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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Upset BF went to see family

165 replies

SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 17:35

Namechanged.

My boyfriend and I have just had a silly argument. Resolved and all ok but still thinking each other is right.

I had an afternoon to myself today as my DC were with their dad. My boyfriend and I planned to spend it together. He arrived at midday and I was expecting him to stay until the DC came back at 5. At 2.30pm he phoned his DM and she told him her DD and GC were coming over (his sister, neice or nephew). He then decided he wanted to go over too and would leave mine at 3pm.

The reason I was upset was I won't see him again for 3 weeks (my next free afternoon) and he can visit his family anytime during the week and had seen his DM and DS during the week for a whole day and his DM a few other times in the week too. His argument was why shouldn't he be able to see his family and he had already seen me today and spent 3 hours with me.

AIBU to be upset he cut our afternoon short to visit family?

OP posts:

NameChangeNugget · 02/02/2020 19:38

Don’t sweat the small stuff.

A bit of a non event really

Candyfloss99 · 02/02/2020 19:39

So you think he's to revolve his life around when your ex has the kids? How sad.

SevenStones · 02/02/2020 19:39

I didn't go with him to see family as it would take longer to get there and back than I would have there.

Yet you would have had the whole 5 hours in his company.

Original poster

SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 19:40

@Fishcakey - to see if I'm being unreasonable, obviously!

OP posts:

Lovemusic33 · 02/02/2020 19:41

I understand what your are saying regarding DV and the kids, I’m in a similar situation and I think for this reason I would not be in a relationship, my dc’s are far more important than a relationship. It’s not your DP’s fault that you have experienced DV, if your kids are not ready for you to be in a relationship then maybe it’s best not to be in one?

TinyGhostWriter · 02/02/2020 19:41

If you had plans to go out to the cinema or something- YANBU

If you had no plans- YABU. You could have joined him at his mothers. A 35min journey isn’t that long!

SpaceCadet4000 · 02/02/2020 19:42

If you flip this around to his perspective, he's got a partner that he can only see in specific windows of time, who doesn't want to fully integrate him into her life after 2-years and who isn't being respectful of his need to make choices with his time. I can see why he chose to do what he wanted to in this situation.

Original poster

SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 19:43

@marbu - maybe he isn't as invested as me? I think I make enough time for him. We are only boyfriend/girlfriend not full-on life partners yet

OP posts:

MyNewBearTotoro · 02/02/2020 19:46

Why could you only see him until 5pm? Was he just seeing his family until 5pm or will he have stayed at his DMs for the whole evening? To be honest if you were going to kick him out after a certain time anyway I can see why he decided to go and see his family instead and maybe make an evening of it.

Original poster

SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 19:46

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 - we have plenty of sex
@CakeandCustard28 - we like and love each other a lot. But the DC's needs come first which he is fine with.

I accept I am obviously unreasonable to have been upset today.

OP posts:

Monsterpage · 02/02/2020 19:47

You have said you prioritise your children above him. I think what you are seeing is him prioritising his family above you.
You can’t have it both ways.
If his family give him the love and support he needs as he currently only sees you one afternoon every 2 weeks who can blame him in wanting to spend time with them.
You can’t have your cake and eat it.

Littlewelshridinghood · 02/02/2020 19:47

You can prioritize your children and have a relationship OP. 2 years is a long time to keep him away from your children. Is him that wants to keep your relationship separate?

Dragonembroidery · 02/02/2020 19:47

He's not that into you. Sorry to say but it's true.

My generation often spent years with men who weren't into us. Me included. When you split up suddenly he finds someone he is into and all the barriers he put up to you disappear. These barriers are usually re marriage, kids, lifestyle and appearance and career changes.

Original poster

SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 19:51

@Standrewsschool - I would have loved to see his family but it would have taken longer to get there and back than the time I would have had there.

@Qwerty543 - he knows I'm serious.
@SevenStones - he has met my children. I wouldn't say a casual relationship - probably was for first year but developed since then. I've met all his family and we have spent time together.

OP posts:

Original poster

SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 19:53

@adaline - I often visit his family and am good friends with his DS, DNeice and DNephew.

OP posts:

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 02/02/2020 19:54

Why do you think he preferred to see his family rather than spend more time with you OP? We don’t know the man so are just speculating really.
The way you’ve told it, it does sound like maybe he doesn’t see it as being a proper relationship and is just dropping in on you when he fancies. Maybe the relationship isnt going anywhere and he’s getting bored.
You deny all of this to be the case though and insist he loves you loads etc.
so if you’re secure in the relationship why are you bothered about him seeing his family? You obvs think there’s more to it?

Sirzy · 02/02/2020 19:55

I do wonder if this is one where your actions speak louder than your words. You may be telling him you love him and your commited but then after 2 years he is still be kept very much at arms length which doesn’t send him the same message. Perhaps this is a good point to consider what it is you really want? Do you want a relationship or do you want someone you see for sex when the kids are away?

Original poster

SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 19:57

@Lovemusic33 - perhaps. But he has met the DC. It's not so much there being anything wrong with him being around them but they need a lot of time with me at the moment. Things were difficult with their dad and my eldest is autistic with its only challenges.

OP posts:

Mummy0ftwo12 · 02/02/2020 19:57

Sorry OP but i don't think it bodes well, he would rather spend time elsewhere than together in the few spare hours you have.

Maybe you need to reflect.

Original poster

SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 20:00

@Sirzy - that may be the case with most people or most children but we have our individual circumstance. I don't want to go into it too much but it would not be good for the DC to be around him beyond what we do now.

OP posts:

gobbynorthernbird · 02/02/2020 20:00

Fuck me, there are tectonic plates that move faster.
Anyway, YABU. You can't commit such little time and expect it all to go your way.

FizzyIce · 02/02/2020 20:02

2 years and it’s like this ? There’s slow and then there’s backwards .
He has every right to go and see his family just like you cut time short when you have your family , it’s the same thing

Sirzy · 02/02/2020 20:03

Then that’s fine but you need to be realistic about your expectations. You can’t expect him to always be there when you want if you keep him at arms length the rest of the time.

Your in a position where at the moment you can’t commit to a relationship which is fine but you can’t get upset when that works both ways

R2519 · 02/02/2020 20:03

@SummerBreeze1980. So a guys perspective for what it’s worth. 2 years is a long time to invest in a person so I definitely think he is keen. That said, whilst I completely understand your putting yourDC first, as it should be, that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t form part of that picture, unless you’re not telling us something.

I would suspect he is saying he’s ok with being kept separate from your kids but in reality after 2 years wants more now, which is to be expected. After 2 years ring usually appear and houses purchased. It doesn’t sound like that is remotely on the cards from your perspective so perhaps he feels like a spare part in your life and not part of your family.

Pure speculation I know but do you want him to be more involved day to day.....to live together etc?

FizzyIce · 02/02/2020 20:04

And your recent comment just throws up more questions !
Why is it “not good” for him to be around them ?

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