To ask, if you had your time again, would you have kids?

[UndecidedOne]

My husband and I don't have kids yet (he's 32 and I'm 27). We have bought a bigger house in preparation for starting a family, but I'm just not sure if I want kids or not. So would you have kids again if you could start over? And what do you like and dislike about being a parent?

100% yes. I did have a burning desire for them both, though they weren’t/aren’t my only major life wish.

Mine are currently 8 and 2. I have found it harder in some places than I expected, easier than expected in others. For me it has been a transformative experience, they’ve taught me far more about myself (good and bad!) than therapy, I’ve become kinder to myself and to others... but a lot of that will also be simply because I am now 8 years older than pre-kids me.

I derive a great deal of fulfilment from having my children. I don’t doubt I could also have found just as much fulfilment from a non-kids lifestyle, and I am definitely aware of lots of things I’d love to do but just can’t (some just for now, but for some I may never again get the chance) due to having to prioritise other things with my time/money.

Personally I think no one should have children unless they are absolutely sure they want them. The planet is already overpopulated so why have children unless you are sure you want them?

Over the years I have moved around a lot in the UK and abroad and met lots of people. So many of them have said although they love their children, if they could go back in time they would not have any.

Probably the majority of people I know or have met are divorced (some more than once or even twice) and most say the problems started when they had children. I would think children are probably the main cause of marriage/relationship breakdown.

It's not just woman (or men) with young children either. Most of my friends now have grown up children, some even have grandchildren and they still say they wouldn't have any. Children don't stop being a worry or causing grief just because they are grown up and, often, grandchildren are also a worry.

Me and DH decided to remain child free and have never ever regretted it. We have a very happy loving marriage of 40 years.

I think it is better to regret not having children than having them. Having said that, none of my child free by choice friends seem to regret in the slightest their choice.

If you have a happy marriage I really would not spoil it if neither of you feel sure about children

100% yes my two have been the making of me and I am braver, happier and bursting with pride and love.

But I give my all for them and its exhausting and sometimes relentless. I have managed to get a part time job in the career I love and need to spend time with my friends and take time to myself too. It's a constant balance and juggle but ultimately their needs come first.

My parents had two friends who were happily child free, until their 60s, at which point their enthusiasm for constant travel was waning. One had to working for health reasons, the other was made redundant and at that age was pretty unhireable. Without jobs & travel, they found they missed the grandchildren their friends had to fill the vacuum. They are also terrified about having no one to look out for them in old age.

This won't be true of everyone but can be true for some.

If I had my time again I'd have children younger. I'm now 45 and having a tough time with the perimenopause whilst looking after a 9 year old and 7 year old. I realise I'll be menopausal when my daughter's a teenager. Not looking forward to that! I don't know - I just feel you're better equipped to deal with kids, physically and mentally, if you have them younger. Also it means you have more time with any future grandchildren (not that I mind if my kids choose not to have children).

Absolutely, I've never experienced the kind of joy that my children bring me anywhere else.
It's hard work, the sense of responsibility can be almost overwhelming sometimes, but they are amazing and for the most part I just feel so lucky to have them in my life.
Would have started a few years earlier tho!

Also, I like having legitimate reasons to re-read favourite childhood books, play with Lego, and watch Horrible Histories!

I have 3, I'd have 4 if I could do it again.
But I have a job where I can work from home and my husband does his share. In different circumstances I might have a different answer.

My son is an independent adult and I am very proud of him. He is a home owner with a great degree and career. I can’t imagine life without him.
If I was in my 20’s now though, would I have children? Emphatically no. I wouldn’t have a child now who will have to face the massive problems climate change is bringing to our door.

Yes. I have been a single 18 year old parent. I was alone with my first for nearly 4 years, then introduced dp, eventually we had my second ds and he was a night mare baby. I went through hell and back with pnd. I would still do it again.
I could happily have lived a life without children, and completely get why people decide not to have them though.

OP I’d suggest searching for previous threads on this topic. I’ve been surprised to see that the vast majority of responses here are positive - usually responses to this question are much more mixed, sometimes even majority negative.

