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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wish I hadn’t taken away Friday night from dd5?

151 replies

MeAndHimAndHer · 31/01/2020 14:21

DD, 5, is usually fairly well behaved and compliant. For the past three days she has been horrible: really cheeky, rude, demanding, whiny. She’s been acting as though she’s really tired and hungry when she’s neither!
This morning she refused every step of getting ready for school, to the point of full on tantrumming. In the midst of all this, when she had calmed after an outburst over teeth cleaning, I told her that any more of that behaviour this morning and Friday night would be cancelled.
She looks forward all week to staying up late, playing board games, having a treaty late tea.
Anyway there was more shitty behaviour, lots of it, and I said more than once, that she would be having an early night tonight with none of the above.
Now it’s nearly time to collect her and 1. I feel guilty that she’s made it to the end of a difficult week with no Friday joy Sad and 2. My evening is going to be horrendous as she will be so upset and her behaviour will no doubt continue the same as no reason not to, so bedtime will likely start early and take hours with more screaming and tantrums.
I have to carry through though, don’t I?

OP posts:
DownWhichOfLate · 31/01/2020 14:23

You could. Or you could give her a cuddle, explain how upset you were with her behaviour and have a scaled back evening?

DownWhichOfLate · 31/01/2020 14:24

Also: maybe she is coming down with an illness; maybe school is stressful; maybe a million things to make her behave this way. She’s only 5.

PrincessConsuelaBananahamm0ck · 31/01/2020 14:27

I think you probably have to follow it through. I would, although would be feeling exactly the same as you are now! If you follow it through, she'll know you mean it when you say stuff and will be easier to talk down from her next tantrum, when she remembers her fun Friday was taken away last time.

MyCatScaresDogs · 31/01/2020 14:29

Is there a way for her to “earn it back” over the next few hours through good behaviour?

cheesewitheverything · 31/01/2020 14:30

Follow it through, op! I'd be feeling mean as well, but it's for the best in the long run.

Di11y · 31/01/2020 14:30

id explain that mummy overreacted but she needs an early night with minimal sugar. I'd do as early a tea as possible with fewer snacks, pop on a short film and aim for usual bedtime.

averythinline · 31/01/2020 14:32

I woudl maybe remove one element if the special fri night stuff (i do similar and dc really love their fri night)

probably the staying up late as she is probably over tired or fighting a bug anyway.... but ramp up the cuddles lounging the sofa bits ..

Sparkle567 · 31/01/2020 14:32

Let her earn it back.

Couple chores and have a chat

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 31/01/2020 14:35

I would say she’s probably coming down with something or anxious about something if she’s normally well behaved.

I would get her home and settled with a snack and then say how glad you were that everything was back to normal (assuming she comes home and is behaving well) because those morning wasn’t very nice and say you think you made a mistake because you were so upset, say you said something you didn’t mean to say and apologise and then ask her if she might have done that too and let her apologise. Then just carry on with Friday as usual. Try finding out if something is bothering her too.

I future when she is in a tizz like that you’re best biting your tongue, getting to the end of it with least said and then when all is calm later you can discuss the problem and decide if any consequences need to happen.

CakeandCustard28 · 31/01/2020 14:39

Let her earn it back. Get her to do a few things to help you. But if she does it again, then follow through next time.

Original poster
MeAndHimAndHer · 31/01/2020 14:46

Thank you
I’m going to see how she is and suggest she can get it back with better behaviour this afternoon/evening. I’ll prob still push for an early night but let her enjoy her evening up to that.
I do wonder what’s bothering her. She’s anxious anyway and gets extra ELSA support at school but this has felt like testing the boundaries naughtiness rather than a response to worries.

OP posts:
IndecentFeminist · 31/01/2020 14:49

She's only 5. I'd do a slightly scaled back version but wouldn't cancel it full stop. It's ok to change your mind.

