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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Withdrawing the offer of a loan

325 replies

ChrissieKeller61 · 02/02/2020 09:04

So very good friend, we’ve lent each other a grand or so over the years both always paid back on time. Complete trust.
She needs £7000 to get out of £28,000 of debt on an Iva.
Currently working full time with kids her life is difficult tbh.
We discussed this, I have about £5,000 I was prepared to lend her which I’ve worked hard for and £2,000 of that is my overdraft, she will cover the charges for when paying me back. Not as though this money is just lying around though.
I want to withdraw the offer and this is why. She’s still spending. This weekend it was another £500 on home improvements. Sensible in theory. But why am I going without and living frugally to help her out when she’s not helping herself.

OP posts:
Tombliwho · 02/02/2020 10:22

Are you quite vulnerable OP? Only it sounds like you've been used a lot as their financial back up and the things the say to justify it sound quite manipulative and you are made to feel guilty when a lot of people wouldn't tolerate this at all Sad Can you tell someone in real life like a family member or something just so someone else has your back here?

TurtleTop · 02/02/2020 10:22

Would you ask a friend to risk that kind of money (and actually going into debt themselves) for you? No real friend would do that. She is not your friend.

Elbeagle · 02/02/2020 10:22

I genuinely can’t imagine having the gall to ask a friend to lend me money.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 02/02/2020 10:22

You'd be insane to lend the money in these circustances. It sounds as though your relationship is rather unhealthy if you would feel you would have to hide the fact you are going on holiday. Would you be able to distance yourself from her for a while and seem if she is sticking by the terms of the IVA?

SUBisYodrethwhenLarping · 02/02/2020 10:25

Blame the banks for putting the interest rate up on overdrafts if you want an excuse.

I would feel the same as you if you are scrimping and saving but she is still buying "stuff"

New roof if it has a leak is different but more "stuff" is really wrong of her IMHO

sonjadog · 02/02/2020 10:26

It does sound like she has been playing you, OP. Remember that she and her husband chose to buy a damp, fixer-upper of a house knowing that her children have asthma and it would need a lot of money. I am a chronic asthmatic and I have chosen the places where I live with that in mind. She hasn't been placed in a difficult situation by a serious of unfortunate circumstances, she has been placed here by her own choices.

Also, never ever go into debt for someone else.

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 02/02/2020 10:27

I think I have got a bit sucked in with it all. I don’t want to be too outting or bitchy about someone behind their back BUT lol
Her husband has moved out and the main criteria for the new man she’s hoping to find on tinder is that his circumstances work so that she can go part time. She’s even talking about having other women’s children live with her to increase the amount of disposable income available to the father of these children - this is all in her head - but it shows the mind set. She would actually want children to live without their mother to benefit her position.

I want a divorce 😭

OP posts:
ElsieMc · 02/02/2020 10:27

Wow Melvinsmum what a lovely character you are. Whatever the mistakes of DD, I wont see her kids go short nor does her sister.

I was offering advice to the op as someone who has been in a difficult situation, its not for you to judge or police others on the thread. My situation is why the op should not lend the money and the steps our family has taken to avoid facilitating it.

curiousierandcouriser · 02/02/2020 10:29

@ChrissieKeller61

For future reference, you may want to read up on how IVAs and other debt consolidation services work in case she comes back to you with something else. This sounds as though she is either lying and taking advantage of your lack of knowledge OR she really doesn't understand it herself. The more you know...

PeppermintPasty · 02/02/2020 10:29

Please be careful of this friend. You sound lovely, but there is no obligation on you at all to do this or anything similar for her. I’m glad you’re not going to lend her the money, but your relationship with her sounds really unhealthy. I have read through all of this thread thinking that this says more interesting things about where your head is at, to me she just sounds like she is taking pure advantage of your loyalty.

I agree about people pleasing, and feeling responsible for ‘sorting out’ things for people. It can make you feel as if you have a purpose in their/your life. I speak from experience.

This isn’t the way. Please put yourself first in all things when it comes to this friend. Absolutely nothing wrong with doing that.

Bluetrews25 · 02/02/2020 10:29

Just tell her you have taken financial advice and found that this would be a really bad move for the both of you, it will complicate the IVA etc.
You have a kind heart, very nearly too kind.

oblada · 02/02/2020 10:30

Only lend money you can afford to lose. We lent some friends 1000. Could have stretched it to 2k if they needed it. But that's because we had 10k in savings and we're alright generally. I would never lent 7k esp if it goes into overdraft, that's madness! What if you need to spend unexpectedly? We just spent almost 3k on car repairs that we had not accounted for and indeed would never had expected but it needed to be done.

babbi · 02/02/2020 10:30

You would be crazy to lend this money ...

notsosureatwork · 02/02/2020 10:32

Do not lend her the money, you don't have it to give.

