DH taking DD food shopping?

[Andersonx3]

My DD is 11 weeks old. I'm on maternity leave, DH works full time. DD is going through a growth spurt and is very fussy, constantly crying and needs to be held. I have said to DH that I'm drained and don't want to go food shopping today, he said we need to. We do need food but there's enough in to last until tomorrow. He said I'm being unreasonable so I suggested he take DD and do it on his own whilst I take a nice bath. He's absolutely lost it saying I can't expect him to do that. AIBU??

Has he taken her outby himself yet? For me personally i was shit scared to take our little one out by myself for the first time but you just have to do it! Our little one is only a few weeks older than yours, soon as she gets in the car seat she settles down and loves being out

Perhaps he doesn't want to take your unsettled daughter shopping whereas if you were both there one of you could settle her. Personally it drives me mad when whole families go shopping, just why?
Get him to pick the shopping up on the way home and then take your daughter out for a while.

You're not being unreasonable at all but at the same time I understand his reluctance. If the baby is going through a fussy phase it might make shopping difficult. I used to hate shopping with my very fussy baby.

If she's breastfed and cluster feeding I can see his.point tbh........can't you go and sit in the cafe with a cake, drink and trashy mag whilst he does the shopping with the baby ? That way you get a break and your boobs there if needed.

Most supermarkets have trolleys where you can put the car seat above it. He's a selfish sod.

OP, you've told him that you're exhausted, don't want to do something and he's not hearing a word of it. This is about a whole load more than shopping.

In the kindest way, you need to start the way you mean to go on here. He may be at work but he gets to leave the house, sleep at night, have adult company and do things on his terms - something you completely lose as a mum with a newborn.

He needs to be giving you a break. And listening to you. You need to stop "asking" for help, and demanding it. Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint, and when there are two of you, it needs to be shared as a team.

If my DH demanded I take a grumpy baby food shopping while he stayed home to wallow in the bath he'd be told to fuck right off. Whoever stays home looks after the baby surely?

He should be able to take his child shopping but if he doesn't want to he can do the shopping on his own on his way home and then take the baby out in the pram whilst you have a relax. I went out shopping for an hour the other day leaving ebf baby at home with DH. It's more important for you to have a break from the baby than it is to spent every available moment with your DH.

@JRUIN OP is on maternity leave, she is probably with the baby constantly and maybe wants an hour to herself. Not unreasonable to expect her DH to take their baby out for a little while. Not necessarily shopping though.

We have a 2 year old and gave up food shopping long ago. Tesco have just been. Ordering online is slightly more expensive, but in terms of saving sanity, it's priceless.

If my DH demanded I take a grumpy baby food shopping while he stayed home to wallow in the bath he'd be told to fuck right off. Whoever stays home looks after the baby surely?

This.

Get your shopping delivered. I don't understand why people insist on wandering round supermarkets when you can have a nice delivery person turn up with it all at your door.

Got better things to do with my time.

And no, I don't think you're being unreasonable. If he wants to go shopping, he can.

Ordering online is slightly more expensive, but in terms of saving sanity, it's priceless

I don't find online ordering more expensive? Surely tesco is the same price in store and online?

I use the free delivery slots (saving petrol money), and find it easier more cost effective as a) I don't end up with lots of impulse buys and b) it's easy to find offers online or compare brands to find the cheapest. Plus the one I use price match so I often get an email saying I've saved £5 compared to tesco, or a voucher for the difference.

The bottom line here is that he cannot force you to go shopping when you are wiped out. If he thinks he can, your marriage is in desperately bad shape.

I can also see why he doesn’t want to take her shopping on his own; it’s very stressful shopping with a newborn who’s likely to wake up and start screaming the place down at any minute, and if she’s in that zone at the moment, neither of you should be putting yourselves through that, if there are any alternatives - and there are.

As others have said, there are solutions. He does the shop on his own on the way home. You get an online delivery tomorrow. The problem seems to be his fixation on “making the most of” the time you have together, even if what you’re doing is going to make you all extremely miserable.

He needs to understand that routines sometimes have to change with a very young baby. He needs to understand that doing something that’s just too much for you is not “making the most of” the limited time you have together. He also needs to understand that he does not have the right to insist on you doing something you’re really not up to doing, and which could be avoided. He doesn’t get to make your decisions for you. That veers into controlling, abusive territory.

Tell him you don’t care if he does the shop on his own, or with DD, or not at all because you’ll get a delivery tomorrow instead, but the one thing that is certain is that you are not going shopping today. If he doesn’t accept that... you have a problem.

I don't understand why people insist on wandering round supermarkets when you can have a nice delivery person turn up with it all at your door

Ohhh let me explain. One supermarket available. Online is possible if booked 3/4 weeks in advance at Midnight - otherwise there aren’t any slots and staying up to midnight isn’t an option. You can forget it at Christmas!!

Nice you’re all cosy not wondering round supermarkets but some of us don’t have the choice.

AND for the record I dislike the ‘family supermarket shop’ ‘quality time’ crap.

Your DH either needs to do a quick shop on his way home and go tomorrow or take the baby.

Ohhh let me explain. One supermarket available. Online is possible if booked 3/4 weeks in advance at Midnight - otherwise there aren’t any slots and staying up to midnight isn’t an option. You can forget it at Christmas!!

One supermarket? Where do you live? Even my mum in very rural yorkshire has the choice of sainsburys/morrisons/tesco, just not ocado or waitrose. I have set up a repeat booking, same day and time every fortnight, and edit a couple of days before, same at christmas. Then she just goes to the village shop for top ups.

I don't do online shopping. I'm fussy and like to choose my own meat/fruit/veg, plus every time I've done an online shop without fail there's at least one item that was unavailable with a replacement that's nowhere near similar, so I end up having to go out to the shops anyway.

@newname12 We have a big Lidl just down the road, and did find them cheaper on a lot of things, but then there are things they don't sell, like our cat's brand of food, so then you'd have to go elsewhere for that, and nappies, and bread, and the gravy we like, and washpowder, and ah forget it! If you factor in time you spend messing around, or even just petrol, it isn't worth it.

Maybe he's like my Dad, completely incapable of doing anything on his own,without demanding my mum goes to.

It's all about if he's got to do something then so does she, but yeah he is an arsehole as well

@JRUIN OP is on maternity leave, she is probably with the baby constantly and maybe wants an hour to herself. Not unreasonable to expect her DH to take their baby out for a little while. Not necessarily shopping though.

I'm not saying OP's DH shouldn't take over childcare to allow her some freetime. Does he never do that then? If not then that needs addressing. But food shopping on a Saturday is a nightmare in itself let alone with a screaming baby!

Just wait till he comes in, hand baby over and say you’re going for a bath and quickly jump in before he has time to even think about it. Not fair that he’s not taken over baby duties and given you a rest.

Tell him you don’t care if he does the shop on his own, or with DD, or not at all because you’ll get a delivery tomorrow instead, but the one thing that is certain is that you are not going shopping today. If he doesn’t accept that... you have a problem.

This!!!

Book a click and collect, baby stays in car (easier to manage), very little time spent at supermarket.

Sorry your OH is being precious OP.

I ebh and never once needed to feed my daughter during a supermarket shop.Just put the baby carrier sideways on the shopping trolley.
On line food deliveries hadn't started in those days but other online shopping had and I made the most of it.

You're being told your place. He is not interested in being a dad. Sorry.