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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Withdrawing the offer of a loan

325 replies

ChrissieKeller61 · 02/02/2020 09:04

So very good friend, we’ve lent each other a grand or so over the years both always paid back on time. Complete trust.
She needs £7000 to get out of £28,000 of debt on an Iva.
Currently working full time with kids her life is difficult tbh.
We discussed this, I have about £5,000 I was prepared to lend her which I’ve worked hard for and £2,000 of that is my overdraft, she will cover the charges for when paying me back. Not as though this money is just lying around though.
I want to withdraw the offer and this is why. She’s still spending. This weekend it was another £500 on home improvements. Sensible in theory. But why am I going without and living frugally to help her out when she’s not helping herself.

OP posts:
Lunde · 03/02/2020 15:40

DO NOT send her your proposed text about her understanding the IVA etc - because that just encourages her to argue with her. You are still going down the rabbit hole of trying to fix her money problems. She is never going to get it and is still looking for other people (friends, the "rich" guy) to pay for her overspending on luxuries for herself.

I would just send her a simple text saying that you have looked at your finances and you realise that you cannot lend her any money. Don't get into any debates - you don't need to justify to her how you spend your own money.

If you want to be kind to her then I would send the text as soon as possible so that she knows there is no windfall and she has the chance to cut back on her wasteful spending without relying on you to go into debt to bail her out.

She will no doubt try guilt tripping you but you need to stand firm. Remember that anyone who plans to manipulate a child's relationship with her mum and custody in order to make money for herself is really not a very nice person.

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 03/02/2020 16:23

Well spoke to her and she is saving the £6000 ... so I’ve not burst that bubble and just uhuh’d along with it

OP posts:
sonjadog · 03/02/2020 16:43

I would tell her you cannot lend her the money now. I don't think it is very kind to let her continue thinking you are going to lend it when you aren't. Just send her a brief text like mentioned above and be done.

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 03/02/2020 16:48

You missed the bit where I said we’d spoken then @sonjadog

OP posts:
CrimsonCattery · 03/02/2020 16:49

How is she saving the £6k?

PatellarTendonitis · 03/02/2020 16:52

What £6k? The £6k of the £7k she wants from you?

sonjadog · 03/02/2020 16:56

Ah yes. For some reason that didn't come up when I posted. I am glad it is sorted.

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 03/02/2020 17:42

Don’t know and don’t care. Ive stepped off the drama train

OP posts:
Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 03/02/2020 17:43

How she’s saving it I mean

OP posts:
PatellarTendonitis · 03/02/2020 17:45

She is still expecting you to hand her a load of dosh, OP.

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 03/02/2020 17:55

Oh no she’s going to save it herself so I’m just leaving her to it

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 03/02/2020 19:46

How did the conversation go then?x

BumbleBeee69 · 03/02/2020 20:02

Great news OP .. you dodged a financial bullet there lady Flowers

she's not on Mumsnet is she ?? Confused

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 03/02/2020 20:45

Two birds with one stone if she is. But I doubt it she still thinks the full and final will work

OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 03/02/2020 22:51

Glad you got it sorted!

I feel sorry for her, but she needs to sort it out herself.

Oulu · 03/02/2020 23:17

And no she couldn’t have not bought a money pit, it was all she could afford

Of course she could, because she couldn't afford the money pit, could she?

I know you've said no to helping her, but it is a bit worrying that you're still justifying her.

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 04/02/2020 08:01

She couldn’t afford to rent either. @Oulu
It’s not easy for people out there

OP posts:
Oulu · 04/02/2020 08:16

I'm sure it isn't, OP. But that doesn't mean you put yourself in a situation which makes it even less easy for yourself and then expect lots of other people to bail you out.

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 04/02/2020 09:01

I’m not getting into all the ins and outs but a roof over your head isn’t much to ask is it. Everything else was brought on herself and she’ll have to sort that out in due course

OP posts:
fastliving · 05/02/2020 19:05

I really admire your loyalty to your friend op.
I am really glad you decided against lending her the money of course.
But I love the way you are standing up for her in this thread, life isn't black and white, and your friend obviously has lots of good points and is a trier if nothing else!

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 06/02/2020 19:42

Thank you @fastliving

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 06/02/2020 20:03

You have done the right thing. This is a very messy situation and you don't want to be part of it.

laur33nx96 · 06/02/2020 20:08

Hi OP

Firstly I am a debt advisor and I can tell you know she does Not need £5000 for a IVA?!

There are no set up fees for an IVA and it is then a low monthly payment with the first one not needed to be paid for 4-5 weeks?!

Haven't read through whole post yet but just didn't want you to pay out money that doesn't need to be paid xx

Elbeagle · 06/02/2020 20:10

I think you’ve misread laur33nx96. The OP’s friend wants the money as she believes she can fully settle the IVA with £7000, not for setting the IVA up.

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 07/02/2020 08:43

It’s ok, everyone’s been super helpful thank you.

OP posts:
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