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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a handhold? Heading for a mental breakdown depending on tomorrow

491 replies

WhyThisLife · 02/02/2020 16:01

Probably not the right section for this but with the traffic AIBU gets, here I am!

I'd like to ask for a handhold, some group support, a chat etc... As I prepare for my hospital appointment tomorrow.

I have been struggling with fertility issues for a while now and I am currently pregnant. Tomorrow is the scan where I find out if this is viable or not (I've had quite a few previously where I've been told they aren't and had to have D&C's or surgery etc...).

It's all taking its toll now and it's taking all my strength to go in that room willingly tomorrow and not being dragged kicking and screaming. I hate being there, I hate watching people coming out before me all happy and going over to the machine to pay for their scan photos, I hate the look on the nurses faces as soon as they can see on the screen and their 'im very sorry' voices when they tell me again, I hate being walked out and put in the 'quiet room' and seeing everyone's sympathetic faces in the waiting room because they know why.

I am seriously concerned about how I will be tomorrow if it's the same news. I am so so so fed up. I feel like I'm heading for some sort of breakdown but I can't bring myself to give up either.

I don't want to worry DH too much (although he does know how I'm feeling), so can I trouble you all for some support/conversation please? I feel so jittery and restless waiting for tomorrow.

OP posts:
sodabreadjam · 02/02/2020 19:25

Good luck for tomorrow, OP. Will be thinking of you. Flowers

Winecheesesleep · 02/02/2020 19:27

Really hope you get better news tomorrow, fingers crossed for you Flowers

Lokki · 02/02/2020 19:27

I have been there so many times. So I understand the dreadful thoughts before a scan day. A very big hug and hand hold from me. I am also keeping my fingers crossed for tomorrow. Wish you all the luck in universe.

Sofacat · 02/02/2020 19:29

I hope with every fibre of my being that all is well tomorrow xxxx

Janus · 02/02/2020 19:30

Massive handhold from me.
I only had one MMC but it was awful.
I truly hope you have positive news tomorrow good luck 🤞

RightYesButNo · 02/02/2020 19:33

There's people out there losing actual children.
Sometimes I forget what utter douche canoes other people can be. I can’t believe that someone said that to you (except I can), and I’m just so sorry. What a terribly hurtful and very un-human (and inhumane) thing to say; every loss is a LOSS. It’s not top trumps, and you know that better than anyone, for which I’m so sorry.

As for the nurses, as a chronic patient myself, trust me that the medical people who start to recognize you are the ones who end up cheering you on the most, whether you know it or not. There is no dread; just a desperate hope that their patients succeed and get well / feel better / have the baby their heart wishes for (depending on health problem).

You have been brave. And if you break down and cry and scream all over the office and tear all their pictures off the walls and beat your chest like Tarzan... you are STILL brave. There are a million ways to be brave and none of them are wrong (unless you hurt others, and you don’t seem the sort). I’m sorry for your previous losses and a mega handhold that tomorrow is truly something different and wonderful for you. Flowers

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/02/2020 19:33

Heartfelt empathy from someone who’s been there a few times. The fucking quiet room. The last time it happened I said not to bloody bother, I knew the options... It’s a truly shit club to be in and you’re not alone. We used to drive to those scans in complete silence and DH would put his hand on my thigh in the car and just give me a little squeeze every now and then.

Sending you strength and love and ALL my wishes for a good day and you’ve got a lot of support waiting here whatever happens Flowers

ALongHardWinter · 02/02/2020 19:34

Wishing you all the luck in the world tomorrow OP. I will be praying for a happy outcome for you. Flowers

Original poster
WhyThisLife · 02/02/2020 19:39

AnneLovesGilbert, yes I was pretty awful (not really but quite short) with one of the nurses last time I'm ashamed to admit Sad I basically just said I don't want to sit in here for an hour and then go over my options, this is the day I'm free, this is the option I want to select, I've been through it before, please call me with an appointment, bye.

I had to get out before I screamed and as much as I know they are trying to help, I can't cope with the sympathy sometimes, asking if I'm okay etc... I just need to get out.

OP posts:
Ange211 · 02/02/2020 19:44

Huge hand hold & best of luck for tomorrow. I really hope it's good news for you. Flowers

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 02/02/2020 19:44

My heart is breaking for you Why I'm not religious so can't pray, but will be thinking of you at 11am and sending you hope.

Lucyabraham87 · 02/02/2020 19:51

@whythislife
I clicked on your post as I too feel like I'm headed for a breakdown depending on tomorrow and Reading your story it's similar to mine. After late and early miscarriages (trisomy 18) I'm waiting on my iona test results which are due in tomorrow to find out if my baby is viable too. I wish you all the best of luck in the world and know exactly what you are going through right now, I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone

CJsGoldfish · 02/02/2020 19:56

OP, I also have a translocation and remember all too well 'those' ultrasounds. I've so very sorry.

