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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend should have spoken to me first?....

182 replies

MeetmeinParis · 31/01/2020 13:08

I'll try to cut this down as I have a tendency to ramble!. I have a good friend whom I met through DD, she is very opinionated and extremely confident in herself and her opinions, she has a tendency to dominate conversations with her opinion and it is difficult to challenge her on these opinions. That said, she is generally lovely and we get on well, I haven't seen much of her in the last 6 months as we dealt with illness and subsequent death of a close relative, she didnt make a huge effort to support me through this as she is always busy, volunteers for every pta activity, local group etc etc so in short, I haven't been as close with her as we were.
She messaged me last night to say that there had been some issues with my DD messaging her DS and that it had got nasty, stated that there were various issues with the class snapchat group and some nastiness (kids are just turned 10). She told me she had her DS phone and had replied to my DD herself. I saw the message on my DD phone this am and it was very to the point, please stop this etc etc and not threatening in any way but I am really angry that she did this rather than message me weeks ago (she says this is how long it's been going on) telling me there was an issue so that we could sort it out before now. I have told her I'm not happy at how it was done and feel as we are friends I would have preferred the chance to deal with this myself. For reference, my DD had asked her DS to be her boyfriend, when he said no, she persisted and then at one point called him a weirdo then said she hated him, nasty and will be dealt with but silly kids stuff really. AIBU in thinking she should have come to me rather than messaging my 10 YO?.
When I challenged her she said, "believe me this is not how Bob (the boys Dad) wanted to deal with this, I found that a bit threatening?. I need perspective!.....

OP posts:
AriadnesFilament · 31/01/2020 13:10

Excuse me, “class Snapchat group”? WTF?!

Ohnoherewego62 · 31/01/2020 13:12

First off I see your point in coming to you first.

She was trying to protect her son.

You should be grateful that the school hasnt been involved in a way as by that point it hasnt been escalated.

She has given your dd the chance to stop and think whereas most parents would go straight to the school which is their right too.

I'd suggest if you feel up to it and she does by getting together and chatting about it so you can share unresolved feelings on it.

You said yourself it was to the point and not nasty so she was trying to nip it in the bud before escalating.

Geminijes · 31/01/2020 13:13

I would be more concerned with your daughter being nasty to her son rather than your friend not speaking to you before she asked your daughter to stop sending nasty messages.

If she wasn't your friend, would you still have expected her to approach you before trying to stop the messages?

Finfintytint · 31/01/2020 13:13

If the message was to the point and not threatening I don’t see it as a huge issue. Maybe her son couldn’t articulate a message himself but just wanted this harassment to stop.

Menora · 31/01/2020 13:14

Your child is just 10 and has social media you have no idea what she is saying, and she’s been abusive to a boy who won’t go out with her? And you are cross with your friend for looking out for her child?

I would be mortified if my child had done this

I think you have misplaced anger here... this is your parenting issue not a friendship issue

IndecentFeminist · 31/01/2020 13:14

Aaaaand this is why kids their age shouldn't have unfettered access to this sort of thing.

Back to the question, YABU. She had every right to reply, she wasn't rude and presumably has had a very upset child to deal with. Boyfriend/girlfriend ffs.

Husband may well have wanted to go into school.

DowntonCrabby · 31/01/2020 13:15

None of them should have access to barely supervised SM at 10. FFS

Original poster
MeetmeinParis · 31/01/2020 13:15

I should add, she admits her DS sent some nasty messages back, it wasnt all one sided.

OP posts:
Neolara · 31/01/2020 13:16

I understand you are angry, but I think your anger is misdirected. I think the main issue you should be concerned with is the fact your dd was sending unwanted and nasty texts to her son. I don't think she has done anything wrong.

AryaStarkWolf · 31/01/2020 13:17

YABU, be happy she didn't go to the school instead and have a word with your daughter

AryaStarkWolf · 31/01/2020 13:17

she admits her DS sent some nasty messages back, it wasnt all one sided.

Defended himself, you mean?

Whynosnowyet · 31/01/2020 13:18

This is why 10 year olds don't need phones...
Imo.

Star81 · 31/01/2020 13:19

This is why social media is not advised for children of this age. They are not mature enough to use it and understand the repercussions it can have.

As a parent it’s up to you to either say no to your child having it as it’s not appropriate for them to have it or actually police it daily and properly (however, snapchat is generally not able to be seen once sent so this is just totally inappropriate for 10 year olds)

Menora · 31/01/2020 13:20

Perhaps your friend is concerned that you wouldn’t take it seriously and deal with it, so she was protecting her child. Seems she was right?

WhoFramedRoger · 31/01/2020 13:22

Jesus Christ, 10 year olds on snap chat?!!

IndecentFeminist · 31/01/2020 13:22

So he responded? That makes no difference IMO.

I think the fact that this was to so with some sort of relationship and her not getting what she wanted makes it worse for me. It isn't just 'silly kids' stuff'.

Crazycrazylady · 31/01/2020 13:23

Another one here who thinks you anger is misplaced.
Standard advice around bullying is not to approach the parents but to approach the school instead. That's what i would have done,

Urkiddingright · 31/01/2020 13:23

They’re too young to have phones, it’s completely unnecessary and they definitely shouldn’t have snapchat!

I don’t blame your friend for messaging your DD at all, your DD was bullying and harassing her DS. You do realise a ten year old has criminal responsibility, right?

managedmis · 31/01/2020 13:24

You need to use paragraphs

Original poster
MeetmeinParis · 31/01/2020 13:24

@Menora where have I said I'm not taking it seriously?.
DD has snapchat, I admit I dont know how to use it and I do police my DD phone however snapchat deletes so I cant see those, she doesn't have access to any other SM and it isn't unfettered. I was trusting her as shes generally very sensible, I think things have just got out of hand and I'd have dealt with it before it got to this stage, had I been told about it.

OP posts:
TARSCOUT · 31/01/2020 13:24

I am more concerned you don't check a 10 year olds phone to know this was going on!

Menora · 31/01/2020 13:26

You aren’t taking it seriously

You have blamed your friend for how she dealt with it
Felt threatened by her husband being upset
Have no idea what your child is doing on SM at age 10
Think that bullying is ‘just kids stuff’

You also never explained how you would have handled it except it wasn’t really a big deal to you. But it was to your friend. So there you go

BillHadersNewWife · 31/01/2020 13:26

Yes it deletes! That's why 10 year olds shouldn;t have it!

keepingbees · 31/01/2020 13:26

From my experience a lot of parents defend their child when approached first and don't sort out the issue.
She sent a message and told you she'd done it. Nothing underhand at all. She was obviously monitoring her child's social media to know this was happening, which you should be too at 10 years old to be honest.
You also need to speak to your dd about how she speaks to people.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 31/01/2020 13:27

No need for 10 year old to have a phone so I would remove it ASAP
Also tell other parents there is a class Snapchat as that’s not ok two I’d get that removed ( think age is 13 like Facebook)
I’d be more concerned that adults could message her!!