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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH taking DD food shopping?

178 replies

Andersonx3 · 01/02/2020 12:17

My DD is 11 weeks old. I'm on maternity leave, DH works full time. DD is going through a growth spurt and is very fussy, constantly crying and needs to be held. I have said to DH that I'm drained and don't want to go food shopping today, he said we need to. We do need food but there's enough in to last until tomorrow. He said I'm being unreasonable so I suggested he take DD and do it on his own whilst I take a nice bath. He's absolutely lost it saying I can't expect him to do that. AIBU??

OP posts:
CatFaceCats · 01/02/2020 15:36

Sorry but I wouldn’t want to take a grumpy, unsettled baby to the supermarket either.
I’d have said either he goes on his own, or I’d have (and usually did!) happily offered to go on my own and he takes over baby duties.
But that rarely happened as we have Tesco deliveries which make it so much easier!

CorneliusBeefington · 01/02/2020 15:38

Presumably it's not about what the task is, it's the fact that the DH would refuse to do anything with the baby unless OP is there as default parent.

Don't be me, my ex didn't take our dd out solo until she was 2 years old. 2 YEARS.

This. My DH was shit, it made me doing anything impossible because every time the baby squeaked/farted/coughed/blinked he went "he wants you" handed the baby to me and that was that. It really drove a wedge between us for a long time because he had his down time (and went off to work) and I never got a minute to myself.

He needs to learn to settle the baby himself without you always being there to take over.

The food shop is probably not the hill I'd choose to die on this week as like you've said, takeaway and then order online, but he absolutely needs to be capable and confident with your DD and the only way he'll achieve that is by practice.

BertieBotts · 01/02/2020 15:38

It's not a waste of time together for him to spend some of that time doing something nice to support you so that you can get what you need.

Smudgymoo · 01/02/2020 15:43

Why couldn’t you have gone with dd during the week? You’re on mat leave?

Embracelife · 01/02/2020 15:50

Do online delivery. Why would you go food shopping when there is another way to do it?
But yes at 11 weeks he can take her out in between feeds for two hours

Yesterdayforgotten · 01/02/2020 15:51

Smudgymoo you dont know how op is feeling. Life isnt so black and white.

SnoozyLou · 01/02/2020 16:02

Why couldn’t you have gone with dd during the week? You’re on mat leave?

Just because OP is on maternity leave doesn't mean shopping, or for that matter taking care of the baby is her sole responsibility.

crustycrab · 01/02/2020 16:02

Where on earth are you @GreenTulips? The outer Hebrides? Shock

BertieBotts · 01/02/2020 16:09

Or possibly not in the UK at all? We live outside of the UK and online delivery isn't really a thing here.

crustycrab · 01/02/2020 16:10

Must be. 4 weeks in advance at midnight for a slot? And only one choice of supermarket.

Yesterdayforgotten · 01/02/2020 16:13

'FoamingAtTheUterus

If she's breastfed and cluster feeding I can seehis.pointtbh........can't you go and sit in the cafe with a cake, drink and trashy mag whilst he does the shopping with the baby ? That way you get a break and your boobs there if needed'

Not much of a break though is it. OP needs her dh to just take the baby out for acouple of hours not build the great wall of China... women are supposed to go out alone with baby and dont get a choice so why cant the men do it..
Honestly Hmm

anothernotherone · 01/02/2020 16:18

No online grocery shopping where I live (at all unless you're in a very big city - not even booked four weeks in advance as the crescent moon rises on the second Sunday of the month by a priestess of the hearth over the body of a freshly sacrificed goat...)

That makes it all the more surprising to me that people who do have the option - as nearly everyone in the UK does - and have small children, don't use and appreciate the wonder of ordering groceries online!

notacooldad · 01/02/2020 16:25

If my DH demanded I take a grumpy baby food shopping while he stayed home to wallow in the bath he'd be told to fuck right off. Whoever stays home looks after the baby surely

Maybe sometimes but why not let OP have an hour or so break without the baby. It kills two birds with three birds with one stone, OP gets a break, the shopping is done and DH has time to get used to being by himself with the baby.

theendoftheendoftheend · 01/02/2020 16:26

I can see why he would find the prospect daunting. I don't think this argument is uncommon for new parents.