When I first started going through this 25 years ago, I remember being told that they may be able to put it to the 'ethics' committee to begin the process of genetic screening. I'm hazy on the details now but they suggested an option to going through the same thing every month. All this time later and I'm appalled that something like this, with all the progress made since then, hasn't been suggested to you! You need to move on to somewhere that will actually help you because I know they could be doing more.

I did not think I could continue but I did have a successful pregnancy eventually and then another 3 children with 'only' 3 more m/cs. For some reason it was easier after having that first.

I'll be thinking of you OP and wish you all the best

Smurf123 · 02/02/2020 20:00

Op I really hope tomorrow goes well for you!! I've been there too recurrent missed miscarriages a discovered on ultrasounds with no prior signs and didnt progress behind 6/7 weeks.
I ended up going private in my last pregnancy as I couldn't take going to that room again. But the consultant for it recommended taking high dose folic acid and vitamin d and 75mg aspirin.. Despite me saying my rmc blood tests ruled out sticky blood. Apparently that test isn't conclusive unless you are pregnant when tested and they don't test when you are pregnant 🤔 I gave birth to my son at 37 weeks.. He will be 2 next month. Problems with placenta from 32 weeks on led to the consultant to believe that the 75 mg aspirin was needed to get me as far as I did and it now says in my notes if I'm ever pregnant again I should be taking 150mg.
Tbh I reached the point of I just had to do something different for the last pregnancy so I threw out all the pregnancy vitamins and opted for the plain and simple vit d, folic acid and then the aspirin. I don't know if it made the difference I just know I needed to feel like I was trying something else.
Truly best of luck for tomorrow Thanks

MamaBearThius · 02/02/2020 20:01

Fucking quiet room.
So sorry you're going through this OP. Sending you everything for tomorrow Brew

lborgia · 02/02/2020 20:03

Hi love, just something else to think about when you feel up to it, I was reminded by the pp who said "folate not folic acid".

There's something called the MTHFR gene that means you don't process folic acid supplements properly, which need to be turned into folate. Natural foods contain folate.

This is responsible for recurrent mc, among other things, so you could see about being tested, or at the very least, find a folate supplement.

My heart really goes out to you, hope tomorrow/ today goes well. Flowers

Yabadee · 02/02/2020 20:05

Hand hold from me too ❤️

Mollie3 · 02/02/2020 20:05

OP, I can empathise with how scary (for want of a better word) it is to go in for that initial scan especially after previous issues. Good idea to wait elsewhere and DP collect you when you are called in.
A family member had the transverse dislocation of the gene and did eventually have two successful pregnancies after several losses.
There’s a first time for everything and I really hope that tomorrow will be yours 💐
And your so kind trying to stay strong for your DP - I’ll be praying for your rainbow baby to be this one xxx

Justaboy · 02/02/2020 20:06

Nearly 50% of miscarriages are down to defects in the sperm - it’s not all in you to ‘fix’ things!

Well thats interesting shall we say! Any citations for that?, and OP no the other staff there won't criticise you in any way, they are mainly women too and will probally share your problems. One of our rellies had around 10 miscarridges but go there in the end with IVF but she felt awfuul each time . Poor girl.

Please let us know what the outcome is, hope it is happy news for you:)

LaurieMarlow · 02/02/2020 20:11

OP, I sincerely hope it works out for you. Whatever happens, take care of yourself. Flowers

Justgivemethehobnobs · 02/02/2020 20:12

I am genuinely wishing you so much luck for tomorrow. Flowers

Wineiscooling · 02/02/2020 20:14

I'm just joining in the hand holding. I've been there to an extent with my fertility issues. I have a friend that has been in your shoes numerous times. I know nothing can help you right now other than knowing all us Mumsnet hand holders will be thinking of you tomorrow and keeping everything crossed for a happy outcome x

ittybittylivingspace · 02/02/2020 20:14

Wishing you all the luck in the world for tomorrow sweetie Thanks

Walkerbean16 · 02/02/2020 20:15

Wishing you all the best for tomorrow xx

TheRosesAreInBloom · 02/02/2020 20:16

Hi OP, hand hold from me, I can completely relate to not wanting to leave the house to go face the scan...I felt as though I was revisiting the anxiety as I read your post. I haven’t been what you have been through but have experienced two MMC.......devastating. My age was a factor (I was 47 when I had her, she will be two in March) but I went straight on progesterone and took 75mg aspirin up to around 37 (I think) weeks. Good luck to you, I’m rooting for you 💞💞