven’t ever behaved like that as I’m very strict and reinforce proper boundaries.

Nope.

Yes I absolutely would BUT after 19 years of parenting I am counting down the next 8 years till m youngest goes to uni!( hopefully!) My advice is have them all very close together. I have 4 children and had on average a 4 year gap between each one. Seems easier at the time but when the oldest reaches 18 you suddenly realise if you had had them close together you would have soon had your freedom back!!!😂😂

No

I’d have had one.

And definitely not more than one.

I wanted children all my life, for as long as I remember. I loved becoming a mum in my late 30s.

I don’t know why I decided it would be nice for DC1 to have a sibling. I really regret having a second child. I thought that feeling of regret would disappear but DC2 is now at school, is a lovely child but parenting is one long relentless and unenjoyable slog.

If you do not have a burning desire to be a parent. Don’t!

Yes absolutely. I have one dc8 and she is fab! Would've had more but wasn't meant to me. Most days I'm so happy I only have one as it appears so easy in comparison to those who have several, especially those with small age gaps. Our house is calm, apart from when ddog has a crazy moment!

When I was your age I was recently married and pregnant (had to have Ivf). My dh was the same age as yours, had our own house, both good careers and financially sound. You're young enough that you don't need to make a decision now but everyone's parenting experience is different, depending on their circumstances. I would recommend having one. To me it's the perfect balance of having a family unit and maintaining a career, sense of self and a social life- things that may not be important to others but were to me.

As a parent I’m shocked with some of the strange narratives people trot out “you’ll never experience a love like it”, “I now realise my life had no meaning before” etc.

Yes to the above. It is a form of brainwashing except to themselves. I doubt even they fully believe it. Certainly nobody listening or reading such rubbish believes them.

My sister and brother in law, no kids, have an amazing life and lifestyle. They are very fulfilled, wealthy in both time and money, and are stress free.

When my two were between 1 and 5 I'd have given them away to a good home. It nearly broke me.
But despite never wanting children before I had them it was the best thing I ever did.
They are in their 30s now and we've shared more than 25 years of love and deep friendship, which now extends to their spouses and children.
I have a probably fallible theory that the more you want children before you have them the bigger crash it becomes when harsh reality strikes, but after the tough early years it really does get better.
BUT having a supportive, caring and hands on partner makes the greatest difference: I couldn't have coped at all without dh.

For sure. I love my kids more than anything in my life and can't imagine my life without them. Yes they're very hard work. Well not once they hit 3 but until then it was tough. If I had it all to do again I'd probably have another one

Yes, personally I would. But I respect anyone's decision not to have them and totally understand why you may choose not to.

Kids make you a better person. And they're SUCH a good laugh. Honestly they make you laugh like nothing else. They just look for the funny side in everything.

But they also make you vulnerable, and responsible, and older and tired and skint.

On balance, I'd say it isn't worth it.

I stopped at one child for this very reason. I'm not a natural mother and I never realised how much of an introvert I was. I hate noise, arguing, defiance and being responsible for someone else's needs all the time.

I regularly congratulate myself for at least having the sense to stop at one. I've made some bad decisions in my life, but not that one.

I try so hard to be a good mum and I have a lovely bond with my son, but there does seem to be an element of fakery in it all.

Now that he's started school, things are better but 0-5 nearly finished me off.

My husband and I were together for 12yrs before we had our son. I kept putting it off because I really wasn't sure I wanted any. However, finally fell into the trap of thinking 'but what if I regret it' so I had one.....

My son is also a real fire cracker type personality. That in itself poses a huge challenge (he does also have wonderful traits!). I have friends with very laid back, compliant children and I often think, I would have enjoyed parenthood far more if I'd had that type of personality.

I would say for anyone on the fence about having kids, if you decide to go for it, then just stop at one!

It is a form of brainwashing except to themselves. I doubt even they fully believe it. Certainly nobody listening or reading such rubbish believes them.

Why assume people are lying rather than feel differently to you? For a lot of people, women and men, children bring extraordinary happiness and life wouldn’t have been the same without them. Every parent was childfree once so they know what they’re comparing.

Honestly, no. I love my DC unconditionally and would die for them in a heartbeat but I find it all so incredibly hard. Of course I knew it would be hard but everyone tells you "it's worth it". Well, maybe this makes me a terrible person but for me the years of mental and physical exhaustion, the relentlessness and repetition, the constant worry, the guilt and the loss of freedom just don't feel "worth it". There are some lovely moments. But they are just moments and everything else is such a slog. I feel like I'm wishing away the best years of my life and if it wasn't for MN I'd probably think I was the only Mum in the world who feels like this because nobody talks about it IRL.

@AnuvvaMuvva kids made YOU a better person.

Absolutely. We have one, we'd hope for a second and even a third but I think we've left it too late.
If we could have our same child but earlier I 200% would

I think most people you ask who have kids will say it’s amazing and most people childfree by choice will also say their lives are better that way. Firstly none of us can tell you what the alternative would’ve been like

Well, people who have kids can, because they know what having kids is like and they know what the child-free life is like.

Absolutely I would.

BUT

You need to be a person who is ready to be unselfish. You have to WANT to put someone else's needs first. You need to be ready to accept that there might be things about your life that have to change for a few years.

I think it can be a massive slog, but it also doesn't have to be. Like anything in life it's almost certainly easier if you are better off, money buys choices - childcare & babysitters to give you a mental break, separate bedrooms so that the poor sleeper doesn't disturb the better sleeper etc.

Yes I would. I’m glad we enjoyed life a bit first though. Sometimes I think we didn’t do enough before kids but then I remember that we did have some amazing holidays, lazy weekends, lots of dinners out.. actually we did ok.
Life is very different now. Good different, but I do sometimes miss it.

I never wanted kids growing up but now I have 4 and as much as I love them all I would just have 2 if I had my time again and start abit later in life.

It is a form of brainwashing except to themselves. I doubt even they fully believe it. Certainly nobody listening or reading such rubbish believes them.

Is it bollocks. I genuinely have never felt love like it. It's not like the deep love I had for my late husband. Love for your children is something else (for the vast majority of parents)
Yes, it's foolish to say that it's not possible to have a fulfilled and happy life without kids, but to say that those who feel fulfilled in a different and joyous way, and who are feeling a whole different sort of love, are brainwashed or lying, is..well, weird.

Yes as a pp said - completely overrated is how I feel about it. I always wanted them because my mum always said we were the very best thing to ever happen to her, life wasn't complete without us, no love like it etc. etc. she was/is a wonderful mother and I just assumed I'd love it just as much as she did and never analyzed it further. Well it turns out I'm not my mother

She came from a very absusive background. Forced to leave school at 14 to work, her dad had alcohol issues and there was domestic violence... Due to the trauma ALL she wanted was a happy family unit. Her only real ambition in life was to show and receive love because she had been deprived of it. I understand now why having children was everything to her - she was seeking a basic need - but as I grew up in completely different circumstances my expectations are very different and I'm not so easily pleased with my DC!