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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset BF went to see family

165 replies

SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 17:35

Namechanged.

My boyfriend and I have just had a silly argument. Resolved and all ok but still thinking each other is right.

I had an afternoon to myself today as my DC were with their dad. My boyfriend and I planned to spend it together. He arrived at midday and I was expecting him to stay until the DC came back at 5. At 2.30pm he phoned his DM and she told him her DD and GC were coming over (his sister, neice or nephew). He then decided he wanted to go over too and would leave mine at 3pm.

The reason I was upset was I won't see him again for 3 weeks (my next free afternoon) and he can visit his family anytime during the week and had seen his DM and DS during the week for a whole day and his DM a few other times in the week too. His argument was why shouldn't he be able to see his family and he had already seen me today and spent 3 hours with me.

AIBU to be upset he cut our afternoon short to visit family?

OP posts:
SevenStones · 02/02/2020 21:12

Yes, I know not seeing each other for three weeks isn't the norm, OP. But my point is that I wouldn't let this happen in a two-year relationship I thought was going somewhere.

Yes, it's rude to suddenly make other plans but maybe he's just fed up that after two years he still has to get lost when the kids come back from their dad's. Why couldn't he stay for tea? Why can't you, your kids and bf spend the evening together and he goes home later on?

QuiteForgetful · 02/02/2020 21:18

It is what it is. If he often left early I may begin to wonder about the reason for that, but if this is not his usual way, I would try to just accept he wanted to be with them that day. You do not seem to spend much time together, he may need more than you are able to offer at this time in your life. And to be fair, he has been understanding regarding your time with your children, and feels you are worth all of the dateless nights and week-ends when he can't see you.

TheSoapyFrog · 02/02/2020 21:20

Regardless of the way you're both conducting your relationship, I do think it was wrong of him to cut short your time together when you had made plans. He was going to leave at 5 anyway and could have gone to see his family then. It would get me wondering though why he would be so willing to blow you out when you have such little time together.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 02/02/2020 21:30

What was the silly argument about?

If I have an unresolved argument I often need to get away to think over what's been said. Did he need to have a bit of space to do that?

monkeymonkey2010 · 02/02/2020 21:30

It's up to you when you feel comfortable involving your DC in the relationship.

He's not going to see you for 3 weeks - and he decided to cut short his time with you to see people he can see anytime.

Kinda says it all about how he feels.

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 21:36

@SevenStones - we already had a main meal that I cooked us and the DC were fed at their dad's. When they got back I needed to be able to settle my DS which wouldn't have happened with DBF here. If it wasn't a Sunday it could have been different. I phoned DBF as soon as DS was settled.
@QuiteForgetful - he has been understanding, yes. We see each other during the week, though. I'm more keen on date nights than him, though. He's an early riser and I'm more a night owl.
@TheSoapyfrog - I think he was just restless today.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 21:50

@MyShinyWhiteTeeth - the argument was just about him cutting our plans short.

I feel like maybe we both need a break to think about where this is going. The truth is I was never looking for a relationship as life is complicated enough already. I told him this but he pursued me. We fell in love and have generally been very happy. I think it has just been quite hard lately and we're both feeling a bit miserable about it.

OP posts:
BecauseReasons · 02/02/2020 21:52

Tbh, I don't think you're moving glacially. It depends on your endgame for this relationship, I suppose, but I only know one couple that was engaged inside two years and they called off the wedding in the end. I know two couples who are at the five year mark and still don't live together- they're happy to stay individually housed for the rest of their time together and don't have a picket-fence as a goal. I think you're approaching things rather well, and applaud you putting your children first.

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 21:54

@BecauseReasons - thank you for understanding Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 21:57

@BecauseReasons - and I also know of other couples who have lived apart for many years/indefinately. I'm not in a hurry - I think that would be disastrous for my DC and my relationship.

OP posts:
Paintedmaypole · 02/02/2020 22:17

I think it is better to be cautious about involving a new partner in your childrens' lives than to be hasty but you have known each other for a while now. If you both want the relationship on the present terms and are happy that's fine but I do wonder whether you are both wanting the same thing at this stage. Do you think this was a one off occurrence or that he is either losing interest or fed up with the way things are? Do you talk to each other about the future at all?

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 22:21

@Paintedmaypole - he may be a bit fed up but hasn't said he is. Yes, we talk about the future.In a few months logistics mean we will have more time together, hopefully. We would love to live together eventually but aren't in a rush.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 02/02/2020 22:35

Did you have sex before he left?

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 22:48

@GreenTulips - erm, yes.

The thing is I was very honest with him at the beginning of our relationship that my DC were my priority and took a lot of my time. I told him clearly I would not be ready to move into living together etc for a long time and what would need to be in place - what I wanted from a relationship. He also was not ready to move fast, either. It has worked, mostly. Just think he was in a funny mood. I still think he shouldn't have cut our plans short but in the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 03/02/2020 10:54

So we've had a chat and I did suggest we take a break for a few weeks but he was very against it. So we talked about making some compromise to have time to see each other in the next 3 weeks. We have arranged 2 lunch dates. One is after a big meeting that I know will be very stressful so I had wanted to just go home to process/make notes/plans etc - but will now meet my BF for lunch. The other is happening as he is going to come up to my work and take me for lunch. So, feels positive.

