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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Withdrawing the offer of a loan

325 replies

ChrissieKeller61 · 02/02/2020 09:04

So very good friend, we’ve lent each other a grand or so over the years both always paid back on time. Complete trust.
She needs £7000 to get out of £28,000 of debt on an Iva.
Currently working full time with kids her life is difficult tbh.
We discussed this, I have about £5,000 I was prepared to lend her which I’ve worked hard for and £2,000 of that is my overdraft, she will cover the charges for when paying me back. Not as though this money is just lying around though.
I want to withdraw the offer and this is why. She’s still spending. This weekend it was another £500 on home improvements. Sensible in theory. But why am I going without and living frugally to help her out when she’s not helping herself.

OP posts:
Frenchw1fe · 02/02/2020 10:43

If your 'friend' has a mortgage any charge on the house would be after the bank has been repaid. So you would probably get zilch.

HeronLanyon · 02/02/2020 10:43

Absolutely wouldn’t do this. Your savings are a cushion for you so you don’t need to go into debt (overdraft charges are now astronomical for every day you are overdrawn).
No way become overdrawn for her.
The charges on any overdraft will mean she owes you even more !
If she’s got into difficulty now and is spending unwisely now then surely that’s your answer. She can’t be trusted to be responsible with YOUR money.
Doesn’t mean she’s not close friend or that you don’t trust that’s he would mean to pay you back etc.
Do not do it ! Explain it to her properly

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 02/02/2020 10:44

Not claim benefits but if the children live with her then this fictional Prince Charming wouldn’t have to pay child support @SummerWhisper

OP posts:
Hadtoask · 02/02/2020 10:45

Absolutely not and she is not a friend to suggest you doing this. Awful behaviour. If you do this the friendship is over anyway so maybe think about it from that perspective. You may be able to offer her more in the way of friendship if you steer clear of getting involved in her financial mess.
I wish I had been given good advice years ago. I got caught out and am very bitter!

jaffaeclipse · 02/02/2020 10:49

No, don't lend her the money - especially as it means you going into debt.

SpamChaudFroid · 02/02/2020 10:50

I'm so glad you've changed your mind about lending your friend this money OP. A true friend would not ask you to put yourself in such a financially precarious position. They would be aware that anything could happen before they've paid you back, (illness, death even).

I had similar a few years ago - I loaned a 'friend' a few thousand, then they asked for 2 huge loans which I refused. The loan wasn't paid back (or even mentioned by them again!). They eventually paid it back when I informed them the next step was small claims court. We no longer speak.

What you've written about your 'friend's' mindset (seeing a partner as a source of cash) seems similar to the person I loaned money to.

messolini9 · 02/02/2020 10:53

Every penny spent was on home improvements for this absolute money pit her and her partner bought. So not like she had holidays or plastic surgery and if she didn’t pay it back I could put a charge on the house, but that’s all by the by isn’t it

Who suggested the charge on the house OP?
Surprise me - it was your friend, who thinks she can come to a F&F settlement after a month of IVA talks, who chose to buy a money-pit, seems to either misunderstand or misrepresent her IVA arrangement, & is happy for you to use all YOUR hard-earned savings & put YOU into overdraft?

What do you think will happen when she reneges on paying you back - or fails to cover YOUR 40% interest charge on the overdraft SHE expects you to provide for her?

Will you feel able to enforce your charge against her house, forcing her to sell up? Even if you were to do that (& I'm guessing not, how many of us could, & you are a bit of a soft touch around this friend) - would you expect her to stay friends with you, or blame you for "making her lose her home"?

When you say no - & you must say no, this is a ridiculous scheme - do you expect her to stay friends with you, or is she likely to go all pass-agg offended & drop you?

Either way, you are going to lose a friend.
You may as well choose the option that doesn't also leave you up financial shit creek.

Longwhiskers14 · 02/02/2020 10:57

I think the fact your gut instinct is to withdraw the loan speaks volumes, OP. Why can't she ask her family for help?

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 02/02/2020 11:01

Literally no family @Longwhiskers14 again don’t want to be too outting but she has nobody. I actually forgot she owes another friend a few thousand but that friend can afford it to be fair to her and had said no rush to pay it back but I’d forgotten about that loan. That was the 5% deposit on the house and of course the husband wants half of that. It’s a mess.

OP posts:
Melvinsmum2020 · 02/02/2020 11:02

Your in an abusive relationship with her.

Most definitely - you really do need to distance yourself from this person, you shouldn’t feel guilty for going on a holiday and not lending her money, your finances are yours, hers finances are hers/partners.

For context, at almost 60 I have never once been asked to lend a friend money. I have lived in various places in the UK since I was 18, with decent jobs since 21, had many friends in that time, but never ever been asked to lend money. I am pretty sure that my young adult DC would run a mile if asked to lend a friend money and certainly wouldn’t feel guilty about it. It’s about boundaries and what is acceptable in a friendship.

Could you use your money for some counselling to explore why you feel the need to help her, and guilt when you don’t?

Knittedfairies · 02/02/2020 11:06

I'm relieved that you decided not to lend the money; never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

CakeandCustard28 · 02/02/2020 11:11

I actually forgot she owes another friend a few thousand but that friend can afford it to be fair to her and had said no rush to pay it back but I’d forgotten about that loan. That was the 5% deposit on the house and of course the husband wants half of that. It’s a mess.

Shock Even more of a reason why you’re right not to lend her a penny! I would honestly just send her text saying no and get it out of the way now and move on with your life. Maybe go book that holiday you clearly deserve. Grin

Serin · 02/02/2020 11:15

Do you have a DH or DC??
She will probably make a move on them next, given your updates.
Are you afraid of her?

messolini9 · 02/02/2020 11:16

I want a holiday and I’ll literally have to sneak off to have it

This is so many kinds of wrong I barely know where to start.

Because your friend & her DH decided to buy a property which they could not afford to do up, you feel you cannot legitimately enjoy your own life?

Who has been feeding you this bullshit, dear OP?
Are you struggling with your own confidence & self esteem, or has your friend been manipulating you for so long that you are desensitised to how demanding she is being, to expect you to take on financial responsibility for her poor planning?

There have been times in my life when I was earning excellent money. I've also had a couple of years where due to ill-health, I was 1 letter away from having my home repossessed. At no point did my friends begrudge me my earning power. At no point in my frightening penury did I begrudge them theirs, or make them feel I resented their holidays etc. Why would I? - that's not how it works with REAL friends.

Please have a re-think, not just about this daft loan notion, but the whole dynamic of this relationship with your demanding friend, because on the face of it, she is coming over as a spoiled CF.

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 02/02/2020 11:16

Oh goodness no @Serin I know you’re all going to roll your eyes but my ex husband always hated her

OP posts:
Thehop · 02/02/2020 11:16

She’s a shorty person and a terrible friend OP.

Thehop · 02/02/2020 11:17

Shitty not shorty

messolini9 · 02/02/2020 11:18

@ElsieMc Flowers

I am so sorry your DD is in this mess in the first place, & is causing you such grief, worry & frustration.

SerendipityJane · 02/02/2020 11:18

I actually forgot she owes another friend a few thousand but that friend can afford it to be fair

So you "forgot" that someone coming to you for £7,000 under very iffy circumstances also owes "a few thousand" to another friend ?

Your friend sounds a bit dim and manipulative to be honest. And I suspect she selects her "friends" with some degree of care. Especially as I have a feeling we might have a post not too long in the future where a poster lent their friend "a few thousand" to clear a debt and now because it's going to take longer to pay back ....

Runnerduck34 · 02/02/2020 11:19

Yanbu, very kind to offer to lend her the money but it's very high risk, you may need the money yourself, you definitely shouldn't get into debt yourself to help her and there is a real chance she may not pay you back and it could out strain in your friendship.
Honestly you can't police her spending , if it was £500 to repair something or replace an essential item then thats understandable, if it was £10 on a new cushion to give her a lift then I think that's also fine. But continued spending on luxuries when she's trying to get out of an iva by using your money isn't.

Standrewsschool · 02/02/2020 11:22

Another example of extremely poor money management.
I imagine the other friend pretends she is okay with the outstanding loan, but underneath is seething.

Withdraw the offer. Don’t be emotionally blackmailed into giving it. Her debts are not your responsibilty. If you have to lie, ie. car needs replacing, roof needs repairing, new boiler etc.

LilyPinkNoah · 02/02/2020 11:24

You are far too kind and generous for your own good. She’s not a friend . She’s a toxic leech on your finances and mental health! Plus she is damaging your relationship with your husband and reducing your happiness!

You don’t owe her a life or a living. Look after yourself and your family.

Genevieva · 02/02/2020 11:26

Your savings are your safety net. You need to keep that money so that if you find yourself in difficulty, it can tide you over. She needs to be responsible for her own debt.

You don't have to explain why you have changed your mind and, if you feel the need to, you can make up whatever story you like. Say you spoke to your bank and they advised against it. Say something has come up and you can't afford to lend her the money any more.

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 02/02/2020 11:27

When you see it all written down in black and white, she could never afford the house in the first place. She knew the relationship was over. She’s wasted a fortune on repairs and if she didn’t own the house she would be getting support with rent via universal credits I guess.
She needs to reach this conclusion by herself I know. The worst part of it is it’s a awful house in and awful area. She wants to work part time and probably should.
Bankruptcy doesn’t sound too bad an option does it ?

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 02/02/2020 11:28

Disentangle yourself from financial conversations. I'd text her so she can't guilt trip you. She's obviously good at dragging people into being response her money if she's got two friends to lend her money.

"Df, I've had a good think about lending you that money and I've taken financial advice too as it's a massive amount to me. I won't be able to lend it to you, I know as friends you want the best for me to. See you soon"