being told by other kids that my DD is annoying

[ilovepenguins79]

This week i have had two separate girls (both age 5 and classmates in reception with my DD) come up to me, looking rather pleased with themselves, to tell me that they find my DD annoying due to the way she hugs (around the neck and we are working on this, she's just a bit unaware of personal space).
I was quite taken aback and responded 'thank you for letting me know, we can all be a bit annoying sometimes can't we?'.
DD can get a bit over excited and forgets herself but (and i know i am biased) i couldn't see her going out of her way to speak to her peers parents about anything let alone something like this.

AIBU to be a bit taken aback by this?

Until I drummed it into his head to speak to an adult, ds's response to unwanted physical affection from his peers was to punch and kick until they stopped. I did try teaching him to resolve things himself but too many of his peer group just ignored him asking them to stop (witnessed by me on a few occasions) or followed him repeating the behaviour when he walked away.

My DS2 experienced very similar to this. He hit and scratched a little girl who was repeatedly whispering nasty things in his ear. He certainly shouldn't have hit or scratched her, and was clearly in the wrong, but her behaviour was going completely unnoticed by the class teacher and TA.

That's quite odd. I'd ask to speak to the teacher again tonight to see what she's seen

Similarly, a 5 year old doesn't really have the emotional complexity to be "smug".

Of course they have. The teacher knew exactly who OP meant, she's seen them in action.

As I said before I taught that age group and they can be very, very smug and manipulative, to think otherwise is just daft.

Be glad that they told you and not simply shoved or kicked her.

Smug - having or showing an excessive pride in oneself or one's achievements.

I don't think 5 year olds have the emotional control to not show excessive pride in their achievements, given they are routinely lauded for sticking dried pasta to paper or keeping their pants dry

@WeHaveSnowdrops I agree. My DD will come to me about her DS and will be gleeful that she might be getting them into trouble.

Oh I don't disagree that 5yos can be little shits. It's more that they all have their objectionable sides, and times (the majority!) when their social graces are non-existent. Your 5yo does - and so do these little girls. They are all works in progress and it's not really fair to judge any of them harshly for it. And as for telling takes, sure they can gleefully get others into trouble, but equally we can't have it both ways - either we encourage them to battle it out between themselves, or come and tell a grown-up. If they get told off for hitting or saying 'go away' but also told off for telling tales, what exactly are we hoping they are going to do? Magically display exemplary negotiation skills, sophisticated conflict resolution and an ability to compromise and empathise? They are 5!

Telling *tales

either we encourage them to battle it out between themselves, or come and tell a grown-up it isn't an either/or. The middle ground is to teach them to deal with things as well as having the safety net of someone to talk to. We can't go through life reporting every time we feel hurt or uncomfortable - learning resilience, ways of dealing with things assertively, sometimes changing a situation by changing how we act ourselves, sometimes just walking away and letting it go. There isn't just one way to deal with things and not everything should be reported. The 70s style of letting them sort it out amongst themselves isn't good. A child feeling they can talk about whatever bothers them is good. But in terms of learning behaviour, teaching them many skills in relation to dealing with others is good too.

Telling them to tell the teacher if a child is being annoying them might be better here than announcing it to the OP.

We know some people in France, and a new boy joined an 8 year old's class there and started hit and kicked him every single day and when the parents spoke to the teacher the teacher said "We know, [the new boy] is doing it to everyone, we think he has psychological problems. If it happens again tell your dc to thump him back."

True story

Of course there's a middle ground. But it's not surprising if they haven't quite worked out what that is yet - being 5! Being taken aback at a 5yo not knowing the socially appropriate way of behaving is the issue here. Of course they don't know, they are 5. Just like the OPs daughter giving strangulation-hugs. None of them will be behaving (quite) like this at 15!

There is a boy in my DCs' school who does this. I hate it. My DCs hate it. It is inappropriate.

You are being to sensitive. Its about annoying behaviours, no one is an annoying person. It’s all about realising behaviours that annoy other people and learn to stop doing them. It’s an important life skill which everyone has to learn. My own son went through a phase of annoying everyone by repeating the same song over and over again. As soon as he learnt to stop the annoying behaviour he had more friends and was overall happier.

She hasn't exactly insulted them worra

My kids all seemed to hit 15 and start hugging everyone in sight.

My kids all seemed to hit 15 and start hugging everyone in sight

Yup

Although, in relation to this thread, that does seem to be mutual and they all have big open armed approaches with nobody being grabbed round the neck.

""We know, [the new boy] is doing it to everyone, we think he has psychological problems. If it happens again tell your dc to thump him back."
True story"

That pretty much sums up the French education system (having endured it myself!). I was going to add a grin but actually it isn't that funny really!

Are there a lot of boys in the class? My dd2 was in primary with seven girls and 20 boys - a couple of the girls would have been happy to report issues to parents. Hugging my dd2 would have been dangerous as she was a nit magnet.
The fifteen year old huggers were more likely to pass on glandular fever I suppose.

Nothing wrong with what the children did. It's better they tell you, rather than exclude your daughter because they can't stand to be around her.

5 year olds are well capable of being smug when telling tales.

I recall seeing just such a child march over to a mother I was chatting with and inform her that her DD was "very mean because she won't share her lunch with me".

She got short shrift from the mother, who told her that she "doesn't have to share her lunch if she didn't want to"

Not quite the response she was hoping for!

@Smilebehappy123 It's never too early to teach boundaries.

If you have 7 in a class you have probably just come across the precocious private school syndrome, no?
Next time say ,"Oh, did you tell the teacher? You must tell her straight away next time as we can't really sort anything out at the end of the day can we. Bye now!"

SE13Mummy Mon 03-Feb-20 00:14:56
YANBU for being taken aback by this, I'm sure plenty of us would be in that situation. Your response to the girls sounded calm and reasonable; they will have felt listened to and will hopefully continue to have the confidence to let adults know if something is making them uncomfortable/hurting them.
...........
Very good post.

The children who came to tell you (if it is true and they are not just being nasty, I would think 5 year olds wouldn't have learned exactly how to cause trouble), may have appeared 'smug', or one of them, but it took courage to speak up and she probably put on a grown up face and voice.

PS: Are you really a Lewisham girl?