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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask, if you had your time again, would you have kids?

416 replies

UndecidedOne · 02/02/2020 22:32

My husband and I don't have kids yet (he's 32 and I'm 27). We have bought a bigger house in preparation for starting a family, but I'm just not sure if I want kids or not. So would you have kids again if you could start over? And what do you like and dislike about being a parent?

OP posts:
itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 03/02/2020 07:55

Yes but I'd have started a family younger

EmrysAtticus · 03/02/2020 07:56

Definitely. My DS brings such joy to my life. For me personally a child free life would have been horrible (please note I am only talking about myself here). DS is my world, we have the absolute best times together. Yes I can no longer do a lot of the stuff I did before I had him but the stuff I do with him is so much more fun.

One thing I have noticed is that unless you have a lot of family support generally people seem to find it a lot easier and more enjoyable with one. DS is 4 now and he is an absolute doddle.

ByeFeliciaa · 03/02/2020 08:00

@muddypuddles12 for me,

ByeFeliciaa · 03/02/2020 08:09

@muddypuddles12 sorry pressed post!
I had my first child quite young, his "father" became violent soon after he was born.
I then had another with somebody else but I couldn't bond with the child (I didn't realise I was in the thick of PND and PTSD) another child after contraception failed (still in the thick of PND)
I hated life every single day. I couldn't BF so it made me feel even more guilty and more of a failure.
My youngest is 18m and its just dawned on me how much I've missed out. How I haven't slept more than 6 hours in about 4 years.
Every day is just gruelling, its relentless, there's no thank you for the shit you go through day in day out. I knew raising kids was hard but if I had an incline it would be like this, I wouldn't have any.
I see people at 25(my age) going off to Bali, buying fancy houses and cars and I wish that was me. Sure I could take my children abroad but it's not the same, they don't sleep or eat. Heat would be a nightmare. Doesn't seem worth spending 3 grand on going away just to be miserable.
I am counting the days until my children are all in primary school, I do not weep for the days they were small.

onionandsage · 03/02/2020 08:10

DS is 4 now and he is an absolute doddle.

It’s good to hear this. I’m pregnant with my first and have read hundreds of posts from people saying how incredibly difficult and hard it is. It’s made me really question what I’m letting myself in for.

Slightly off topic perhaps, but I wonder if people from previous generations found it as tough as people seem to today. I feel like in my grandparents’ era, kids slotted into adults’ lives a lot more, whereas today it seems to be the other way round. There’s so much pressure to be the “perfect parent” now. Or maybe I’m just imagining it.

MsChatterbox · 03/02/2020 08:15

Definitely. My son is the best thing in my life.

CharlotteMD · 03/02/2020 08:16

I love my kids , of course , but they're not the reason I get out of bed , they don't complete me or give my life meaning - they're just kids. Would I do it all over again ? . Difficult question to answer , all I know is I could have led a full and rewarding life child free. A large proportion my my friends do.

lowlandLucky · 03/02/2020 08:22

Children are lovely but when they become adults it is one thing after another, i wouldnt do it again

muddypuddles12 · 03/02/2020 08:24

@ByeFeliciaa - I'm so sorry to hear that, I think it's fair to say you've had a pretty gruelling couple of years. But if we're to play devils advocate - do you think if you'd had your children at a different time / in different circumstances you'd still feel the same way?

From reading this thread, it seems a fair amount of people who are saying they wish they hadn't done it, have followed up by saying they feel like they've missed out on certain things as a result of having children. I can relate to that, as even though I started having children at 31, there are certainly things I underestimated that I'd miss. By the time I got pregnant I felt like had many years of fun before meeting my DH at 27, we travelled the world together, enjoyed being financially free with lots of time and little responsibility, and by the time we decided to start a family I felt like I'd had my fun. But even so, there are many aspects of my old life.

With that being said, would I change having children? Not in a million years. Yes I loved my old life, but I love my new life WAY more. I guess what this thread essentially tells you, is that everyone wants something different from their life, and that's ok.

Satsuma2 · 03/02/2020 08:27

No. I love them dearly but in another life I would make sure I never got pregnant.

PooWillyBumBum · 03/02/2020 08:28

Probably not. I’m not sure. There’s lots about childfree life I really miss.

