Withdrawing the offer of a loan

[ChrissieKeller61]

So very good friend, we’ve lent each other a grand or so over the years both always paid back on time. Complete trust.
She needs £7000 to get out of £28,000 of debt on an Iva.
Currently working full time with kids her life is difficult tbh.
We discussed this, I have about £5,000 I was prepared to lend her which I’ve worked hard for and £2,000 of that is my overdraft, she will cover the charges for when paying me back. Not as though this money is just lying around though.
I want to withdraw the offer and this is why. She’s still spending. This weekend it was another £500 on home improvements. Sensible in theory. But why am I going without and living frugally to help her out when she’s not helping herself.

It's great that you've recognised the root cause of why you're trying to help her @ChrissieKeller61, and you've been very kind to consider it. Do you think you'll be able to switch into being just a sympathetic ear, someone who tries to help people come up with their own solutions (like still spending so much money!)? What would help you to do that?

*stop Not still!!!

Well this weekend I got chatting to another friends sister who is going to help my business by referring someone to me, we had an absolute scream on the phone laughing with each other at experiences we’ve both had. And it was fun.
I want that friendship and I do feel genuinely awful but I would like to divorce the other one, she sucks the joy out of life

You don't need validation from us, but you've got it! Dump fiscally irresponsible friend and see fun, helpful friend!

I’m not going to lend the money because everytime she bought so much as a sandwich it would wind me up

If she even uses the money you lend her to pay off her debts! For all you know, once it's in her account she could spend it elsewhere. I'm glad you've seen sense now, OP. You seem like a really nice, caring person, but you're being taken advantage of by this "friend".

The lives some people lead...

OP, you’re just one person with your own life, responsibilities and needs. It’s not your job to fix other people. Stop getting so involved that you’re even knowledgable enough about their issues you want to fix them. Book a bloody holiday. Expect this “friend” to ditch you. Try to meet new people. Tbh you sound like you despise her so no great loss when she bins you off anyway. You can’t afford to be lady bountiful so don’t try.

@MRex I'm not sure where I said they could or would? Before my current role I worked in insolvency for a long time and, as I said previously, my husband has been in a (now completed) IVA. There absolutely are circumstances in which a full and final settlement would be accepted. If the friend is repaying £7k (or less) of the debt over a 5 year period it could be considered more beneficial to accept the lump sum where circumstances are unlikely to change for the better.

From bitter, bitter experience, someone who is crap with money wont suddenly become sensible with money. They'll just see it as having more money to spend. Trust me. Dont loan her the money. Tell her something has come up and you're going to need it if you want to try to save the friendship.

Wouldn’t lend it .

OP you've had some good financial advice here, but I suggest using some of your savings to get therapy for why you would even consider this in the first place. It's not normal at all to consider going into debt for a feckless friend. Previous posters are correct; you're being exploited by her.

Well done, OP.

It shows that you're a nice person to want to help, but sadly giving money would NOT help. She needs to sort her own finances out.

Remember you are not responsible for fixing other people's problems, and honestly if she was actually a good friend she would never accept the money and refuse you getting into debt on her behalf.

In light of her spending patterns, you would be stupid to lend her this money. The £2,000 is not spare either, it's your over draft. Yes withdraw the offer of the loan. Explain that you cannot go ahead with it now. If she lost her job she would never be able to pay back this £7,000. You should only lend what you can afford to lose. So no, absolutely not.

I’m not going to lend the money because every time she bought so much as a sandwich it would wind me up

Correct... Onwards and upwards OP

Yes! Divorce your friend OP, she just doesn’t give a shit about you. She’d never treat you like a cash machine if she did.

Tell her ASAP and if she kicks off, well it just shows her true colours.

What kind of relationship does she have now with the friend who lent her the deposit money?

I can't imagine they didn't discuss some form of repayment. Does her friend own a share of the house? Someone I know did that for her sibling and it worked well for both of them - one got to invest in an area where prices were guaranteed to rise and the other got to buy immediately after a divorce.

@Todaythiscouldbe - appreciate you say you've moved on, but your story doesn't make sense, insolvency practitioners are not generally awarded licences when they or those with close financial ties (such as a spouse) have gone bankrupt or taken an IVA themselves. In fact most financial services companies do not take on employees with poor credit scores. Having experience of needing an IVA really doesn't make you an expert on the industry.

So again being quite careful as it would identify both parties, the lender is in a good position I think she has a if I get it back I do if I don’t attitude. The lady is well off.
Nothing offical in writing as far as I know.
But in terms of the house it is a shit storm. Ex wants half the equity. But there never was any equity other than what she’s built up by paying the mortgage after he left.

I was sat here this morning thinking of solutions but have decided to just keep my mouth shut tbh

Please 'divorce'/get rid of this so-called friend. She's a user who will never, ever change. Ever. She feels entitled to other peoples' money. Do not engage with her or have an in person conversation with her about this money. It's a no go. As you know, it puts you in debt and come a couple of month, that will be a lot of debt on the overdraft. That would be utterly bammy to do. Just tell her you can't do it, the money has to be committed somewhere else and it's not available anymore. The end. Do not let her talk you round.

You need therapy if you're sitting there still trying to think of solutions to this person who's effectively skiving out of debt due to frivolous spending. That's what this is. She is not paying back the full of what she owes due to living way beyond her means, not life-saving treatment or job loss or having been majorly ill and unable to work, but on shit she cannot afford but feels entitled to.

Don’t lend her a penny .

OP,

You need to stop your trying to fix other people and focus on why YOU want to put yourself in the middle of such a financial shit storm?

You need to explore that.

It reads like you were so needy of this person you would self sabotage your life.

That is SO unhealthy.

Focus on fixing you.
💐

She's basically transferring her debt to you.
That's not fair and not what friends do.

I’m so glad you’ve decided against it. It’s a crazy amount of money to lend someone. If you’re worried about being talked into it, you’d even be better off putting it into your pension or an isa and truthfully telling her you no longer have it. But it sounds like you don’t need an ‘excuse’, glad you will tell her no.

Another thought. Contact your bank tomorrow and ask for your overdraft limit to be reduced to something sensible like £500. That would tide you over if you had an emergency but it would stop you thinking that you have 2K available to spend when you don't.

You got to ask yourself why you have £5,000 in savings while your friend is 28k in debt! It's because your friend has zero impulse control and wants immediate gratification, not going without stuff. Now, I bet you don't buy expensive shiny new things when you have other financial commitments. Time for her to grow the fuck up and sort out her own financial mess.