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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset BF went to see family

165 replies

SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 17:35

Namechanged.

My boyfriend and I have just had a silly argument. Resolved and all ok but still thinking each other is right.

I had an afternoon to myself today as my DC were with their dad. My boyfriend and I planned to spend it together. He arrived at midday and I was expecting him to stay until the DC came back at 5. At 2.30pm he phoned his DM and she told him her DD and GC were coming over (his sister, neice or nephew). He then decided he wanted to go over too and would leave mine at 3pm.

The reason I was upset was I won't see him again for 3 weeks (my next free afternoon) and he can visit his family anytime during the week and had seen his DM and DS during the week for a whole day and his DM a few other times in the week too. His argument was why shouldn't he be able to see his family and he had already seen me today and spent 3 hours with me.

AIBU to be upset he cut our afternoon short to visit family?

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 20:10

@NameChangeNugget - I see that now.
@Candyfloss99 - no he has plenty of other things in his life!! Confused
@SevenStones - well not quite as I would have travelled back alone but I would have got another hour and a bit.
@TinyGhostWriter - well we had plans to spend time together. I don't think that has to involve leaving the house. But yeah I could have but would have only had about 40 min there.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 20:12

@SpaceCadet4000 - fair enough. I just thought if you made plans with someone it was rude to change them for a better offer!

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 02/02/2020 20:16

But you haven't kept the dc separate. He has met them a few times so no reason for him to not see you for 3 weeks.

SevenStones · 02/02/2020 20:20

I disagree with the rings and house purchase comment. I was in an abusive marriage and I'd want to take things slowly too because obviously the abuse didn't start on day one.

However, after two years I'd also want to be a lot more committed to someone than the OP is describing. There just wouldn't be, after that length of time, circumstances where I wouldn't be able to find time to see my boyfriend in an entire three week period other than if I was going away.

Yes, I'd be upset if we were at mine and he suddenly said he was going to spend the rest of the afternoon at his mum's, but I don't think I'd want to be moving at such a glacial pace, and if I were, I couldn't really blame him for getting a bit bored with it all.

adaline · 02/02/2020 20:21

You're choosing to keep him incredibly separate from your day-to-day life. You have your reasons, which is fine and good, but you can't complain when that decision has consequences.

Maybe he's fed up of everything being on your terms? Why should he rearrange seeing his family for you, when you don't do the same for him?

If you don't want to see him for the next three weeks because of your DC then that's your lookout.

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 20:22

@MyNewBearTotoro - he was going at 5pm as that was when the children were coming back. I don't think he had any particular plans about length of time at his mum's. I doubt it would be an evening thing, though.

@Monsterpage - I see him more often than that - this was just a specific circumstance. And yes they give him love but not support. That comes from me.

@Littlewelshridinghood - it is both of us feel it is best for me to have lots of alone time with the DC but we do things together in the holidays usually.

@ShesGotBetteDavisEyes - I just like spending time with my boyfriend and as I know I wouldn't see him for 3 weeks most probably because of both our commitments I was a bit upset to cut our time down. I think he was in a bit of a restless mood, perhaps but I was upset.

OP posts:
BercowsFlyingFlamingo · 02/02/2020 20:29

I think the relationship is odd but yes, it's rude to change plans for a better offer. Maybe it's a good time to have a chat about where the relationship is heading.

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 20:29

@Sirzy - thanks for the advice. I would like him over more but particularly my eldest is not ready - although he gets on well with him when we are together - he couldn't cope with more. He has lots of appointments at the moment too. My youngest loves him.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 20:37

@Mummy0ftwo12 - yes, thank you.
@FizzyIce - I never cut our plans short.
@ring2519 - I don't agree it was longer than 2 years til I married and bought a house with my ex and that had no step children in the mix! He comes to all family events so is part of the family. Afaik he is happy with going slow for his own reasons too.
I'm not meaning to drip feed I just didn't see these things as relevant in my OP. However if he wants to move faster he is welcome to tell me! And yes, we talk about the future - moving in together etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 20:40

@FizzyIce - mainly because of my DS issues. We're going through a difficult time right now.
@Iminaglasscaseofemotion - we both most probably can't find a time in the next few weeks. But it's not normally like this!

OP posts:
MorganKitten · 02/02/2020 20:41

I agree he can see his family when he likes but a bit unfair to cut our time short

That’s the same thing you do to him, the only difference is yours is children.
So maybe be a bit understanding as he is to your situation.

