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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be in awe of single parents

156 replies

Warsawa31 · 31/01/2020 19:09

Hi,
I’ve spent a week looking after my 9 month old daughter as my wife away with work.
We usually split baby care 70/30 with my wife doing most of it.

I am knackered lol , she is what you would deem an easy baby and there is only one of her.

I’ve spent the week thinking about single parents and how hard it must be to do this alone day in day out.

Just a massive doth of my cap to any single parents out there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Warsawa31 · 31/01/2020 20:43

@justanothergrumblebum

I was tired just reading your last post.

I fear that whatever I say will just piss you off more, but, genuinely, I wish All the best to you

OP posts:
Teacaketotty · 31/01/2020 20:47

I think you seem like a nice person OP who genuinely appreciates his wife all the more, that can only be a good thing. We could all learn something from spending some time in each other’s shoes to get a small glimpse of what other people face as everyone has struggles!

Best of luck to YOU OP and your family!

funinthesun19 · 31/01/2020 20:48

Friday night MN 😂😂😂😂

OP = tries to be nice

MN = fuck you OP!

Grin In a nutshell!

As soon as I saw the thread title I knew someone was going to be aggressively offended Grin It did not prove me wrong.

The op meant well everyone. Chill the fuck out!

Moominmammaatsea · 31/01/2020 20:54

@justanothergrumblebum, oh come on, give the OP a break! I hear you because I’ve parented two kids totally solo for more than a decade. I’m not an apologiser or minimiser for inadequate men (or other partners of whichever gender/sex orientation). Both my children are adopted, one of them has a severe disability, and each of them is affected massively by their pre-birth experiences (think drug and alcohol abuse in the womb, topped up by extreme domestic violence and general chaos and dysfunction etc) but, generally speaking, I read horrific threads on here most days and thank my lucky stars that I’m not co-parenting with many of the ‘so-called normal’ fathers or co-parents who perpetrate such horrible influences and punishments on their domestic partners and children (I’m thinking of coercive control and financial abuse and emotional and physical abuse) and I feel lucky that I am the only - positive - influence in my children’s lives.

Mummyscrewedup · 31/01/2020 20:56

I'm a single parent with very limited support and two SEN children. I absolutely don't rock it, my house looks like an F5 has been through it, I just shouted at my 3 year old, my dinner has consisted of a chocolate muffin and two share bags of buttons. Yes we survive but nothing is ever done well, it's always just about good enough. I hate the "I don't know How you do it" comments because I don't, we just about survive.

Nothing2doooooo · 31/01/2020 21:03

You don't "rock" only when things are perfect. You rock because you do what you can with what you have.

Since when did genuine compliments become a bad thing?Confused

Moondancer73 · 31/01/2020 21:05

Actually, as a single parent I'm going to say Thankyou for a bit of recognition for just how hard it really is. My kids are grown now - both officially adults - but I'm not sure it gets easier in lots of ways. Maybe when - if - they ever move out 😂. So, again, thankyou 😊😊

atomicblonde30 · 31/01/2020 21:06

I was a single parent for four years until I met my now husband, it was hard I don’t mind posts like these as it’s nice that people recognise how hard it might be from the other side. Didn’t read it as patronising at all.

Daftodil · 31/01/2020 21:08

Wow, lots of easily offended people here! Take the compliment in the spirit in which it's been given.
OP isn't saying he knows what it's like to be a single parent, he's saying he found it hard being without his wife this week. Is nobody allowed to think a week is hard when they don't have their usual support or routine in place?!

The people saying "how patronising saying being a single parent is tough", surely must've had moments in their life when they've looked at others and thought "wow, that person has it really tough" without thinking it in a patronising or disparaging way, no?

I know people battling cancer or raising multiple children with complex needs facing hurdle after hurdle of getting them the right assessment and into the right school or who are coping with infertility while still slapping on a smile for yet another friend's baby shower or dealing with their parent's escalating dementia. Saying "wow, I don't know how they do it" isn't patronising, it's just acknowledging that some people have it tough(er than you do currently).

Teacaketotty · 31/01/2020 21:09

Only on MN can a bit of kindness be a bad thing! Confused

justanothergrumblebum · 31/01/2020 21:15

Bloody hell, I've apologised! But I stand by my point, it IS patronising.

And at the risk of starting a bun fight, with the deepest respect @Moominmammaatsea you CHOSE to be a single parent. I didn't.

