Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Withdrawing the offer of a loan

325 replies

ChrissieKeller61 · 02/02/2020 09:04

So very good friend, we’ve lent each other a grand or so over the years both always paid back on time. Complete trust.
She needs £7000 to get out of £28,000 of debt on an Iva.
Currently working full time with kids her life is difficult tbh.
We discussed this, I have about £5,000 I was prepared to lend her which I’ve worked hard for and £2,000 of that is my overdraft, she will cover the charges for when paying me back. Not as though this money is just lying around though.
I want to withdraw the offer and this is why. She’s still spending. This weekend it was another £500 on home improvements. Sensible in theory. But why am I going without and living frugally to help her out when she’s not helping herself.

OP posts:
Melvinsmum2020 · 02/02/2020 11:29

@ElsieMc

I have sent you a PM.

I am sorry if I upset you, I wasn’t judging you at all, have seen a similar scenario play out with my mum and DB, but with mum now dead, he has to now survive alone. I do understand how hard it must be for you though.

SerendipityJane · 02/02/2020 11:33

Bankruptcy doesn’t sound too bad an option does it ?

It's one of the worst things that can happen to someone without actually going to jail. It will make living far more expensive forever.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 02/02/2020 11:33

OMG, this scenario has disaster written all over it. You sound like a lovely friend in wanting to help, but it’s far too much given that you can barely afford it and she’s still spending. Glad you’ve decided not to go ahead with it. Don’t feel guilty, you’re doing the right thing.

Tinypaws2 · 02/02/2020 11:35

If she's in an Iva then you would become part of that agreement and the company will make you payments via her payment and it won't be no where near what your expecting.

I deal with iva's every day and they are quite strict with the budget they work out. I don't understand why she still has £7k worth of debt if she's in an Iva.

BumbleBeee69 · 02/02/2020 11:35

SCREAMING....... do not lend this idiot a penny.. she is still buying whatever she wants without a care .. because she's knows you will bail her out, without her having to take any responsibility for her spending.. and she/they carry on spending.. FUCK THAT.. Shock

and has she actually asked for a Settlement Figure for the £28K.. I bet NOT.. Hmm it's all pie in the sky.. and I also lay money on her taking your £5K and booking a fabulous holiday NOT paying off debt.. why would they.. they've never paid any other debts.... Confused

Keep your money safely in your Bank account OP Flowers

TheyDoDoThat · 02/02/2020 11:37

Do not put yourself in debt for someone else. You will NEVER see this money again!

Todaythiscouldbe · 02/02/2020 11:41

@Tinypaws2 she doesn't, the £7k is supposedly to settle the IVA. A full and final settlement could be agreed if, for example, she can prove her circumstances have worsened, however, as none of us know the terms of the IVA we can't really confirm that it is or isn't a possibility

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 02/02/2020 11:43

That’s absolutely the plan @Todaythiscouldbe

OP posts:
SpamChaudFroid · 02/02/2020 11:45

I actually forgot she owes another friend a few thousand but that friend can afford it to be fair to her and had said no rush to pay it back but I’d forgotten about that loan. That was the 5% deposit on the house and of course the husband wants half of that.

Have I read this correctly; the 5% deposit to obtain a mortgage was borrowed from a friend? If so, holy molyShock

gamerwidow · 02/02/2020 11:45

You should only ever lend money you can afford to lose if don't get it back. If you're going into your overdraft then you can't afford to lose it.
Apologise and say you got carried away but you realise now that you can't afford this and it's too much risk.

Todaythiscouldbe · 02/02/2020 11:49

@ChrissieKeller61 there is a lot of misinformation on this thread. I agree you definitely should not be lending her the money but a full and final settlement of an IVA is absolutely possible under certain circumstances. They would not necessarily take the £7k and then ask for payments to be continued. Having said that, I see no extenuating circumstances that would allow your friend to settle in this way but, clearly, none of us know the exact position your friend is in.

katewhinesalot · 02/02/2020 11:51

She wants the fictional prince charming to bank roll her, just as she's got you bank rolling her and your other friend.
She's taking no responsibility for the mess she's got herself in, just expecting others to bail her out.

Now go and book that holiday with no qualms. She didn't have a qualm buying that appliance did she? Fortunate for you that she did, or your eyes wouldn't have been opened to the stupidity of it.

Lunde · 02/02/2020 11:55

This is crazy OP - you need to take a huge step back from involving yourself in her debts.

Just look at yourself - you are feeling guilty about spending your own money and hiding holidays while she is happy to take your savings and keep on spending on herself. She has a huge sense of entitlement to other peoples' money.