Frenchw1fe · 02/02/2020 10:32

I've lent money to my dc, very different I know. But I wrote the loan out and made him sign to say he agreed. My dc is really trustworthy too but it's just sensible.
So if you do lend money always get it in writing.
If the person borrowing is offended then they don't really need the money because sure as heck the bank would make them sign for a loan.

eddielizzard · 02/02/2020 10:34

OMG you were going to use your overdraft Shock Just think seriously about what kind of friend would happily allow another friend to go into debt, with seriously high interest rates, for them. Especially when they have absolutely no intention of paying back the debt they already have. I don't see why this company would say 'oh you've paid back 7k so we'll forget the other 21k' Confused.

There is very unhealthy codependence here. You're almost taking on the role of parent, except as a parent I wouldn't be doing this for my adult child.

You aren't going to lend this to her, which is really good news. But you need to seriously examine this friendship and why you feel you have to sacrifice yourself to it. Are you scared that if you don't the friendship is over? In which case she's using you. Do you think if you went on holiday she'd resent you and not feel happy for you having some much deserved fun? In which case she's not a good friend. In all scenarios I can think of, this friend isn't actually a friend.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 02/02/2020 10:34

Just keep all of that in mind and refuse to go along with her demands.

You can see she is in a very messed up place, much of her won making. You can't dig her out, she can, howver, drag you in! You can see how she thinks when she is desperate! You can't afford to be her lifeline... believe that and stay safe!

TheHonestTruth100 · 02/02/2020 10:35

This is mad OP. Lending a person 5k of money that you have is pushing it. Lending them 2k of money you DON'T have is nuts! I wouldn't even do that for family!

You don't have the money to lend her and that is that! If you're in the UK as well, the banks are gradually introducing massive ~40% overdraft interest rates one by one as well. You could get fucked over very quickly.

YappityYapYap · 02/02/2020 10:35

The £7k will just go as a lump sum into her IVA then they will still expect her to pay X amount a month for another 5 years or so. If she's going to kid on that she sold you something for £5k, the IVA company will ask why she didn't list it as an asset on her IVA form.

They haven't agreed that she pays £7k to this IVA and it will be settled. They have agreed that her disposable income over a set amount of time will be £7k so that is what she will pay. However, if she 'sells assets', that gets taken into account and goes to further pay the debt, not settle it.

She sounds very silly to be honest. She'd be better off actually looking into it properly and working out her options instead of trying to get the money off someone else and getting them into debt! She won't be able to repay you because she will need to keep paying the IVA every month after the lump sum.

If I was in an IVA and wanted to hand them £7k, they would say thank you very much, we will let the creditors know an asset was sold and they will all receive a bonus payment! Either that or they will put her in contempt of the IVA for not declaring she had an asset to sell. They won't just take the £7k and close her IVA! That isn't how it works. An IVA is for a set amount of time. She isn't in the position where it's full and final settlements with her creditors as she's entered into an IVA and the creditors have to abide by it if they agreed their debt was to be included in the IVA. Her or the creditors doing get to decide how much she repays. You wouldn't get to full and final settle £28k of debt for £7k anyway only a year or so into things. That would be expecting them all to settle for 25%. Would never happen!

Drum2018 · 02/02/2020 10:36

I agree with everyone else - do not lend her any money, not even a couple of hundred. From now on never consider lending money. It's yours, you worked for it, you saved it, you do not have to use it to bail others out just because they have not spent wisely. Even if you had £100k in savings, you don't ever have to lend a fiver! And please stop discussing your own financial situation with her or anyone. That is an open invitation for people to come begging when they can't be arsed to save themselves. She has a fucked up attitude to financial responsibility.

You do not need to apologise or make excuses when you tell her that the loan is off the table. You simply say that after giving it much more thought you are not in a position to lend the money to her. Don't get into a discussion. Just keep saying you are not in a position to lend any money.

TARSCOUT · 02/02/2020 10:36

Divorce granted (with no financial settlement)

CakeandCustard28 · 02/02/2020 10:38

To be honest OP, it might do you good to cut this friend off. If that’s her mindset along with expecting you just to give £7000 to her (because that’s what you’d be doing saying it was for an item) and having to hide going on holiday from her... she sounds quite toxic.

WaggleWiggle · 02/02/2020 10:40

Totally agree that you shouldn’t be using your overdraft and hard-earned savings to pay the debts of someone who isn’t responsible with her money. You’re clearly very kind though.

SummerWhisper · 02/02/2020 10:40

@ChrissieKeller61 just on your last post, it seems that she is off the scale weird.

-She intends to find a wealthy enough boyfriend through tinder to enable her to work part time?
-She intends to claim child benefit for other women's children in order to improve her lifestyle?

She is financially abusive and that includes to you. Steer clear. She sounds unhinged.

cakeandchampagne · 02/02/2020 10:42

You are not financially secure enough to loan her the money, and even if you were, it is a bad idea!
I think you need to examine your relationship with money and your relationship with her.