Upset BF went to see family

[SummerBreeze1980]

Namechanged.

My boyfriend and I have just had a silly argument. Resolved and all ok but still thinking each other is right.

I had an afternoon to myself today as my DC were with their dad. My boyfriend and I planned to spend it together. He arrived at midday and I was expecting him to stay until the DC came back at 5. At 2.30pm he phoned his DM and she told him her DD and GC were coming over (his sister, neice or nephew). He then decided he wanted to go over too and would leave mine at 3pm.

The reason I was upset was I won't see him again for 3 weeks (my next free afternoon) and he can visit his family anytime during the week and had seen his DM and DS during the week for a whole day and his DM a few other times in the week too. His argument was why shouldn't he be able to see his family and he had already seen me today and spent 3 hours with me.

AIBU to be upset he cut our afternoon short to visit family?

Why are you even on social services radar? How do they know about your Bf, his diagnosis, and medication ? My children and I have suffered abuse from my exH but SS say it doesn't meet the threshold for them to be involved so there must be a very good reason for them to know about your bf.

@BercowsFlyingFlamingo

Social services don’t only deal with child protection cases.

They also support families if children have additional support needs or disabilities. There are different types of social worker.

@TinyGhostWriter true, and a good point. However, I'm still not sure why a child protection conference would be called like the OP claims. It seems very OTT.
OP, can you explain why he is a risk until his meds are titrated correctly?

I don’t know why so many posters are obsessing over and expecting the OP to share so many details about why she doesn’t want to have her DP more involved in her DCs lives.

She’s explained that her DP has a severe mental illness and isn’t yet stable on his meds. She’s explained that her DS has autism, struggles with change and is also going through a tough time. Surely not wanting to cause additional stress or disruption for either her DP or her DS is a commendable thing. For a child having a parents new partner move in is a huge change, for a childless adult moving into a household with children is a huge change, neither should be taken lightly and I think it’s very sensible not to be wanting to add those stresses to either DP or DC if they’re already struggling in other areas.

we met at work

About a year ago BF was diagnosed with a serious mental illness.

I can't see how you think living together would be possible? He can't be around the children alone, Social Services would go mad

Social Services would come down on me like a tonne of bricks

I work in this field

Was/is he your patient op?

@BercowsFlyingFlamingo - my DS is on a child in need plan for his SEN and mental health. Once he went on this everything was scrutinised - anyone that had any contact with him atall. They did a background check on my BF. It wasn't because they suspected my BF of anything it was purely because my DS is on the plan.

@BercowsFlyingFlamingo - if I don't follow the advice laid out in the CIN plan the next step is Child protection conference - it's unlikely anything would come of that but still not an experience I want to go through. Not OTT - just the way they do it.

Why is he at risk if meds aren't titrated correctly? So at this point he is not recieving the thetapeutic dose - the drug will not be doing what we want it to do - it will not be treating the symptom. With out going into to much detail that could mean some problematic behaviour which could carry risk.

@MyNewBearTotoro - thank you - that is exactly how I feel.

@ZeroFuchsGiven - no he was not my patient!! I would be sacked if so!! We have been together over 2 years. He's been unwell for about a year.

Why are you with a man who is a danger to your children?

The why’s and wherefore’s are irrelevant here, the fact is that SS consider him to be a danger to your children so why are you with him?

It doesn’t matter whether it’s about his mental health or his medication. all that matters is that he’s a danger to your children.

I can’t believe you would stay with a man like that. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to live with him but actually, being told that a man is a danger to your children, for whatever reason, should be an instant dealbreaker, even if that danger stems from mental illness.

@Allheart1 - he is not considered a danger to my children. If he was he would be allowed no where near them and if I wouldn't protect them by splitting up with him it would move to child protection conference. Obviously that isn't the case as he is allowed around them and my relationship is supported. Having a mental illness does not mean you are a danger to others!!

Obviously if he was a danger I wouldn't be with him!

Pretty sure you mentioned safety or danger in one of your posts.

ASD and mental health issues in a child don't usually result in a CIN plan. Otherwise a large proportion of children would be on one.

There's more to this than you are saying. You don't need to disclose everything but obviously no one can give advice based on only knowing some of the details.

Personally, if you have a child with such significant needs to warrant a CIN plan then I'm not sure this is the right time to be pursuing a relationship, especially one with someone who has significant needs himself. Your posts state how much emotional, mental and physical energy and time you are giving to support him. Maybe you'd be better to give all that time and support to your son. If SS would go nuts then there's a very good reason and you know that.

I hope your son is soon in a better place mentally.

OP either you’re not being honest here or you’re in denial.

At the end of the day this man is allowed supervised access to your children only. This means that he is considered to be unsafe around your children.

You have been told by social services that if you move this man into your home then a child protection conference would result. This means the man is considered to be unsafe around your children.

SS did a background check. AFAIK they don’t check what medication someone is on, they check for previous history of violence. He failed the background check from what you say - why?

If you’d been living together at the time social services became involved would they have told you he had to move out? Because that tells you all you need to know about the kind of person he is, regardless of whether it’s his MH which have made him that person.

Staying with a man who is a danger to your children and considered to be so by SS to the extent they have threatened you with child protection and insisted on supervised contact only is grossly irresponsible.

You should be putting your children first. It’s unfortunate if he’s severely mentally ill but you can’t take that on. You need to prioritise your children here.

@BercowsFlyingFlamingo - I mentioned risk and stability not danger. Do you honestly think SS would allow a man around children if there was a danger to them??
I have no idea about other children but yes, Social services are involved. Surely you must understand all situations are different. He meets the criteria for CIN. And it has been incredibly helpful to get support for his mental health as I was really struggling. He's not a priority case and I'm sure the case will be closed soon as we only see the SW about every 6 weeks. But they are still trying to sort certain things out. Of course my BF being unwell was on their radar as well as other issues in my life (financial). But I just posted about an argument with my BF didn't expect to need to go into the ins and outs of my whole life! If you think I'm lying - up to you. As a random on the internet it doesn't really bother me. It amazes me how so many people on the internet think they're experts about stuff when they clearly know very little!

@AllHeart1 - first I'm prioritizing my children too much and now too little! 😂

He is not considered unsafe around the children. Do you seriously think SS would allow an unrelated man around children when he is considered a danger?? If you do you're delusional! I have not been told we would go to CP conference if we move in together as we have no plans to move in together - despite many posters suggesting we should move in together! Which you would know if you RTFT.

A background check is not a pass/fail test and does not only look at violence. However due to it I know he has no history of violence. The background check picked up his mental illness and due to this they carried out a full risk assessment. This showed he was of no risk (no danger/not unsafe) to the children. We do discuss things like meds at the meetings and as my BF was having one of his meds changed it was agreed as a precaution that he should not be alone with the children until it is sorted. Again - this does not mean he is a danger - it just means due to the meds he may be extra-tired for example and not be on top form for looking after children - it wouldn't be fair to him or the DC.

If we'd been living together no they wouldn't have told him to move out. You do know there are many, many mothers and fathers with SMI looking after their children everyday?

I'm sorry but this is all in your head. SS have categorically told me he is not a danger to the children. They have not threatened me with child protection and have not insisted on 'supervised contact' (that means something very different).

As stated on here my children come first (and I've been ripped to shreds for it). Having a relationship is healthy and normal but in no way means my DC aren't my priority! (Again RTFT!). I think you need to learn to read in context and not just pick out words and run with them! Stigma against mental illness is alive and well, I see and why so many people who have been mentally unwell are so isolated. They are normal people - they have relationships, they have DC and they have treatment and recover!