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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Upset BF went to see family

165 replies

SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 17:35

Namechanged.

My boyfriend and I have just had a silly argument. Resolved and all ok but still thinking each other is right.

I had an afternoon to myself today as my DC were with their dad. My boyfriend and I planned to spend it together. He arrived at midday and I was expecting him to stay until the DC came back at 5. At 2.30pm he phoned his DM and she told him her DD and GC were coming over (his sister, neice or nephew). He then decided he wanted to go over too and would leave mine at 3pm.

The reason I was upset was I won't see him again for 3 weeks (my next free afternoon) and he can visit his family anytime during the week and had seen his DM and DS during the week for a whole day and his DM a few other times in the week too. His argument was why shouldn't he be able to see his family and he had already seen me today and spent 3 hours with me.

AIBU to be upset he cut our afternoon short to visit family?

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 02/02/2020 19:00

Or even a friend without benefits - not sure there much time for intimacy in this relationship.

1FootInTheRave · 02/02/2020 19:01

Another vote for it sounds like he's not that into you.

2020runner · 02/02/2020 19:06

Yabu

CakeandCustard28 · 02/02/2020 19:17

Two years and you only see him when the kids aren’t there? You clearly don’t like each other much.

Standrewsschool · 02/02/2020 19:17

Why didn’t you go with him?

Original poster

SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 19:17

@Batshittery - we have been together for 2 years. I keep my relationship seperate from my DC currently. I agree he can see his family when he likes but a bit unfair to cut our time short.
@katy1213 - we usually see each other more it is just this occasion it is going to be a long time. I have no worries that he's not invested.
@AnchorDownDeepBreath - my DC are prioritised above him which I think is quite right. Apart from that it is just circumstance rather than priority - the DC are with me the next 2 weekends.

OP posts:

LisBethSalander07 · 02/02/2020 19:19

He doesn't sound very bothered about spending time with you, sorry.

Original poster

SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 19:21

@Paintedmaypole - we are taking things slowly for my DC sake but we are commited.

It works for us best at the moment without the DC. We are both happy with it. He has met the DC and sees them sometimes but we prefer to take things slowly.

OP posts:

Qwerty543 · 02/02/2020 19:22

If my partner of 2 years refused to integrate me into their life WITH DCs then I'd assume they aren't serious. Therefore he can do whatever he wants.

Qwerty543 · 02/02/2020 19:23

There's slowly and there is just plain stagnation.

SevenStones · 02/02/2020 19:23

If, after two years, my partner didn't want to me to meet their children, I'd be wandering off part way through an afternoon too.

It sounds quite a casual relationship if things are still being kept separate, so you can hardly blame him for going along with that and casually going to do something else.

adaline · 02/02/2020 19:26

It works for us best at the moment without the DC. We are both happy with it. He has met the DC and sees them sometimes but we prefer to take things slowly.

If someone was taking things this slowly after two years, I wouldn't bother asking them to come and visit my family either.

You're sending out a pretty clear message to him - that you don't see him as a long-term partner. So why should he see you as one?

Lovemusic33 · 02/02/2020 19:27

I think waiting 2+ years to introduce him to your dc is taking things a bit too slowly, maybe he thinks your not taking the relationship very seriously so why should he?

He doesn’t sound like he’s too bothered, maybe it’s time to ditch him and move on?

I was dating someone a while ago who sounds similar, just didn’t put much effort in so I was in no rush to introduce him to my kids either, maybe you don’t want to introduce him because you know deep down it’s not going to last?

Original poster

SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 19:28

@looselipssinkships - yes, possibly and he has done this sometimes but my autistic DS has difficulty with sleep so not often asleep til quite late.
@BercowsFlyingFlamingo - we met at work. I can't do evenings apart from odd one if my friend looks after DC.
@KellyHall - it's not always once in 3 weeks - just this circumstance. I didn't go with him to see family as it would take longer to get there and back than I would have there.

OP posts:

pictish · 02/02/2020 19:29

I think it’s ok for him to go to see his family.

Sirzy · 02/02/2020 19:29

Prioritising your children obviously comes first BUT if after two years you are still keeping them separated from your partner then that would suggest to most people that no your not committed. After two years then most people would expect to be part of the child’s life and be working towards becoming a family not just the person you see when the kids are away.

Herpesfreesince03 · 02/02/2020 19:31

The relationship sounds a bit pointless tbh. He may be losing interest

pictish · 02/02/2020 19:32

I also think you sound like you want it all on your terms. If you’ve been together for two years it’s perfectly acceptable for him to prioritise his family for a couple of hours as a one off, especially as the arrangements you have are of your design.
You can’t have it all your own way all the time.

lollybee1 · 02/02/2020 19:32

You sound very needy. Perhaps you aren't ready for a relationship

JRUIN · 02/02/2020 19:32

Considering he sees his family regularly and you not too often, him ditching you early means he was he was either very bored or is just not that into you or perhaps both.

Original poster

SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 19:33

@Sirzy - we usually see each other more often but just logistics this time mean we are not seeing each for 3 weeks so I would have liked the whole 5 hours with him.

@Geneshish - my DC have met him and we have had outings but in general we keep things seperate. I had a DV relationship which my DC are recovering from. Myself and my BF are happy to take things slowly.

OP posts:

Original poster

SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 19:34

@GrumpyHoonMain - no we're exclusive and commited.

OP posts:

Badtasteflump · 02/02/2020 19:36

To me, two years in with that little commitment and shared lives means it's a non-starter. But reading on it's fair enough that you want to take things very slowly.

But I think the flip side of that is that he is also entitled to think he doesn't have to invest much time into your relationship atm - so it's fair enough that he went to see his family.

Batshittery · 02/02/2020 19:36

I agree that the DC situation makes it sound like you're not really that invested in the relationship, although I accept it maybe tricker as your son is autistic. Yet you say he has met them a couple of times. I think you're making it more difficult than it needs to be.

Original poster

SummerBreeze1980 · 02/02/2020 19:38

I didn't realise it was so controversial to keep things seperate from my DC at this stage. Plenty of threads people advice others not to involve the DC in a relationship until it is very solid or until you are engaged. We're doing good but I'm not at a point of feeling we are necessarily 'forever' yet. I want us to be together forever but 2 years is early days for me having been in a long marriage before!

OP posts:

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