Thymelord · 01/02/2020 16:34

Men are going backwards, wtf are raising such useless tossers

Yup.

The next generation are no doubt being raised by the people on this thread that think that the poor dear can't be expected to take his own kid to the shop. Something women do in their millions every day.

Drabarni · 01/02/2020 16:40

Thymelord

it's ridiculous, even during the 80's and 90's men could cope with their own baby. I don't think men are into families these days, maybe spent all their childhood with others and not being parented.
This is why they end up useless. Then the next generation of wives come on here moaning about how shit their partners are whilst allowing their own kids to be raised the same. Grin

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 01/02/2020 16:41

Please don't blame mothers,they are grown men who can make their own choices and are responsible for their own behaviour.

RedWine123 · 01/02/2020 16:45

Yanbu. There is no good reason that he can’t take her to the supermarket.

notacooldad · 01/02/2020 16:52

t's ridiculous, even during the 80's and 90's men could cope with their own baby. I don't think men are into families these days, maybe spent all their childhood with others and not being parented

I agree with your first part, that 80;s and 90's men could cope with their own baby. I posted earlier that my DH did and still does the shopping. We both did the ironing , got the kids ready for school , made tea, etc etc. DH is just about 60 years old and he modeled what he saw in his family home, mum and dad both pulling their weight, both having equal down time and both parents enjoying family time. I witnessed exactly the same thing.
Our son's are now young adults. They too have copied what they see. They clean, shop, make sure there is enough loo roll , shower gel etc is in their house and so on. I'm not saying they are perfect, DS1 is a moody bugger at times but he is not selfish and lazy.
All this nonsense about how it is daunting for dad to take his kid out is utter bollocks!

Bluerussian · 01/02/2020 16:54

You can sometimes get a same day delivery from the Co op:
quickshop.coop.co.uk/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIjOmKueiw5wIVgbHtCh1ecA23EAAYASAAEgK0lPD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

Home delivery of groceries is the way forward.

You are not at all unreasonable to want a bit of time to yourself. Your husband is scared but he'll learn.

yeraballoon · 01/02/2020 17:05

@bluebluezoo there are places in Scotland where you wouldn't he able to get a supermarket delivery at all.

Original poster
Andersonx3 · 01/02/2020 22:05

A loooot of people missing the point here but I appreciate all points of view and opinions.

The point is that he was pushing to go shopping when I said I didn't fancy it through exhaustion and fussy baby. He said he didn't think she'd be a problem so I suggested if that were his view then why not take her on his own.

Some very good advice here, not related to food shopping, which I'll definitely take on board about creating time for me and ensuring they have some father/daughter time alone. He does spend time with her, don't get me wrong, but I'm always there or in the next room.

Thanks everyone!

PS - currently in the bath with a beer after a takeaway pizza whilst DH settles DD for bed Smile

OP posts:
Yesterdayforgotten · 01/02/2020 22:30

I'm so pleased you have at least got your bath op and a beer! Def will do your dh good to have time just with the baby and for you to stay home and relax or go out if you're up to it. The exhaustion is so tough, my dc was never the sleep all of the time easy baby either! Currently have newborn dc2 and I forgot how tired I was the first time around! I do know in those early weeks with dc1 a little time on my own with somebody taking baby out would have certainly been required. I think it does you good to not hear baby crying or fussing in the next room or floor. Have a lovely night 🍺

HypatiaCade · 02/02/2020 00:10

About 2 weeks before DS2 was born I suddenly started remembering some of the 'not so fun' elements of birth and having an infant. Oh my goodness, the sheer, utter exhaustion - a combination of lack of sleep and having an (adorable) limpet attached to me so I never got either a physical or emotional break.

But, it gradually gets better, and some of the worse elements fade from your mind.

As long as you recognise what you need, make it clear to your DH, and he's a good guy and listens, it will be ok. You need to re-evaluate all the things you've 'just done' because they might not work for you anymore, and your DH won't know unless you make it clear.

But it sounds like he's involved, and apart from the first moment of 'why the hell are you changing plans on me now?!' Reaction from him it sounds as though he's stepped up, so that's really great.

nachthexe · 02/02/2020 00:36

Just a small point - if she takes bottles, why are you the only one ever on the night shift?

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