AIBU to be in awe of single parents

[Warsawa31]

Hi,
I’ve spent a week looking after my 9 month old daughter as my wife away with work.
We usually split baby care 70/30 with my wife doing most of it.

I am knackered lol , she is what you would deem an easy baby and there is only one of her.

I’ve spent the week thinking about single parents and how hard it must be to do this alone day in day out.

Just a massive doth of my cap to any single parents out there.

I saw a video about that lady who gave birth to octuplets. That was ten years ago, the media frenzy died down and everyone stopped giving a shit. She has raised them on her own into polite, healthy and well looked after ten year olds. Just awesome

No that story was not "awesome" it was horriffic. Do some research.

OP you come across as quite creepy. I am sure that is not your intention, but words don't land comfortably.

No offence but I always hate this kind of post. It's kind of patronising like we're supposed to be sooooo happy that you've given us a moments thought

Agree completely. And it’s very “thank fuck I’m not a single parent”. Like I’m so glad experiencing something similar to my life for one day made you realise you’re glad you don’t have my life.

I agree with both of these posts. Similar shite is often spouted about parents of disabled children (which is what I am).

DH works away on a semi-regular basis for anything from a few days to several weeks, I have never thought "well now I know how it feels to be a single parent" because I don't and I'm not. When he is away I'm not alone, I have a second adult at the end of the phone day and night who I can vent to, chat to, bounce ideas off. If there was ever an emergency or if I was too unwell to reliably care for the DC I can phone him and say he has to come home. I still have my back-up partner whether he is home or not whereas a single parent doesn't, no matter how long my day I know that I'm in a countdown and the end is in sight, that a second adult will be back in the house within a set time period.

When people say they're in awe or "I don't know how you do it!" it grates because there is no other option. You have to get up and "do it" because no one else will do it.

Although I did wonder why you felt you might be "unreasonable" to be in awe of single parents (as if it's something bad you're going against the grain to say you like) but your OP didn't come across negatively.

OTOH, I see your post going downhill really fast. MN is not really a "good intentions" type of place.

Rather than finding this post patronising, I smiled. And thought actually, you’re right- I am absolutely smashing it!
Some days I’d give anything for someone to be coming in the door to help out, bath the baby or just someone to talk to, other days I’m absolutely fine and happy as I am.
As time goes by, you get used to it and no absolutely no different- I think if her dad lives with me now I’d find parenting a breeze (or perhaps that’s rose tinted glasses)

@speakout

Creepy? Lol English isn’t my first language. I promise I don’t spend my time in bushes

I get the sentiment. But really a lot of the stresses of being a single parent aren’t simply down to the childcare! For me It’s the single salary and the sole responsibility for EVERYTHING on that single salary (current bills; future planning and deciding which of these I can forgo because we can’t have both! Then there’s the responsibility for the entire domestic scene: house (cleaning; maintenance, D I bloody Y), garden, car etc. All whilst knackered from the full time job and all whilst taking care of my children’s physical and emotional well-being (no time for my own!) . I have a very lovely (but unthinking) friend who regularly tells me she’s “effectively” a single parent like me because her high earner H spends a lot of time away 🙄 (she’s also a SAHP...)

I don't blame others for going thank fuck...I wouldn't wish my life on my worst frigging enemy. It sucks. So if someone wants to offer a hand hold, show empathy or gatecrash my self-pity party, you're welcome.
are you free to babysit my kids OP?!
But Deadwater Fell is on later and some MNetters on here watch it so sad bint that I am, I will feel less alone.
On top of that there is the truth about it being worse if you feel alone when you're still in a dying relationship. I just hate that the buck stops with me and I feel vulnerable and I am never away from my kids. One is sat on my feet as I type, a bit like a kitten, which is a kinda nice I guess if you like cats

Oh I am sure octomum managed just fine with all the sponsorship and money from the media...

You pressured your business to organise a crèche? Well aren't you amazing? Not sure why you have martyred yourself by taking sole care of your baby this week, why not stick them in the crèche whilst wifey is away?

Give. Me. Strength.

@justanothergrumblebum

My company hasnt built it yet, I suggested it and they asked me to do a feasibility study. I was trying to start a conversation around solutions is all.

But Maybe going by your logic I should just shut up and not try anything, ever?

I'm a single parent and I don't think it's patronising at all. I think it's nice that someone recognised how none-crushingly knackering it is at time.

@warsawa31 did I say that? I think you should give it more than a week of solo care before wifey returns before you start singing the praises of single parents. You have no idea.

Oh some of you are so miserable!

Thanks OP, you’re right!

I’m a single parent of 4. I’m quite new to it all (2 months) and it’s definitely hard but nowhere near as hard as it was when I had a partner to basically look after as well.

@justanothergrumblebum

You are right I really don’t have any idea what’s it’s like.

Wow OP you turn a bit nasty when we don't all blush and 'thank you for noticing us' don't you? You might want to check that attitude

Single mum here, work full time too.

Ex does 30 nights a year, I do the other 335. I'm shattered but happy. Retirement is looking really tempting

Not at all U - we are awesome!

theconversation.com/what-britain-can-learn-from-scandinavia-when-it-comes-to-childcare-68459
It's wrap around care that is the killer OP. That, and finding work that is term-time only or flexible or work you can do from home or any employer that is going to be supportive wrt illness etc when it literally is just you and you're the last man standing. Makes it doubly stressful and hard to land or keep a job. Creches in the actual workplace should be a thing by now - fuck me, wasn't that the end of the film 9 to 5 bloody decades ago? But making it easier for lone parents to work, for SAHMs to return to the workplace, for carers with children with SEN to get respite or job opportunities at all, that's what any employer or government should be looking towards. Pipe dreams.

Yep, you are right. You have NO idea what it's like to be the sole carer, the sole provider and the sole person in a child's life. Nobody to help, EVER.

To have to pay for everything, to have to juggle work and housework and childcare and pick ups and drop offs etc.

To have to leave work and be penalised if your child is ill, because there is no-one else, and face the consequences.

To never ever ever get a break. To have to still provide full time care to your child even when you are ill.

I could go on... I really hate this stupid simpering 'oooh well down single parents' threads because there is a massive underlying message of 'thank fuck it's not me'

@OvaltinaTurner

The thing is it benefits the company financially to have on site childcare. The initial set up cost puts them off.

a long term sustainable workforce with a low churn rate and high level of subject matter knowledge is far more productive. It just makes sense for everyone.

Maybe one day

Well perhaps you should run for prime minister and ensure this idea is implemented across the uk. I could certainly do with it.

Except, it doesn't make a flying bit of difference when you are the sole adult, your child is ill, and you have no choice but to take time off or whatever.

Can you think of any other ideas to help single parents??

Can you think of any other ideas to help single parents??
Lucky a man popped in to sort out all the problems eh? 😂

@justanothergrumblebum

It’s not just for single parents. There will be times when you have to take a day off. It’s life isn’t it..

But that’s the exception rather than the rule.

What’s my sex got to do with anything?

It is not helpful to make such broad assumptions about any parents- or any people for that matter.
People and parents have all kinds of circumstances.
They may be single parents with a good 50/50 split , allowing a great deal of free time for both parties.
Parents may live with a partner who is abusive, or works far away, in the forces.
Children may have additional needs. Physical or mental health issues may be a factor. Anyone may be a carer.

It is simplistic, naiive and condecending to assume that single parents always have a raw deal.