I think it depends on the age of the children of those whom you are asking.

When they are adorable newborn babies and everyone is interested in you, your health, their milestones and the baby smiles and adores you - yes, it's worth it.

When they are toddlers to about nine, you can't turn your back or sit down or watch TV or have an unbroken night and you fear your brain has turned to Minecraft mush - maybe not.

When they are nine to teenage, thoughtful and good to chat to, you have a little more freedom and they are mostly still biddable and think you are god - it's great again.

When they are teenagers to early twenties, think they know it all and rule the roost, you are inconvenient hangers-on who stop them having fun and they keep you up all night either waiting for them to ring and need a lift, waiting for them to get home safely, or just banging and crashing in the kitchen making toasted sandwiches at three a m - yeah, no.

When they are adult and have left home and you go round and visit their lovely houses and they buy you wonderful thoughtful presents and help you move that heavy furniture and cut the lawn - best thing in the world!

So, yeah. Depends.

100% . My kids are 4.5 and 7 and I love being a parent. I wish I had had another but that ship has sailed for various reasons.

I really don't know. I love my kids immensely but I do think you only hear the good things about parenthood. I wish I had known more about the sleepless nights (which lasted years), the complete destruction of my body (from pregnancy), the toll being a parent can take on your mental health, the mess, the cost, school issues, noise etc.

My kids are older now but when they were little I absolutely hated being a parent and longed for my old life. It's much nicer now that they are in their teens as they are much more independent and I can have proper conversations with them but I do think if I had my time again I could have also done a lot of things that having kids has stopped me doing.

So, the answer is, I'm not sure.

I would think children are probably the main cause of marriage/relationship breakdown. I think if you look a little closer you'll see that it's not the children per se but patriarchy/sexism that causes this - children are just the catalyst that makes it the inequality glaringly obvious and so builds resentment etc. that you wouldn't have seen if you'd never had DC - just my theory anyway!

Yes. I'd have started earlier! Had my DD at 31 followed by 2x MC.

I'm 37 and 15 weeks pregnant with my second. My first is 20 years old and we basically grew up together.
He's at uni now and has his own business. I am SO proud of him and it's a wonderful feeling to know he's mine and that we're always going to be there for each other.

If anyone had asked me 5 years ago if I'd have another baby I'd have bet my life I wouldn't. But now I'm really excited to do it all again and can't wait to experience motherhood at this time of my life.

Absolutely would have mine if I could go back and I'm not especially maternal either.

Yes!!! I have 3, and grew up as one of 3 and I'm sooo grateful for my siblings and see that same wonderful relationship in my lot, they're awesome!!
I had them very young, and actually I probably wouldn't change that, it was hard but I'm now 41 with a grandchild, go on holiday several times a year, fit n healthy to keep up with them all etc, life's great and better cos they're in it.
Plus, one of them is unbelievably and exceptionally talented in music and acting and has just landed a huge role so hopefully he'll look after me in a much washed early retirement one day!

Yes, but.i would do a lot of things differently to make life better/easier for us all.

You're 27, so please don't worry about this.

I'm 31, and I know that I'm not quite there. Looking back at the four years since I was 27, I'm hugely grateful for that time. I've done so many things that I wouldn't with kids.

At 27, I would have said I wanted 2-3 kids, because kids were just an abstract. Now I know a lot more about what having kids is like, and I've revised that down to 1-2 (twins run in the family, so could well be either).

I've done a lot of travelling, I've naturally mellowed to fairly mundane weekends anyway, we've both got a lot of savings.

In my relationship, kids are a wildcard. Both of us are allowed to express our feelings, change our minds and accept that it's not the other person's fault, or their responsibility to provide the other person with the family they want. We just have to agree on what we do want together.

Yes every time, and I’d have them sooner, and more of them.

No.

Only if I got the same ones again. If I was guaranteed the same ones, without question.

@Zaphodsotherhead

That's your experience, could not be more different to mine. Teenage and early twenties has been favourite age to parent by a long way. We have so much in common and do did together, while i also get to do what I want when I want. It's bloody brilliant!

Do stuff together, that should say