Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a handhold? Heading for a mental breakdown depending on tomorrow

491 replies

WhyThisLife · 02/02/2020 16:01

Probably not the right section for this but with the traffic AIBU gets, here I am!

I'd like to ask for a handhold, some group support, a chat etc... As I prepare for my hospital appointment tomorrow.

I have been struggling with fertility issues for a while now and I am currently pregnant. Tomorrow is the scan where I find out if this is viable or not (I've had quite a few previously where I've been told they aren't and had to have D&C's or surgery etc...).

It's all taking its toll now and it's taking all my strength to go in that room willingly tomorrow and not being dragged kicking and screaming. I hate being there, I hate watching people coming out before me all happy and going over to the machine to pay for their scan photos, I hate the look on the nurses faces as soon as they can see on the screen and their 'im very sorry' voices when they tell me again, I hate being walked out and put in the 'quiet room' and seeing everyone's sympathetic faces in the waiting room because they know why.

I am seriously concerned about how I will be tomorrow if it's the same news. I am so so so fed up. I feel like I'm heading for some sort of breakdown but I can't bring myself to give up either.

I don't want to worry DH too much (although he does know how I'm feeling), so can I trouble you all for some support/conversation please? I feel so jittery and restless waiting for tomorrow.

OP posts:
flumposie · 02/02/2020 16:04

I am thinking of you . I have experience of fertility issues but not to the same extent as you. I will keep you in my thoughts tomorrow Flowers

Gazelda · 02/02/2020 16:05

I'll hold your hand. And I'll be thinking if you tomorrow, hoping that the appointment brings you relief.
Your words are heartbreaking, I can't imagine the sadness and fear you must be feeling. But my hand is yours for as long as you need it.

PinkiOcelot · 02/02/2020 16:06

Ahhhh OP. I don’t blame you for feeling that way. I don’t have any words of advice for you as it won’t really matter what anyone says really. You’ll feel the way you do. But a massive unmumsnetty hug for you and all the best for tomorrow xx

katmarie · 02/02/2020 16:07

I didn't want to read and run. I've not been through what you're going through, and I cant imagine how hard it is, but I sincerely hope you get a positive outcome tomorrow. If positive thoughts have any power at all, know that you have all of mine. Flowers

NumbersStation · 02/02/2020 16:09

Darling heart. Fat little hand hold from me. I wish you well for tomorrow and for your little one.

Hope is a marvellous thing. Reach for it and grab on tight.

Tomorrow is tomorrow and can be dealt with then.

You can do this x Flowers

GoodnightJude1 · 02/02/2020 16:10

A handhold and wishing you the very best for tomorrow 💐

Original poster
WhyThisLife · 02/02/2020 16:12

Thank you very much.

I feel like I need to be strong for DH because he worries. But God inside I am dreading this so much. I've found myself hoping that there's blood when I go to the toilet so I don't have to go and it can happen naturally. Unfortunately my body seems to retain it every time, it's just fucking shit.

I was dreaming last night that they told me there was a heartbeat and it was okay. And then I woke up and realised that it's not likely from my previous experience.

I pray to God who I don't even believe in but I am desperate. I can feel my mind clawing at me from the inside out trying to escape, I'm so scared. I just want to refuse to go.

OP posts:
YappityYapYap · 02/02/2020 16:13

How far along are you OP?

Original poster
WhyThisLife · 02/02/2020 16:15

I should be about 7 and a half weeks. But usually it's never more than 6 when they scan and stops there.

Another thing I hate (sorry this will be a reoccurring theme!!), Is that it's always the same few nurses. I feel so fucking embarrassed being there again. They probably dread seeing me in the waiting room.

OP posts:
justpassingthrough2 · 02/02/2020 16:15

I've been where you are Thanks
It really is the worst. Big handhold from me and thinking of you for tomorrow Thanks

Parkandride · 02/02/2020 16:18

You poor thing, no wonder you're in turmoil. I'm so sorry you've had such a shitty time, I so hope tomorrow goes well.

