AIBU to wish I hadn’t taken away Friday night from dd5?

[MeAndHimAndHer]

DD, 5, is usually fairly well behaved and compliant. For the past three days she has been horrible: really cheeky, rude, demanding, whiny. She’s been acting as though she’s really tired and hungry when she’s neither!
This morning she refused every step of getting ready for school, to the point of full on tantrumming. In the midst of all this, when she had calmed after an outburst over teeth cleaning, I told her that any more of that behaviour this morning and Friday night would be cancelled.
She looks forward all week to staying up late, playing board games, having a treaty late tea.
Anyway there was more shitty behaviour, lots of it, and I said more than once, that she would be having an early night tonight with none of the above.
Now it’s nearly time to collect her and 1. I feel guilty that she’s made it to the end of a difficult week with no Friday joy and 2. My evening is going to be horrendous as she will be so upset and her behaviour will no doubt continue the same as no reason not to, so bedtime will likely start early and take hours with more screaming and tantrums.
I have to carry through though, don’t I?

I’d follow through, but maybe make Saturday night special instead - IF she behaves well tomorrow.

A friend of mine was constantly making threats she never carried out. Her kids knew they only had to scream and roar for 20 minutes and she’d give in. Every. Sodding. Time. And then there would be the instant, triumphant beam to say they’d won yet again.

I'd give her a single chance tonight. This is what I do with my 7yo - he has to tidy up and do whatever jobs I ask. If she starts again, not a treaty tea, and bed early. She needs to make the connection - bad behaviour does not equal treats. I'd sit with her in her room for a little bit and maybe ask if there was anything going on that was upsetting her and do the whole "You always come and talk to me first" rather than lashing out.

My little (3) is usually an angel too. Honestly SUCH an angelic little face you wouldn't believe it. His behaviour today, in a public waiting from was one of the worst examples I have seen not just from him or DS1 - from ANY child in public, in my entire life, which says a lot because we've all witness some horrific kid behaviour I bet!

He was screaming - SCREECHING (like, breaking glass style, banshee how can he go that high type stuff), running away around the (otherwise very quiet) room, rolling under the seats, grabbing people, hitting and kicking everyone. Screaming. Screaming. Hitting. Kicking. I tried asking nicely, I tried books, snacks, distraction, bribing, cuddling and talking nicely. I was so desperate for him to stop. Everyone was throwing me filthy looks, literally turning around to glare at me - ME not him. Their similarly aged kids sat next to them like little examples of how to behave perfectly (like he is usually), and the appointment ran over by 20 mins. 20 minutes of that! Felt like 2 hours. I could feel I was about to burst into tears and I got up and marched out with him. Came home and cried whilst he cried in his room and kicked the door. He's not even 3 and a half yet.

Then his Grandad (evil stbx side) picked him up because it's their weekend with him and his brother. My mum did the handover because I'd reached my limit upstairs (awful week anyway), and she told him what he'd done - his reaction was to shower him with hugs and kisses and sweets and they're off to Mcdolands. I'm fuming but by god do I need the break!!

Just find something she can do to (notionally) help you so she can earn back her treat.

I don't think you should let her earn it back. I think it's important to follow this through. You won't ruin her life but maybe next time if needed you can have other consequences as time to connect with her family is probably exactly when she needs when stressed.

It's only two weeks until half term and she's only little, she's probably getting overtired and ready for a break from school. Let her have her Friday night but scaled back a bit and with an earlier night?

Find out what's caused the change! If she's 'usually well behaved and compliant' and she's turned into a monster, something has caused this so find out what it is. She is about to be ill or someone is bullying her or she has had some sort of knock to her confidence. Maybe ask her teacher if they have noticed any changes.

A quieter Friday than normal, maybe, so she knows she isn't having the usual lovely time but it's not like a huge punishment. But ferret out the problem before it gets worse!

If you feel like the punishment is too harsh don't do it.

Contrary to what many have said here, letting this go won't matter a jot in the long run.

Your 5-year-old will not be doomed to become a horrible little toad who scoffs at any threat of punishment because of this one night. :o

I hope you went with your gut and are having your usual, lovely Friday evening right now, OP.

I would follow through. She probably is tired and might well be under the weather.

You can still do a different but enjoyable evening that is different to normal, so she doesn’t get what was taken from her. She is definitely old enough to know it has been taken away for bad behaviour and remember it.