MoltoAgitato · 31/01/2020 14:51

Follow through. But if it’s out of character for her, a penny to a pound she’ll barf soon or is otherwise coming down with something.

ticking · 31/01/2020 14:51

I'd tell her on pick up she has an hour to "earn back" some of her evening with good behaviour, 15 mins gets a game. 30 mins gets 2 games, up to a full hour getting a late night?

So even if she starts she has a chance to rectify

Branster · 31/01/2020 14:53

She might be tired, January is such a long school month and it’s always dark, cold and wet. Or she might be making up for being exceptionally well behaved rapt school and lets it all out when she’s with you because she can. Or, as others have said, she might be coming down with something. Or if someone is away from home she might feel like she can get away with this behaviour?
You did well to address it the way you did but I’d feel exactly like you.
Maybe take her out somewhere after school at the park? ,fresh air might do her good and you can chat nicely and re-establish communication. On way back home discuss what you’ll be doing together, what her schedule will be, your expectations of her behaviour and tell her what you intend to be getting on with so you have a chat. Remove one element from tonight only based on her expected good behaviour.

Helenluvsrob · 31/01/2020 14:54

Easy. Let her earn it back.
Go ask the teacher and when she reports a splendid ( or even normal good day,) she will have earned it back.

Easy then to explain how sad you were about the morning but you couldn’t possibly punish her when she managed to be so great for miss ...

RB68 · 31/01/2020 14:56

its called end of termitis in this house

NicLondon1 · 31/01/2020 15:00

Mine is in reception and has also been really really tired this week... every morning and after school. I think it's the weather being so cold, but also they've ramped up the school learning a notch. Learning new words & numbers IS exhausting. Big jump from nursery.
She had a tantrum yesterday, then said sorry. That was that really.
Not really enforcing rules as behaviour is due to tiredness, she can't help it.
I'd have a nice evening but make sure she's in bed at a reasonable time so she can get a good sleep (she doesn't need to know if it's early or late, you can pretend it's late!)

CantSayJack · 31/01/2020 15:04

Follow through otherwise you are setting yourself up for more of the same.
Really no point in saying things if you don’t stick with them. It’s not cruelty and even 5 year olds need to learn boundaries.

TomeOfSomething · 31/01/2020 15:04

It's ok to change your mind. no its not, you have to follow through, sure she can earn some of it back with good behaviour, but you have to follow through otherwise whats the point

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 31/01/2020 15:09

I wouldnt follow it thorough, id have a chat instead. I dont ever carry punishments over to another day though, it makes behaviour worse ime. My younger two are quite anxious and also had ELSA at school

QueSera · 31/01/2020 15:12

I would feel the exact same OP.
But, let her get away with behaviour like that, and still get a reward, and your life will be more hellish.
You could offer to let her 'earn it back', as others have suggested.
But if she carries on, you need to stick to your guns. It is horrible in the short term, but trust me (DC is 7) it is better in the long run. I had a turning point when I read on MN something like "you are the parent!". Sounds so simple and logical, but when you want to make everything nice and happy for your child, it feels so mean to deny them something, but really it is just a part of responsible parenting and teaching your child necessary lessons about behaviour and consequences, and respect. Kind but firm. Good luck OP.

GetUpAgain · 31/01/2020 15:13

I agree with seeing how school has been and earning some of it back. One of mine was grumpy this morning, I got a call later from school to collect ill child... one of 6 kids I know of to be sent home sick before noon today!!

eurochick · 31/01/2020 15:14

Let her earn it back. Get her to help with some laundry/tidying or whatever. If she doesn't then you have to follow through.

Inherdefence · 31/01/2020 15:14

I agree with @CantSayJack. You need to follow through. If you teach her at age 5 that you don’t mean what you say and will give way on sanctions and punishments you are storing up trouble for the future. At the very least it takes the specialness out of Friday nights if she knows they will happen even if she doesn’t behave or doesn’t deserve them. It needn’t be mean or nasty and it doesn’t mean that you can’t still have a nice evening with an extra long bedtime story and lots of cuddles.

And use this as a learning opportunity. It’s easy for us as parents to make angry declarations in the heat of the moment and then regret them later. In future think carefully before making threats you won’t want to follow through on.