CharlotteMD · 03/02/2020 08:29

And be careful. They grow up and leave home. My sister's eldest left uni and went to Australia - she hasn't seen or heard from him since and if she didn't make the effort with her daughters she wouldn't hear from them from one week to the next. And Fern Britton sited empty nest as a contributing factor in her marriage split.

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/02/2020 08:31

Knowing what I know now about money and the environment I'd limit myself to 1 or 2. I love being a parent, and grandchildren are even better.

Not having children is a very legitimate choice though and I hope if you make that decision you don't feel pressure from family to change your mind.

Collision · 03/02/2020 08:33

No I wouldn’t.

Mine are 17 and 15 now.

CinderEmma · 03/02/2020 08:33

Yes I'd have kids. In fact I'd have more.

ByeFeliciaa · 03/02/2020 08:34

@muddypuddles12 even if I had them some years later and more spaced out? Hmm my head says no I still wouldn't have them but I'm only going off my current circumstances.
Knowing this is my life for the next 18 years is simply depressing. I don't know how I'm going to have the energy or the patience.
I would be a million times happier if I stayed childfree. Sounds brutal I know Sad
The odd times I've managed to be free of all 3 children, omfg the peace! I can eat a hot meal! I can run over to the shop and not think twice about it! I can leave the house without a pram! It feels so free and liberating and then their back and it all comes crashing down Sad

VettiyaIruken · 03/02/2020 08:37

Absolutely. But I wouldn't have them so young (mid 20s) and I would have built up much more savings first!

Iloveplacentas · 03/02/2020 08:41

Yes but I would have stopped at 2. Number 3 was twins and 4 kids is really unmanageable for me and has seriously affected our quality of life and my time with my older two.

jeanne16 · 03/02/2020 08:47

I love my 2 adult children enormously but I’m not sure I’d have children if I had my time again. Although they both appear successful and stable (good unis, good jobs etc) and I am very proud of them, I feel like I only get included in their lives when something stressful happens.

They both pretty much ignore me until something goes wrong or they need something. In fact it has reached the point where it is almost better having no contact with them as the alternative is being involved in a horrible, stressful situation?

It seems to me I get all the negatives and none of the positives.

missmouse101 · 03/02/2020 08:54

NO way. I really believe children are overrated. Mine are 19 and 16 and it has been extremely difficult for many reasons and my husband and I are shells of our former selves. Besides which, the planet does not need more people.

EmrysAtticus · 03/02/2020 08:57

Congratulations onion :) I did find the first year hard (PND, Colic, Reflux and no support network) but since he could walk he has been easy peasy and life is wonderful.

Saffie99 · 03/02/2020 08:58

This is so interesting. My husband and I are mid-30s, currently childfree and trying to decide whether to take the plunge.

@missmouse101 can I ask why you've found having children is overrated? This is my biggest fear about having them.

Antihop · 03/02/2020 09:02

I have never regretted having my child. I wish I could have had more. I love being a parent. The only thing I don't like is juggling parenting with working fulltime.

Dp and I have been together since our late 20s. It was nice to have some years just thr two of us, having fun, building our careers. We were emotionally ready by our mid early 30s. Due to financial issues we weren't in an financial position to try until I was 36. I'd love to have had another, but we couldn't afford to until recently. I'm 42 now and ttc. I wish I could have afforded to try sooner, as I know my chances are diminished now.

Millettmum · 03/02/2020 09:03

Talking from a recently bereaved parent the life without my child is unbearable, I would do anything to have her back. Can't believe the comments saying no, how would they feel being in my shoes? After 13 years she is now gone and if it weren't for me being pregnant (and an extremely supportive husband) I don't know how I would go on. Wish I had more children sooner. I didn't really like other children but the love you have for your own children is something else. Had my daughter at 20 and included her with everything so didn't have to lead a separate life etc. Was a single mum with her most of her life as her dad turned into an alcoholic (I only wish he would have disappeared) but she was amazing throughout.

cptartapp · 03/02/2020 09:06

Yes I would. And they're teens now and all that entails.
Consider though, if your relationship fails you will most likely be left with them. Men very rarely want 50/50. You will be the one doing the day to day stuff and likely taking the career and pension hit.