MASSIVE DRIPFEED
I didn't mention this before as I somehow felt 'disloyal' to my BF but realise it would have made more sense if I did.
About a year ago BF was diagnosed with a serious mental illness. He is recovering and doing well but his medications are still being tweaked. I think if this hadn't happened I would allow him round the DC more - it would have evolved more quickly. This was what I meant by him not being ready to support us. I have given him a massive amount of support, of course but my DC are my priority. Still, it's nice to have adult time without the children to talk, watch adult films (15s, 18s - not porn!), go to the pub, have sex. When we are with the DC things revolve around them and we barely get time to talk!

OP posts:
TheDeep · 03/02/2020 10:59

I don't think he's done anything wrong, the drip feed doesn't really change much.

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 03/02/2020 11:14

@TheDeep - but doesn't it explain why is more complex than just having him around the DC all the time? I still think it is rude to change plans last minute because a better offer came along.

OP posts:
Bibidy · 03/02/2020 11:15

I didn't realise it was so controversial to keep things seperate from my DC at this stage. Plenty of threads people advice others not to involve the DC in a relationship until it is very solid or until you are engaged.

I don't think anyone would advise not involving the children until you're engaged, that's a recipe for disaster. Not only do they have to get their head around the relationship, they've also got to deal with the marriage immediately too.

I would hazard a guess that your boyfriend feels annoyed that he has to dance to your tune and be available for the minimal hours you have free for him. It's mad that he would need to leave at 5 just because your kids are coming back, especially when he's already met them.

Bibidy · 03/02/2020 11:18

I didn't mention this before as I somehow felt 'disloyal' to my BF but realise it would have made more sense if I did.
About a year ago BF was diagnosed with a serious mental illness. He is recovering and doing well but his medications are still being tweaked. I think if this hadn't happened I would allow him round the DC more - it would have evolved more quickly. This was what I meant by him not being ready to support us. I have given him a massive amount of support, of course but my DC are my priority. Still, it's nice to have adult time without the children to talk, watch adult films (15s, 18s - not porn!), go to the pub, have sex.

It doesn't make more sense though.

OK fine, don't move in with him until he's in a better place, but to not see your partner of 2 years for 3 weeks because you will have your kids is not normal. Could he not even come over for dinner a couple of times a week during those 3 weeks?!

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 03/02/2020 11:22

@Bibidy - I'm not saying I agree - just what I read on here.
He doesn't dance to my tune - we just meet up when we're both free. I give him a massive amount of support - rearranging things to go to his appointments, making phone calls, emotional support over the phone. And surely if he's annoyed he should just tell me? Anyway he didn't mimd leaving at 5 - he had other things to do, he knows I need to settle DS and he doesn't feel stable enough to be around the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 03/02/2020 11:28

@Bibidy - just to be clear DS's SW has said he should have very limited contact with the DC right now and not be left alone with them. If I am settling/dealing with DS then DD would be alone with him and as I said DS wpuldn't settle with him there. Please, try and understand it is a complex situation. No it is not 'normal' but our life is far from 'normal'. As I said, though we have arranged 2 lunch dates in the next couple of weeks.

OP posts:
adaline · 03/02/2020 11:30

just to be clear DS's SW has said he should have very limited contact with the DC right now and not be left alone with them.

Is the relationship in general a good idea, if this is the case?

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2020 11:34

You seem to want this all on your terms. This man has done nothing wrong, he say you for three hours, you're kicking off it wasn't five. Not seeing each other for three weeks was due to uour wishes, not his.

You seem to be not so interested in what he needs or wants to do, you seem focused on you having to be his priority if and when you decide. That's not how relationships work. Then to try to bin him off over it doesn't seem very nice at all.

Flexibility, compromise, meeting each other's needs is critical in a successful relationship. It cannot just be about one person, uou.

Ikora · 03/02/2020 11:34

No it doesn’t explain it at all.

Your reaction to him going to see his family is extreme plus as he is unwell maybe cut him a huge amount of slack. You say his condition is serious so unless he is doing something dangerous or destructive he needs to do what he needs to do to manage life.

The man is according to you seriously mentally unwell it’s not a better offer situation maybe it’s something like seeing his Family makes him calmer or he may have some anxiety around them. My Sister has bipolar and her behaviour doesn’t always make sense to me however she does things that make her feel safe. She for instance did manage to come to Mums funeral but couldn’t cope with going for lunch after wards. It was a shame but there was no malice it was just too much for her. She excludes and includes herself in a way that I don’t understand but it’s whatever she needs to feel the most well that’s important.

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 03/02/2020 11:38

@adaline - I'm happy to stick at it for the time being. Our time together is great light relief for us both and he is very helpful and supportive as much as he can. He gets on well with the DC. And there is no reason to believe he will not fully recover.

OP posts: