To think my friend should have spoken to me first?....

[MeetmeinParis]

I'll try to cut this down as I have a tendency to ramble!. I have a good friend whom I met through DD, she is very opinionated and extremely confident in herself and her opinions, she has a tendency to dominate conversations with her opinion and it is difficult to challenge her on these opinions. That said, she is generally lovely and we get on well, I haven't seen much of her in the last 6 months as we dealt with illness and subsequent death of a close relative, she didnt make a huge effort to support me through this as she is always busy, volunteers for every pta activity, local group etc etc so in short, I haven't been as close with her as we were.
She messaged me last night to say that there had been some issues with my DD messaging her DS and that it had got nasty, stated that there were various issues with the class snapchat group and some nastiness (kids are just turned 10). She told me she had her DS phone and had replied to my DD herself. I saw the message on my DD phone this am and it was very to the point, please stop this etc etc and not threatening in any way but I am really angry that she did this rather than message me weeks ago (she says this is how long it's been going on) telling me there was an issue so that we could sort it out before now. I have told her I'm not happy at how it was done and feel as we are friends I would have preferred the chance to deal with this myself. For reference, my DD had asked her DS to be her boyfriend, when he said no, she persisted and then at one point called him a weirdo then said she hated him, nasty and will be dealt with but silly kids stuff really. AIBU in thinking she should have come to me rather than messaging my 10 YO?.
When I challenged her she said, "believe me this is not how Bob (the boys Dad) wanted to deal with this, I found that a bit threatening?. I need perspective!.....

Yes, or as WendyMoiraAngelaDarling says, hide the thread. I am going to hide it now as it is going to go round in circles.

Good luck

Just go have a cup of tea and FGS educate yourself. Don’t go into this blindly and assuming it’s all innocent fun. It can easily become more serious. I think you are embarrassed that the friend over stepped the line but in all honesty it’s clear on reflection she didn’t have the faith in you that you would deal with it - learn from it

@WendyMoiraAngelaDarling ineill have to I think!.
I will ne dealing with DD I haven't yet as I learned of this at 11pm last night and left for work before DD was up this am. She isn't a bad kid and her and this boy have been friends since they were 4.
Now please, no more with the she shouldn't have snapchat, I'm an old fart, I genuinely thought it was for filtered photos!, bunny ears and the like.
To.clarify, I'm not angry at my friend, we have talked (ironically via WhatsApp as I'm at work) and I've said I understand why she did what she did but that I wished she'd come to me first.

I'm of the opinion that it takes a village and all that. As long as she wasn't rude and wouldn't kick off if you did the same to her DS, then all is well. I mean it's never a nice feeling, knowing your child has done wrong. But it's all done now, no need to hold onto it anymore.

This sort of thing happens A LOT in year 6 when they all get phones etc. In our school police had to come in and do a talk due to some messaging. The parents had no idea - none of us did.

It is a wake up call and a chance to have a calm chat with your dd about yes adults/other kids can find out what you post etc. She has learned a valuable lesson as have others in the group. And it’s a wake up as parents that kids are up to all sorts - I’ve heard so many mates say ‘oh my ds isn’t into messaging etc’ and yet they are busy on class chats!

Don’t beat yourself up - I’ve heard this sort of thing loads.

Maybe say to your mate - thanks for dealing with this and let me know if anything else happens - it’s new to us...

Your DD’s phone is not being policed by you because you can’t see the messages she sends and receives via Snapchat...

MeetMeInParis, I think your friend is very aware that you have been through the mill recently and has been trying not to bring any more stress to your door. She was probably trying to spare you.
She did tell you after the final straw, but had likely been hoping the DCs would just stop arsing about before it got that far.
You need your friends at a time like this.

I agree with the overwhelming majority on here who have said YABU and your DD should not have access to Snapchat. OP, I hope you are going to apologise to your friend and accept she has not been in the wrong here.

I expect your friend assumed you were checking your DD's phone (as she does her DS's).

She got in touch when she felt the need to take action and guessed you weren't keeping an eye on things after all. It sounds as if she is a good friend and one with a balanced view of the way children behave.

Don't feel too bashed OP. This is all very useful really. No serious harm has been done and you have learnt more about social-media+children in time to prevent trouble in the future.

