Withdrawing the offer of a loan

[ChrissieKeller61]

So very good friend, we’ve lent each other a grand or so over the years both always paid back on time. Complete trust.
She needs £7000 to get out of £28,000 of debt on an Iva.
Currently working full time with kids her life is difficult tbh.
We discussed this, I have about £5,000 I was prepared to lend her which I’ve worked hard for and £2,000 of that is my overdraft, she will cover the charges for when paying me back. Not as though this money is just lying around though.
I want to withdraw the offer and this is why. She’s still spending. This weekend it was another £500 on home improvements. Sensible in theory. But why am I going without and living frugally to help her out when she’s not helping herself.

Never lend ANY money to ANYONE you can’t afford to outright lose. Loan repayments totally change the dynamic of relationships and there is a chance you won’t get the money back from the strongest of friends

Just tell her that you’ve reassessed your finances and realized you can’t afford to lend her any money. Tell her you wish her all the best and leave it there. If she asks for more details or brings it up, just change the subject. It sounds like you have a new project in the pipeline so might be too busy too see much of her for the time being.

I find it odd anyway - you've before loaned a grand to one another? I've never owed or loaned more than about £20 to a friend. She is clearly a poor credit risk in general, so don't lend her more than you can afford to lose.

I'm surprised that you're happy with the fact that her creditors may get only 25% of what she owes them. Would you like it if you had given her the £7K and, in a year's time, she told you you were only getting £1670 back?

That’s between her and them isn’t it @Oulu ?
Given the amount of interest they’ve made out of this couple I’d still say the institutions were up on the deal and given all she wanted was a safe home for her family, not fancy furniture, holidays etc I can’t judge her too harshly. I’m more concerned about other things going through her head like ruining another family some she can go part time tbh

Yes, it is between her and them. But if you make this loan, you won't be able to differentiate between yourself and the institutions if she goes into another IVA or goes bankrupt, and I suspect that if she told you the truth you would find there are other hapless individuals and small businesses to whom she owes money caught up in all this.

As for the fact that "all she wanted was a safe home": she could have achieved that perfectly easily by not buying an unsafe money pit.

We’ve concluded a few pages back I won’t be lending the money.
And no she couldn’t have not bought a money pit, it was all she could afford and when she was trying to rent she was being turned down on affordability due to income and yet these institutions have given them a mortgage, credit cards, overdrafts but they can’t afford rent. It’s so fucked up

But OP, I'm glad you recognise it's not your problem to fix.

Her plan to find a wealthy man on tinder to fund her lifestyle, with the intention of removing any hypothetical children from their mother is absolutely grim. It makes her sound like an utter sociopath.

so have you actually told her that your not lending her the money?

No I haven’t spoken to her since, am trying to lessen contact anyway aside of all this.

But I have as discussed dropped my overdraft down to £500 to remove any temptation and am looking at holidays

Literally for all my faults, and I have many I’ve never seen another woman’s children as a cash cow @NigellaAwesome

OP - I have not read the whole thread but it’s clear you don’t understand the legal position here. Your statement “I could put a charge on her house” is really worrying - NO! That’s not how it works!!!

chrissie not what you want to hear but you do need to tell her you’re not lending her the money.

What way was it left the last time you talked about it? Does she believe that the loan is agreed and is spending money she doesn’t have in the belief that your 7k will be bailing her out in the immediate future?

For your own sanity if that is the case you need to get the conversation over and done with so that you don’t have the stress it hang g over you. All you need to do is call her and say that you can no longer loan her the money as your circumstances have changed. You don’t need to justify it, if she starts gnashing her teeth and wailing demanding to know why, just repeat and rinse, your circumstances have changed and you’re not in a position to lend that money. If she persists in hounding you for reasons (the only reason she’ll be doing this is so she can try to pick holes in your reasoning and guilt you into changing your mind) just tell her that you don’t want to go into it and that it’s your money and you need to prioritise your and your families financial security. If she argues against that she’s a twat (which we know already anyway)

OP you need to tell her asap as she may be already spending the money she thinks she is getting from you. Be kind and don't let her get into a worse mess than she is already. She has to face facts and sort herself out.

I was once told - never lend what you cannot afford to lose. I think you would BVVU to lend her this money given your situation OP.

Your friend is a CF for asking you to get into debt to sort her own debt out

I have no doubt she has already spent what the OP said she’d lend her three times over.

I agree with telling her that she's not getting anything from you (and I know how hard this discussion is to have) as I suspect she's already spent your money in her head

She mentioned something about her budget last night so I can raise it next time we speak
I’m not going out of my way to discuss it.

And I’m just going to be honest and ask her if she’s actually understood the IVA because I don’t think she has at all or she’s been misled into thinking 25% lump sum will clear it after 7 months of payments.

Glad you're not lending it.

You need to tell her soonest so it's behind you.

You can't help how your brain works (the problem solving - mine does the same and your thread has resonated strongly), you can though control how you react to your thoughts (it's a lesson I'm learning!).

Hope all goes well and you get a lovely holiday.

And I’m just going to be honest and ask her if she’s actually understood the IVA because I don’t think she has at all or she’s been misled into thinking 25% lump sum will clear it after 7 months of payments.

Bad idea! She'll talk you round and manipulate and tell you a whole load of codswallop and next thing you'll be writing a thread on moneysavingexpert about you £7k worth of debt, 2 of which has now become very expensive.

You cannot give a person like this any means to open up a discussion. You cannot engage with them at all. Your only response to their moans is perhaps a bit of commiseration. That's it. And 'I can't loan you any money. My circumstances have changed and it's needed elsewhere.' They ask for what, again, 'I can't say, but it's needed elsewhere.' Over and over and over.

This person is a very practised manipulator and you are vulnerable.

Gee she’d be round knocking the door if I blocked her

Of course she would, Chrissie.
This is, after all, the woman who has barely split up with her ex, but already has her sights on a new beau, tellingly described as a "rich man", who she is looking to install in her home, or to install herself in his, so that she has another victim to financially abuse.
Never mind what that does to her children's emotional security, never mind waiting a year or two to make sure the new man is safe & kind around children.
Not only this, but she has hatched a fuckwitted plan to get the Rich Man's kids to move in with them so that she can leech even more money - tell me, has she even mentioned the mother whose life & happiness she is planning to ruin by taking her children away?
Or thought about her own children, & how they will be affected by it?

OP - she is perfectly willing to ruin another woman's life by taking her children from her in order to get her hands on some bloke's cash.
The fact that this is a harebrained scheme with no chance in hell of succeeding is immaterial.
What is material is that she would have no compunction in doing it.
What do you think she is going to do to you when she realises that you are no longer her obedient cash cow?

I think you need a solid plan in place for how you deal with the repercussions, because there will be a backlash & your "friend" is likely to want to punish you.
She is not your friend. She is a financial & emotional abuser, & you know what happens when people finally wake up & start standing up to their abuser.

You 'sound' much firmer in your responses & resolve now.
Please discuss this with your DH & make sure you are both on the same page.
Because once you say no, & she starts knocking on your door demanding reasons (which you do not owe her, not wishing to comply is reason enough), you will see that to her, you only exist to service her wishes, & as soon as you step back from that role, you are going to see a very different "friend".

Enjoy your holiday!

I am another "fixer" and I've found the best thing you can do for people like this is to "help them to help themselves" which is HARD because you want to just do it all yourself!

Reply to her complaints and problems with things like "That sounds really tough - what are you going to do about it?" and then (importantly and the hard bit) offer no solutions yourself. Let things sit in silence uncomfortably if you have to.
Meet any suggestions of "well, I thought you could just give me/lend me...." with "sorry, I don't have any spare cash at all - wish I did! I could do with someone to lend me a couple of grand actually, I'd love a new bathroom/oven/etc..."

Once you make it clear you're being supportive but have no money to lend and expect to hear her thinking of solutions to her own problems, you'll see if shes really a friend or not. If she drops away into silence, then she was just using you as a cashcard and dump for all her stress.

I like that strategy @stormtreader

God no. Do not take yourself in to an overdraft.