I'm at the fertility clinic tomorrow too, such weird places, hope and sadness combined. Please let us know how you get on Flowers

izzyb6488 · 02/02/2020 16:19

Hi @whythislife, having had fertility issues myself I can only offer you a handhold and totally understand your apprehensions. I am presuming that your GP offered support to you on previous occasions, are you able to ask to continue this? Have you had any discussions with your GP as to any reason why previous pregnancies were not viable?

Original poster
WhyThisLife · 02/02/2020 16:22

I just wish it was something where I could stick my fingers in my ears and pretend isn't happening and carry on but of course I can't. It's all the shit afterwards too. The going over my 'options' for what feels like the millionth time because my body can't even seem to fucking miscarry without help. Then the actual going through with it all, having to tell work again etc... I hate it, I hate me and I'd give anything to be someone else.

Parkandride all the best for tomorrow Flowers it's hard isn't it. They are strange places you're right. I do go to a miscarriage clinic but the scans are just in the normal ultrasound department so it's full to the brim of happy couples finding out the sex, getting photos etc... There'll be an old sign stuck on the wall somewhere asking people to be considerate because not everyone gets good news. It feels like that sign is there literally for me alone sometimes.

OP posts:
MRex · 02/02/2020 16:23

Handholding here. I hope your baby surprises you by being healthy and well.

Do you know any medical reason why your previous babies didn't make it e.g. any thyroid or gynaecological reasons?

Randomness12 · 02/02/2020 16:23

Huge handhold from me too Flowers I have only been in that situation once, and that was more than enough. I cannot imagine how you are feeling but I wanted to reassure you that you are so strong, stronger than you know.

Practically, what time is your appointment? Can you go in and register and then wait in the next corridor for your DH to call you? Then you don’t have to sit with the others?

I wish you nothing but positive news.

Original poster
WhyThisLife · 02/02/2020 16:24

Izzy, my GP has offered counselling. I've been on the waiting list for a while now but not heard anything yet.

I do know the reason for the losses, I have a translocation of chromosomes 11 and 22. Apparently its supposed to be up to 37% chance of miscarrying each pregnancy but as the number gets higher, I don't believe those stats. They have also put me on progesterone.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 02/02/2020 16:24

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, OP, and wish you the very best of luck.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/02/2020 16:27

Massive handhold from me too. Been there a few times myself, although not with IVF - it's a horrible feeling.
One of the worst was when I started bleeding mid scan - she'd done the abdominal scan, sent me to pee so she could do the transvaginal scan, and I started to bleed in the loo - she was mortified, even though it totally wasn't her fault, poor thing!

Huge (((hugs))) - and everything crossed for you that tomorrow is the different one. Thanks

Nannewnannew · 02/02/2020 16:28

WhyThisLife oh I am so sorry for the stress and sadness you have been through. Please have a handhold from me and be assured that I will be thinking of you tomorrow and wishing you the best news ever. 💐

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/02/2020 16:30

Having seen your post about your chromosome translocation issues, this might not be relevant to you but it's still worth a shot - have you had your vitamin D levels checked? Low vit D is associated with fertility issues and miscarriage as well, so it wouldn't/couldn't hurt to supplement vit D.

MrsMozartMkII · 02/02/2020 16:34

I have everything crossed for you lass.

yogo · 02/02/2020 16:34

I'm here too, just offering support. Totally natural to feel like you do after what you've been through.

I really hope to hear good news from you tomorrow x

Original poster
WhyThisLife · 02/02/2020 16:34

ThumbWitchesAbroad thank you. It's not actually an IVF pregnancy this. We haven't gone down that route (yet) as I get pregnant seemingly quite quickly. That must have been horrible to start there in the hospital, I'm sorry.

When all this first started I did have a few natural ones but since then they've all been MMC. I think its the progesterone they have me on but they tell me it's not so I don't know.

OP posts:
letmebefrank · 02/02/2020 16:35

I'm so sorry for all your struggles, OP. I hope tomorrow brings good news. Flowers

Original poster
WhyThisLife · 02/02/2020 16:35

Also thumb, just spotted your post about Vit D. I do take pregnancy vitamins so I'll check the box! Hosp also give me high dose folic acid.

OP posts: