Upset BF went to see family

[SummerBreeze1980]

Namechanged.

My boyfriend and I have just had a silly argument. Resolved and all ok but still thinking each other is right.

I had an afternoon to myself today as my DC were with their dad. My boyfriend and I planned to spend it together. He arrived at midday and I was expecting him to stay until the DC came back at 5. At 2.30pm he phoned his DM and she told him her DD and GC were coming over (his sister, neice or nephew). He then decided he wanted to go over too and would leave mine at 3pm.

The reason I was upset was I won't see him again for 3 weeks (my next free afternoon) and he can visit his family anytime during the week and had seen his DM and DS during the week for a whole day and his DM a few other times in the week too. His argument was why shouldn't he be able to see his family and he had already seen me today and spent 3 hours with me.

AIBU to be upset he cut our afternoon short to visit family?

2 years and you are still not living together and seem to be just part-time bf/gf. He really is just not that into you, sorry, and it does not sound like you are really into him either. It doesn't sound like much of a relationship. I think 2 years is more slow than I can imagine. I don't think it's possible to go any slower than if you were only correspondence bf/gf. I'd 'fish or cut bait' at this time. Work out if you want to have a real relationship and live together, or go separate ways.

There's slowly and there is just plain stagnation.

Agreed. I can understand waiting 6 months to introduce your DC to your boyfriend, but 2 years? Imo that is beyond ridiculous. I would find that deeply insulting if I were the bf. This really isn't a relationship of any type.

he doesn't feel stable enough to be around the children.

This is concerning. He must be very ill if that's the case, and maybe it would be better for you to walk away altogether?

He's not that into you. Sorry to say but it's true

I think it's more the other way round...

Taking it slow is honestly fine when children are involved, especially given your history with DV and your DC’s autism. I don’t think you are doing anything wrong really given the circumstances. He’s also obviously ok with it otherwise why would he be sticking around?

I can understand a relationship stagnating when you’re unable to see one another very much though. I’d be feeling rather frustrated if I only got to see my partner of two years every once in a while.

@Bluntness100 - firstly I didn't 'kick off' I just told my boyfriend I was upset. I was sad at not seeing him for longer and felt it a bit rude to cut short our plans for a better offer. Not seeing him for 3 weeks was not my wish. I didn't wish for autistic son to be struggling so much, I didn't wish for him to be unwell, I didn't wish to be in therapy for DV. That time was the next time we could both do. Anyway as I said we've both compromised and got a couple of lunch dates planned. I give a lot to the relationship and think about his needs and wants. I rearrange things to go to his appointments, pick up meds, make phone calls, give him a hell of a lot of emotional support, make meals for us and extra to take home, even washed his clothes for him and tidyed his flat. He can pick up the phone to me anytime. We have fun and lots of light relief when we are together, I pay for meals out and drinks at the pub, cinema. All while juggling my own mental health, my DC and my work. I think it is very unfair to suggest I don't give or make compromises in our relationship. But I can't compromise my children for him - full stop. And if I did Social Services would come down on me like a tonne of bricks. I also find it strange that people see my BF as so passive in this. If he has a problem with our relationship - he is very welcome to say or even break-up with me. I'm not a mind reader. Why is it ok for him to change our plans for a better offer because he's 'fed up' or something - should he not communicate this to me? He's not tied down in this dreadful relationship unable to discuss it with me or leave.

@Ikora - I don't think telling him I was upset is extreme? I think he was very restless but he gets no support from his family, really. Usually a lot of drama going on (he ended up only staying half an hour because of this). I do cut him a lot of slack and I do understand his illness well. But yes, you're right sometimes you have to do what you need to do to get through the day. We had a minor argument and made up before he left - I really didn't make a massive thing about it.

@Ikora - does it not explain why I see him mostly without the DC?

You're right, it was a bit rude of him to do that. But unless there is something about your BF you're not telling us about, like he has a history of abusing children or something worse, which is why he can't be around children, I don't see how Social Services would come down at you at all, considering most couples have moved in together well before 2 years.

@HeadachesByTheDozen - we love each other a lot and see each other 2 or 3 times a week usually and in a few months this will increase due to my work. We speak to each other on the phone about 3 times a day. I can't see how you think living together would be possible? He can't be around the children alone, Social Services would go mad and my DS would be highly unsettled with a knock on effect to my DD. Hardly ideal is it? But putting that aside neither of want to move in together. I know lots of couples that weren't living together at 2 years (even without our complex issues) and see each other eow to fit in with DC - maybe a night in the week too. It's really not that unusual!