As (Dr Phil?) says "you don't solve money problems with money" - if you give people money and they don't change their spending/attitude to money all you are doing is giving them extra money to spend. People like this never learn to live within their means until they must face the consequences

coconuttelegraph · 02/02/2020 12:03

Thank goodness you have come to your senses and decided not to go ahead, I was almost shouting at the screen when I was reading the beginning of the thread. No one should be that stupid

Ghostontoast · 02/02/2020 12:19

Some people have no concept of taking time to scrimp and save, let alone that if you “borrow” money you actually have to pay it back at some point in the not too distant future.

I think you would be mad to lend her 5k, and even madder still to borrow a further 2k, and then put yourself in debt.

Someone who has “borrowed” the house deposit from a friend (and her husband thinks half the deposit is “his” - well he is barking!) and has run up debts of 28 k has probably no concept of saving/living within their means (i’m guessing the money she paid you back mentioned at the start of your original post was probably borrowed from someone else).

I would guess she ran out and spent £500 on stuff on the back of your promise.

It’s going to be difficult but you need to tell her you can’t afford to lend her 7k.

SerendipityJane · 02/02/2020 12:21

Thank goodness you have come to your senses and decided not to go ahead, I was almost shouting at the screen when I was reading the beginning of the thread. No one should be that stupid

Hmm

from the OPs writing and demeanour, I'm sorry to say I really can't see them getting the bottle to say no. The moment they are away from this thread and back in the sphere of influence of their "friend" it will all evaporate.

I hope I'm wrong. But as I have already say, I'd be prepared for the next instalment which starts "So I lent my friend £7k ..."

AFirst · 02/02/2020 12:23

Glad you have seen sense

LIZS · 02/02/2020 12:24

Does "friend" have some kind of issues, fantasising about some bloke to sweep her off her feet and make everything fit into her ideal lifestyle. She sounds like a 5 year old dreaming of being a princess in a castle! Do not get sucked further in.

SunshineAngel · 02/02/2020 12:26

I haven't read the full thread, so apologies if I've missed something.

I lent 11k to a friend back in 2016, when my financial situation was completely secure enough to allow me to do so.

Things have changed, he has dicked about paying me back, and still owes me 9k after almost 4 years!!!! And I really need the money, and I'm suffering for not having it.

DO NOT DO THIS.

I have also lost a few hundred quid in interest that I would have earned, as it was happily sitting in a decent account. Actually, it might be more than 1k that I've lost.

It is the worst decision I've made in my life.

I lent it him to get him completely out of debt (mortgage arrears, credit cards etc) as he was paying over £100 in interest on his cards alone every month, and not touching the balance. So I agreed to pay it off, and he would pay £400 a month - so he's paying less than he was, I'd get my money back reasonably quickly, within 2 years anyway.

He didn't pay me a penny for 2 years, until my partner nearly hit him over it. The reason for this is that I paid his cards off in September, and he piled on them again at Christmas, buying his two kids all sorts.

It's ruined our friendship and is spoiling my life in many ways.

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 02/02/2020 12:30

Well I’m theory she seems to have found such a character @LIZS
Obviously he’s unaware his child will be leaving its perfectly capable mother to move in with her and her children and she will be taking over the role to reduce his financial obligations but I’ve no doubt he’ll be thrilled to hear all about it in due course

OP posts:
MRex · 02/02/2020 12:35

@Todaythiscouldbe - you are the one who is misinformed, creditors do not confirm debt payment enabling an insolvency practitioner to issue completion certificates within the first year of an IVA after payment of just 1/4 of the debt. More often they end up being held open at the end of the term as they're still resolving PPI. Why even would a financial services company do that when they could claim money and wait in case of a change of circumstances? That would be gross mismanagement of their debt portfolio.

Furrydogmum · 02/02/2020 12:39

Listen to @MRex

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 02/02/2020 12:42

Having typed it all out and read it back a few times I think this is the issue : I like to solve problems. I can’t just sit there and nod sympathetically I like to come up with solutions and then in this case I’ve jumped in without seeing the bigger picture to its natural conclusion.

I’m not going to lend the money because everytime she bought so much as a sandwich it would wind me up

OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 02/02/2020 12:42

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. It is a mess. In her head it isn’t a mess, but she’s living in a fantasy world. You can see that, even if she can’t. You sound like a kind person, but this isn’t your responsibility. You need to walk away from it all.

marriedwithhounds · 02/02/2020 12:44

OP - you sound lovely and generous (maybe a touch naive) and she sounds like she's taking advantage.