PeppermintPasty · 31/01/2020 21:17

I am fucking fantastic it’s true. Got out of a relationship with a violent, emotionally and financially abusive man (by financially I mean the cunt stole from me, the only person who was supporting our dc). In fact I chucked him out, carried on full time in my job. No wait, got a new, better job nearer my dc’s schools, carried on whilst he pissed about playing the victim for a year then dropped seeing his children altogether whilst blaming me (of course).

That was seven years ago. My dc are fabulous, beautiful little humans (can’t take the credit there, they came out like that), and life is just great. We are the Three Musketeers.

I’ll never be anything but single, I love it. They don’t appear to miss their dad, and they totally dodged a manipulative, crazy bullet there.

So, I’ll take your admiration, cheers.

Best compliment I ever had was a woman in my village whom I respect turning to me one day as we were chatting about something and told me I was the strongest woman she knew. I reflected a lot on it after that, and realised she was right!

Happy Friday Smile

Louise91417 · 31/01/2020 21:17

I,l take you compliment no problem...thanks for acknowledgingSmile

coldlighthappier · 31/01/2020 21:19

Honestly some of you are right miserable arseholes

atomicblonde30 · 31/01/2020 21:19

And at the risk of starting a bun fight, with the deepest respect @Moominmammaatsea you CHOSE to be a single parent. I didn't.

And?

Louise91417 · 31/01/2020 21:22

Mummyscrewedup...give yourself a break..surviving is succeeding...Flowers

Teacaketotty · 31/01/2020 21:23

And at the risk of starting a bun fight, with the deepest respect *@Moominmammaatsea

Wow - kinda Judgmental on adoption there no?

justanothergrumblebum · 31/01/2020 21:24

@atomicblonde30 if you have the means and and the financial backing etc and you can work out childcare etc, with plenty of planning etc, then that's all good and well. If you haven't and you've been thrust into it because of an utter dickwad, different story 🤷‍♀️

Moominmammaatsea · 31/01/2020 21:26

@justanothergrumblebum, fighting talk indeed, I’ll happily raise you your bun for the traditional Mumsnet biscuit (if only I was savvy enough to find that icon 😅). I hear you, it must be massively disappointing (massive understatement) to have chosen the wrong life partner (no offence intended here and I’ve agonised about how to phrase this without causing offence). Ahhh, we're all just trying to be the best parents we can be and, fingers crossed, our children will appreciate that in the future.

justanothergrumblebum · 31/01/2020 21:27

Nope, not judgemental on adoption AT ALL. But it surely requires a lot of pre planning etc. And I take my hat off to all adopters out there, but if you have a child on the premise that there will be two people and you plan your life out under that premise, when it goes tits up, what can you do except keep going?

justanothergrumblebum · 31/01/2020 21:29

@Moominmammaatsea yep I chose the wrong 'life partner'... sadly he didn't show any of his true colours until I was pregnant and then straight away after I had given birth, when he turned violent.... hindsight is a wonderful, wonderful thing

Teacaketotty · 31/01/2020 21:30

@ justanothergrumblebum

Okay, on your stance that the OP cannot possibly understand how difficult life is for a single parent, how could you possibly understand the PP‘a adoption situation! Regardless of whether it was chosen or not the day to day life is just as challenging.

This isn’t a competition of who has it the hardest or who’s a REAL single parent!

PeppermintPasty · 31/01/2020 21:32

Moominmumma, for me disappointment isn’t it, it’s GUILT! That good old thing we all suffer with. Guilt that I chose such a shitbag (and he is proper grade A crap) as my dc’s ‘father’.

(As if I did it deliberately)! I felt that guilt constantly for years, still do occasionally. Until I have a word with myself.

PeppermintPasty · 31/01/2020 21:34

@justanothergrumblebum, at least you didn’t have two dc with the wanker. I did. I made terrible, awful mistakes. We all need to cut ourselves some slack.

justanothergrumblebum · 31/01/2020 21:35

I am not even trying to understand the adoption situation, and I said already I am in awe of people who take that step (or I take my hat off to then already!)

I am trying to point out that it's different, whether you are a husband without a wife for a week, or an adoptive parent, who (forgive my ignorance) will have had a lot of planning and organising etc, compared with someone who has totally be dropped in the shit with no notice... and expected to just crack on.