It sounds like you both need to be friends rather than anything else. Although I have to say that with a warning like that from a social worker I would be reluctant for anything

@HeadachesByTheDozen - if you RTFT you will see he has met the DC and they get on really well. First it's 'ridiculous' and now 'concerning'. Very dramatic. He is recovering from a serious mental illness and has insight and is taking for his mental health - this is very positive - not concerning in the slightest. Tbh he would struggle without my support so I wouldn't like to leave him over his illness as long as he is compliant with treatment and continues to recover.

@Aridane - no I love him to pieces. I can assure you if I wasn't 'in to him' I would have left him - I don't like making my life more difficult than it has to be!

@Urkiddingright - thank you - we normally see each other 2 times a week approx and talk on the phone a lot. It's more than every once in while. It was just these few weeks we were stuck to find a time we were both free - but we've sorted it now.

He can't be around the children alone, Social Services would go mad

The only reason I can see that Social Services wouldn't allow him to be around children is if he were a paedophile or child abuser, or guilty of DV. I cannot see or comprehend of any reason other than that. It is normal for someone with children to get with someone who has major depression, or bi-polar, even schizophrenia. It is illegal for SS to discriminate on that basis. So you are not making any sense, because unless he is violent/abusive towards adults and/or children, there is absolutely no reason he can't move in with you.

@HeadachesByTheDozen - no absolutely no child abuse history! I wouldn't not be with him if that is the case. Have you been involved with Social Services for children? They hold you to a much higher standard of parenting that is the 'norm'. They look to mert the needs of the child with no regard to adult relationships or what you might consider normal. I don't think most couples are living together at 2 years but even if so it wouldn't matter to Social Setvices if not in the best interests of the child.

@Sirzy - it's pretty standard practice, really. It won't be forever - just til his meds are sorted.
@HeadachesByTheDozen - no there is no violence. This is just standard practice for Social Services - and pretty sensible imo that he not be alone with a child until his meds are sorted and he is stable. I'm sorry you sound pretty misinformed? You are the one making no sense. Have you had SS involvement with your DC? Yes, people get together wiith people with SMI and that is not the issue - the issue is his meds aren't sorted. It's just a precaution - he's been fully risk-assessed.

@Sirzy - I don't see how just being friends, would help really.

@HeadachesByTheDozen there is absolutely no reason he can't move in with you. Are you for real? You have strange ideas about people with DC moving in together so fast. Would you really put your DC's best interests aside to move your BF in? I'm sorry but imo that makes you a bad mother. Neither of us are ready to move in with each other - is that not a good enough reason even if I didn't care how it would affect my DC?

If he has been on meds for a year, he should be stable by now. Regardless, unless he is violent, SS don't have the right to stop him moving in legally.

@HeadachesbytheDozen - I'm sorry but you are very misinformed in this area too. With someone with SMI it takes time to find the right combination of medications and then to titrate them to the therapeutic dose. You don't get diagnosed and are instantly on the right medications at the right level. To say a year from diagnosis someone should be completely stable is very naive. And of course SS can't legally stop him moving in but they can legally remove children. Why on earth would you risk it? And if you do you're a terrible mother. Are you really telling me that would be your stance with Social Services?

I have family experience with SMI. I know that it should not take longer than a year. Again, SS have no reason to remove children unless they are in danger of being abused. Being on medication for SMI is not a reason to remove a child, unless they feel a child will be at risk. Having SMI does not automatically make you a risk to children. So something doesn't add up here. But, regardless, I hope things work out well for you all.

@HeadachesBytheDozen - I'm sorry but having family with SMI does not make you an expert. I work in this field. You are wrong. It is not uncommon that a year after diagnosis the best medication set-up is being worked on. Even beyond that medications may stop working, doses might be tinkered with. There may be many reasons medication may not be sorted. In my boyfriend's case he was on a mood stabaliser which was working but giving side effects - the psych changed it to a different one but it didn't work so he is just being put back on the old one. It can be titrated faster as he had it recently but still will take time to get there and for the full effects to be there. This is why he is not completely stable right now. He does not want to be around the DC until he is feeling good on them. You mention 'risk' - that is the whole point. If he was looking after the DC alone there would be risk as he is not on the correct dosage of meds - yes a pretty small risk - but SS are of course cautious. Again - the risk is not the SMI of itself or that he takes medication. It is that he is not stable on his meds at the current time. If in this circumstance I moved my BF in - we would probably be taken to child protection conference. I ask again - would you really risk this for your own child?

@HeadachesByTheDozen - but thank you for the well wishes