AIBU to wish I hadn’t taken away Friday night from dd5?

[MeAndHimAndHer]

DD, 5, is usually fairly well behaved and compliant. For the past three days she has been horrible: really cheeky, rude, demanding, whiny. She’s been acting as though she’s really tired and hungry when she’s neither!
This morning she refused every step of getting ready for school, to the point of full on tantrumming. In the midst of all this, when she had calmed after an outburst over teeth cleaning, I told her that any more of that behaviour this morning and Friday night would be cancelled.
She looks forward all week to staying up late, playing board games, having a treaty late tea.
Anyway there was more shitty behaviour, lots of it, and I said more than once, that she would be having an early night tonight with none of the above.
Now it’s nearly time to collect her and 1. I feel guilty that she’s made it to the end of a difficult week with no Friday joy and 2. My evening is going to be horrendous as she will be so upset and her behaviour will no doubt continue the same as no reason not to, so bedtime will likely start early and take hours with more screaming and tantrums.
I have to carry through though, don’t I?

Backdown and you can never complain again, she is old enough to learn the lesson. Do you want to have to deal with 15 year old acting the same way ?

Definitely follow it through. It's a bummer but it will make things easier in future. Saying one thing and doing another isn't good for kids. Have a nice chilled evening but normal tea and early bed time.

If I said it, I would do it. FOLLOW THROUGH WITH YOUR DISCIPLINE.

Yes you have to follow it through or you are definitely storing trouble up for yourself in the future.

Sounds like she needs an early night anyway.

FWIW I don't even think earning it back is a good idea. It still tells her there's always a later option to get out of consequences. It sounds like you're at least in part thinking of backing out because you won't enjoy the evening as much yourself. Be firm, with yourself and your daughter!

Sounds a bit much as a punishment to be honest. My 4 year old would have forgotten by home time anyway (I wouldn’t threaten in the first place though) so it’d mean upsetting her when she’s had a long tiring day, who wants that?! Maybe I’m a soft touch, my kids are fairly good apart from sometimes being a bit tired getting ready some days, so a bit “unresponsive”, I couldn’t be doing with being so mean for such small things though.

How is she this afternoon?

I’ve been feeling like your dd has but that’s down to knowing it’s ‘brexit’ day .
Seriously though , she’s probably just tired .
I would t completely go back on my word but I’d do what others have said and scale it back

If I said it, I would do it. FOLLOW THROUGH WITH YOUR DISCIPLINE.

I always give DD the chance to make things right and it works. I also don't carry punishments forward into a new day. Because if she is good today and is still being punished, it makes no sense.

Immediate consequences, the ability to make things right.

Ive never had a problem telling mine that sometimes adults get it wrong too, if i dealt out a punishment in the heat of the moment and after thinking about it thought it was too harsh , id have no problem retracting it and sitting down with them and explaining why and what punishment would be put into place if they carried on with the behaviour

Honestly, follow it through. There are far too many entitled kids who just get away with horrible behaviour with no consequences. I’d feel awful about it too but it’s for V the best in the long run.
I would be chatting to her though but my chat would be explaining why she’s missing her Friday. I’d be trying to get to the bottom of why the behaviour presented and saying that I still loved her and that it’s okay to have off days and days when you feel sad/anxious etc but that it’s not okay to treat people badly and act out. Start talking about different ways she could work through difficulties rather than acting out in future. I do think she needs to see the consequences but know that they’re not associated with how much you love her.

Unless it's an immediate punishment (which I always follow through on), I allow win back (but it has to be a good win back) - especially at that age - the future is such a nebulous thing to them.

DS2 is particularly responsive to this, as he's always been a wheeler dealer, but rarely misbehaves seriously (ie in a way that requires something other than an immediate consequence)

Ah, she’s only 5! Let her off.

My dcs are 22, 20 and 16

There have been more times than I can count when I have threatened an over the top punishment where they probably wouldn’t even remember what they would were being punished for 6 hours later

It’s absolutely fine to say I think we were both a bit upset and angry this morning but let’s put it behind us and enjoy a nice evening

You don’t always have to follow through everything you say otherwise your children will never respect you

IME children will respect you more for having a think and discussing what happened and moving on rather then having to follow through with any threat you might have made just for the sake of it

We all make mistakes. She made a mistake by tantrumming and not listening. But maybe you made a mistake by taking away her Friday night.

It’s ok. It’s not the end of the world. Apologise to each other, move on and have a pleasant evening

Of course you need to follow through. Never threaten anything that you’re not prepared to carry out.

If you pick her up and then go home and you have your normal Friday evening shindig, you won’t feel guilty and you’ll both have a great time

Next Friday if you have tantrums

What are you going to do?
There won’t be any point in making any type of sanctions as your dd will know it’s worthless

If dd is tierd then the best thing is an early night and plenty of sleep

Then hopefully a pleasant weekend

Don’t threaten any sanctions you’re not prepared to follow through

Explain tonight is an early one and hopefully if there is no fuss tonight you can both do something lovely tomorrow

You've got to follow through with it IMO

She is only 5. And you said she is anxious and gets extra help at school. She could be upset at all sorts of things and not able to articulate it. Cut her some slack she is so little

Admire very much all the "follow thru" folks and they are right but I know I would prob have taken the "scale it back" option.

Only time will tell whether this is the start of some general horribleness or whether she is poorly/over-tired.

My little girl used to be such a toad getting ready and particularly with tights and tantrums. In the end after days of tantrumming, I packed a set of uniform and took her to school in pjs and she got changed v ably in the car and no problems again ... she was just being a toad and we laugh about it now!

Follow through.
You warned her, she carried on, therefore you do it. If she's tired and cranky because of that then an early night will be the best thing for her!

Many years ago I walked for 1 hour to take DS1 (aged 3) to a paid for group (when we were very skint) along with baby DS2. DS1 started misbehaving after we's been there about 10 mins. I told him we would go home if he didn't stop it and play nicely. He carried on. We left.
He never did it again, and learned that what Mum threatens WILL happen so he'd better not mess about when he's told to stop it.

Give her a chance to earn it back

I'm glad I don't live in some peoples houses.

She is 5. Normally well behaved. Something is not quite right. She probably does need an early night. But not as an OTT punishment that spoils her special family time.

🤷 I don't see anything wrong with saying to her "look, we've been snapping at each other and I feel bad about it. I really value our nice time playing board games, but it's clear you're really tired. So we will still have our games and snacks, but you will be going to bed at a sensible time."

I've often apologised to the kids when I think I've gone too far, or been unfair or whatever and they're turning out all right.

I wouldn't follow through. I think it's sends a worse lesson to be so rigid. I've never yet threatened a punishment for a few days hence and then staunchly followed through even if behaviour has changed in the meantime. My kids are great, if I say so myself, lovely manners - everyone says it - and just really nice natured. I feel like lengthy punishments hanging over children are a sure fire way to make them feel hopeless and stressed and more likely to continue to misbehave as they remain heightened and sad about the punishment.

If this were me, the early night would be staying, because (as I would explain to her) she has been acting as if she were tired so clearly she is (= natural consequence of the behaviour). I'd ease up on the rest - playing board games could be a lovely thing for you to do to reconnect - but supper wouldn't be particularly late, though could be a bit Friday-special.

I don't hold with the follow-through-at-all-costs school of parenting. I think children learn by example how to handle mistakes and overreactions and turn things around rather than digging a trench.