I really dislike the threads about 'punishing' young children and I have been a teacher for a very long time. Everyone gets tired and scratchy sometimes and I always feel, least said soonest mended. Be kind, be understanding and she will love you for it. Be an advocate of 'firm discipline' like David Copperfield's stepdad (book not magician) and wonder why your children don't much like you as adults.

Aways follow through but dont make ridiculous threats either .
I dont think you are being harsh OP
She probaby needs an early night.
Tonight can be handled firmly but fairly without being unkind.
Follow up with a conversation when everything has calmed down.
She is looking to you to.provide boundaries, children who dont get any are let down by their parents.

Your 5-year-old will not be doomed to become a horrible little toad who scoffs at any threat of punishment because of this one night
Of course not. The problem could be with the OP. She feels guilty about putting in consequences and boundaries and was dithering about following through. If she doesn't this time it is just as easy not to follow through next time and again the time after. The child soon cottons on that words are empty.
It is not a harsh consequence but just enough to show that behaviour isn't acceptable.

In your shoes I would give her a quiet night and maybe chat about what went wrong this morning and how she is managing with things. You can be both kind and firm.

Definitely follow it through or you will be setting yourself up for more trouble in the future

People who won't compromise and insist on always following through, end up with children that hate them. Be human and compassionate with your children.

Fgs Murdstone was a sadist - bit of an over reaction there @mrsmuddlespies 😂

You need to read 'How to talk so children will listen and how to listen so children will talk' . This book changed my life with a DD who refused to get ready for school aged 4 when I was dealing with a baby. Her uniform, hairbrush, toothbrush and coat all 'wrote notes'to her (read the book) and she was so intrigued that she did exactly what the note asked her to do. It was utterly brilliant.

She's only 5, in my experience (3 dcs) 'bad' behaviour is always a result of something, at that age. It's not in them to be naughty on purpose. I found that growth spurts could cause them to be a bit crazy. It's only after they are back to normal you realise. Or she could be fighting off a virus.
I'd sit her down and say how sad her behaviour has made you but you don't want to be even sadder so you will have some Friday fun but maybe scale it's back a bit.

Surely natural consequences work better than punishment?

"You are tired as fuck dd, that's why you've been a monster this morning, no games and late night tonight, let's get to bed early and Mummy will stroke your hair while you fall asleep. Next week we will try again."

Rather than

"You were horrible to me this morning so I won't play with you tonight"

It's not brain surgery is it? It's not about "following through", its just common sense and helping to teach another human being how to prevent her own bad moods. What is there to punish?

Why encourage OP to act like a stroppy toddler imposing her will on others? how does that teach the 5yo not to act like... a stroppy toddler... imposing her will on others...?

If you make the usual Friday night routine dependent on your DD behaving very well this evening, or doing chores, you're giving her another opportunity to misbehave, aren't you? Which I'd say there's a fair chance she will - then you'll both end up even more cross and upset. Better IMO to do as other people have suggested, a calm evening with plenty of cuddles, bit of telly and an early night.
I guess by now you're well into the evening anyway so advice at this stage is useless . . good luck!

You are tired as fuck dd, that's why you've been a monster this morning, no games and late night tonight, let's get to bed early and Mummy will stroke your hair while you fall asleep. Next week we will try again."
This is how it would play out in my house though @rvby minus the fuck of course
So the consequence is still no pizza/games etc but not done vindictively.
I think people are assuming the OP is going to be really nasty to her DD rather than the above .

Exactly @ rvby (maybe not the ‘tired as fuck’) wait until she is a teenager!

Tidy up, have dinner, early night, read a book or listen to some nice music, sleep and ready for the weekend.

As my MIL used to say when she saw parents threatening heavy punishment (rather than sanctions) ‘what will toy fo is they do it again? Kill them?’

I completely agree with @mrsmuddlepies. I too am a teacher.
BE KIND.
Especially to little children, by which I include up to 11. And older children is up to 18.

You need to follow through

You have to follow through with your ultimatum though otherwise she'll think that the consequences that you threaten in regards to her behaviour are idle.

The Headteacher that commanded the most respect out of all the headteachers I have worked for, was always ready to apologise to students. He tried to be understanding and ready to compromise. Students felt cared about and did their best in return.
Children who are treated harshly to teach them a lesson, tend to feel bitter as a result and reconciliation between both parties is hard. Forgiving and moving swiftly on works wonders.

I think punishments have to be immediate, not dragged out until the end of the day when she's going to be tired and grumpy and won't remember what she did that morning.