I understand you are deleting snapchat and this is the correct thing to do, particularly as the age restriction is 13.

However, I think that a wider chat about e safety is needed with your dd. My kids were taught at school that you should never put something on group message/social media etc that you would be unhappy about being published on the front page of the newspaper. It doesn't matter what app is used, anything (even autodeleting stuff) can be screenshotted and reposted and therefore can go viral. It is best for your dd to learn this now as things can really escalate as children become teens. Also she is leaving an indelible electronic footprint.

Sending mean messages can be classed as cyber bullying. Essentially this 10yo boy was told he was weird and being that he has a device, this came to his own home. His father is obviously very angry and probably wanted to inform the school at the very least, perhaps he wanted to come over to your house and shout at you and your dd. Not saying that is OK, but just saying that you shouldn't really be pissed at your friend's conduct. She has obviously tried to diffuse the situation. I don't think it was problematic for her to text your dd. She did it from her ds's number and it was a simple message to stop. Basically if your dd did not stop after that, it would be harrassment because your dd has clearly been told to stop and that contact is unwanted. Plus, she let you know that she had sent the message so there was no impersonation going on, she was honest. But here, another lesson for your dd is that you cannot truly know who electronic communications come from, just because they come from a particular person's device/account or appear to.

Look, it's not such a bad fuck up at this stage, don't beat yourself up, just make sure you direct your feelings correctly. Concentrate on e safety for your dd as however you try to restrict/monitor her usage, the bottom line is she can get round it and you need to have her on board attitude wise about what she can and can't post. I'd apologise to the friend, say you've had a rough time lately and will review what's going on online. Even so, friend is not perfect, her 10yo has snapchat after all!

Thank goodness my kids are grown up. Snap chat and 10yrs olds, very scary stuff

Not all one sided, he sent nasty messages BACK.
I think you're missing the point here. YOU should know what she's up to on sm, why has she got a phone at 10 ffs. You're child started this. This is bullying and you're lucky she didn't involve the school. Apologise profusely, deal with dd and get over yourself. Youreblaming the wring person.

I think she has dealt with it badly, but it seems an apt time to talk to your daughter about social media use, and set time limits and further rules about using her phone.

Can someone please advise how I get this deleted, I told you I was a technophobe! Thank you for the more gentle responses, I was wrong and I accept that.

IMO - take your dd off social media!!!! class snapchat groups for that age - just asking for trouble. honestly, your dd needs more guidance and help, and you need to do it. 10 is way too young IMO.

I wouldn't let them on Snapchat for a start , too young and don't understand the consequences of sending these kind of messages , when my oldest was old enough and joined social media I joined every app she did and learned how they operate . You should take her off and punish her for the bad messages . As for the other mother I think she could have talked to you first about it , but maybe she felt she couldn't or that you knew about it already

If you want the thread deleted, click 'report' on one of your own posts and message MNHQ to do it. Please read my post above though before deletion as I have tried to help.

Most ten year olds do have phones by the way, do keep up.

90% have them in Y6.

www.theguardian.com/society/2020/jan/30/most-children-own-mobile-phone-by-age-of-seven-study-finds

My daughter was bullied very badly on Instagram - girls and boys calling her a 'weirdo'. It really really affected her. Your dd needs some help in understanding that. Please nip it in the bud now before she becomes a teenager and wants her privacy. 10 year olds shouldn't be on social meida at all IMO. they are way too young and immature.

@zasknbg I have and thank you, I appreciate it.

You son presumably can delete it. I think you need to go on line and read about social media. You say yourself you know very little, you need to educate yourself before giving it to your dd. I have a 9 yo. There is no way in hell he will be allowed on social media in a year or two.

Juliette20 they might have a phone for emergencies, but hardly any of my ds friends have smart phones. Honestly I don't think kids that age need them. What do they need them for?

I really do think it's better if the school deal with it first.

Going direct to parents can often have unpleasant and unforeseen consequences.

Although nothing was 'bad' in the text she sent to your daughter I think she went about it the wrong way. Your daughter doesn't really have any comeback against adults and the boy has entirely behaved well either

Maybe the phone thing depends on the area. No one at dc's school has phones yet and it goes up to grade 6. We are also in a major city but it's not done here.