ChicCroissant · 02/02/2020 20:41

It does come across as you wanting everything your own way though OP - you say when you'll meet and for how long. That doesn't work when he gets an opportunity like today to do something at short notice. There is no flexibility. That might suit your eldest child, but it's not great for your relationship.

I think the row was related to this issue (control/lack of spontaneity) which is why it has upset you. For whatever reason, you really don't see it from his view. I hope you can work it out but I agree that you need a serious discussion as to where the relationship is going and whether your expectations match up.

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 20:43

@SevenStones - it's not normally 3 weeks. But my DS has appointments and a camp, my DD parties - there are times I could see him but he is busy. The next time afaik right now is when DC are with their dad.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 02/02/2020 20:45

Summer I get it, my dc have autism too and if I was to get into a relationship my dc’s would not be that involved as it takes them a long time to except someone and now they are older I don’t feel they need to be involved with a new partner unless we plan to live together (which probably wouldn’t happen as long as my dc are living with me). I do think what he did today was off, he planned to spend the day with you, got there late and then changed his plans but I can also see that this relationship may be hard for him because your taking things slow and there’s not much room for things to progress due to your dc.

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 20:45

@adaline - he didn't rearrange seeing his family he rearranged seeing me! I would love to see him in the next 3 weeks. We would normally do something in the holidays but we aren't free on the same days.

OP posts:
jaffaeclipse · 02/02/2020 20:49

The reason I was upset was I won't see him again for 3 weeks (my next free afternoon)

So you don't have any free time for him for the next three weeks and then you complain when he is spending time with his family after seeing you for three hours? Why is he supposed to make you a priority over his family when you are clearly not making him a priority over whatever you have got happening for the next three weeks?

Badtasteflump · 02/02/2020 20:51

Plenty of threads people advice others not to involve the DC in a relationship until it is very solid or until you are engaged

But how can that work? I agree you should wait a few months before introducing DC, so you can be pretty sure it’s a significant relationship, but how can you know you it’s right to get engaged until he’s spent a significant amount of time being part of your family (ie with your DC)?

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 20:51

@BercowsFlyingFlamingo - yes, you're probably right.
@MorganKitten - I never cut our plans short. The plan was to see each other for the afternoon til 5 - that's not the same as cutting plans short saying - I'm free til this time and then I need to focus on the DC.
@ChicCroissant - yes, I do find spontinaiety difficult and change - I'm autistic so I think it comes from that. But yes not fair to not expect him to be spontaneous sometimes.

OP posts:
adaline · 02/02/2020 20:51

he didn't rearrange seeing his family he rearranged seeing me!

I know, that's my point.

Why should he rearrange seeing his family? You make him fit in around you all the time by the sounds of it - so maybe he didn't want to today?

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 20:55

@Lovemusic33 - thanks for the advice. He didn't get here late, though - he was actually a bit early and DS had a meltdown. Probably my own fault for not planning better. We had a difficult night so everything seemed to go wrong today! Poor DS not been good this evening but in bed now.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 21:03

@jaffaeclipse - I should have said our next free afternoon. He is free to see his family every day pretty much. I just thought it was rude to have made plans with someone then cut short for another offer? I'm obviously wrong.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 02/02/2020 21:06

I get it’s hard, Ds is autistic and has a lot of appointments and related issues. However if this man is to be a partner rather than just a friend with benefits then there does come a point where you need to have faith in him stepping up to support you all.

I’m 3 years into a relationship and although he doesn’t come to appointments and yes he sometimes finds things hard I know my partner is there for me and my son. For the last 18 months or so he has been used to us all staying together and generally Increasing time together ready to move in together when the time is right.

You reluctance to move towards a proper relationship suggests that for whatever reason you don’t believe he is the right person to support and your children?

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 21:07

@Badtasteflump - I don't know - it's just what I've read on here.
@adaline - then he could have told me that. He sees his family all the time and I don't expect him to rearrange that to see me. But he had plans with me this afternoon. He saw his mum this morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 21:08

@Sirzy - yes you are right he isn't in a position to support us all right now.

OP posts:
adaline · 02/02/2020 21:11

I don't know OP. All we can go on is what you're telling us.

To me, it sounds like you're not especially committed to him, hence keeping him at arms length with regards to your DC. Maybe he's realised that wants something more than just to fit in around your life after two years?