To think my friend should have spoken to me first?....

[MeetmeinParis]

I'll try to cut this down as I have a tendency to ramble!. I have a good friend whom I met through DD, she is very opinionated and extremely confident in herself and her opinions, she has a tendency to dominate conversations with her opinion and it is difficult to challenge her on these opinions. That said, she is generally lovely and we get on well, I haven't seen much of her in the last 6 months as we dealt with illness and subsequent death of a close relative, she didnt make a huge effort to support me through this as she is always busy, volunteers for every pta activity, local group etc etc so in short, I haven't been as close with her as we were.
She messaged me last night to say that there had been some issues with my DD messaging her DS and that it had got nasty, stated that there were various issues with the class snapchat group and some nastiness (kids are just turned 10). She told me she had her DS phone and had replied to my DD herself. I saw the message on my DD phone this am and it was very to the point, please stop this etc etc and not threatening in any way but I am really angry that she did this rather than message me weeks ago (she says this is how long it's been going on) telling me there was an issue so that we could sort it out before now. I have told her I'm not happy at how it was done and feel as we are friends I would have preferred the chance to deal with this myself. For reference, my DD had asked her DS to be her boyfriend, when he said no, she persisted and then at one point called him a weirdo then said she hated him, nasty and will be dealt with but silly kids stuff really. AIBU in thinking she should have come to me rather than messaging my 10 YO?.
When I challenged her she said, "believe me this is not how Bob (the boys Dad) wanted to deal with this, I found that a bit threatening?. I need perspective!.....

Perhaps focus on the teaching/learning opportunity presented here with your daughter?

She needs to understand that no means no, and learn to accept a no with good grace.

She also needs to learn that you do not use social media to abuse, bully and harass people who have upset you, or it can have very serious consequences that you had not foreseen.

This is what's most important. And perhaps that she takes ownership of her inappropriate behaviour, and apologises?

It's easy to be angry at your friend for not having dealt with it as you feel she should have dealt with it given your friendship, but that's not what is important here. And by what you've said, you're both very busy people, with a lot going on in your lives, which possibly means that you're both going to be a bit more abrupt in your dealings with such matters.

I have 2 teenagers age 15 and 17 and they did not have smartphones until they were 12 years old (and not iPhones) they had very limited phone data, social media downloads were not allowed, when they were allowed SM it had to be via my own email accounts and I had the passwords. I also have a parent safe filter on my broadband

And no I’ve never had a parent confront my child for inappropriate behaviour

Yep your friends comments are threatening , she has no time for you she not your friend.

I would be v concerned about a child trying to date at 10!!! Via as phone !! And the way she handled rejection is disturbing

Your 10 year old has a phone with snapchat on?! Jesus Christ op, sort it out.

Wtf are 10 year olds doing on snapchat! I've seen it all now

I gather that despite her behaviour you have not taken away her phone or banned her from Snapchat? You haven’t shown her any consequences?

Honestly I despair. Parents like you make my children’s lives a lot harder. At school and socially. Parents going into school angry their child got a detention. No real consequences for bad behaviour, allowing them to do things to keep them happy instead of safe. It’s really really serious OP! Social media is dangerous! What are you thinking? Children are at so many risk on there and you are completely bloody ignorant to it all

My DD had asked her DS to be her boyfriend, when he said no, she persisted and then at one point called him a weirdo then said she hated him, nasty and will be dealt with but silly kids stuff really.

You need to be policing your 10yo's phone. Especially SnapChat. 10yos are not mature enough for SnapChat.

Your dd clearly is not mature or sensible enough to use it.
Don't minimise her behaviour! She asked someone out (at 10) then when he turned her down she gets nasty.

That's not 'silly kids stuff'; that's online bullying. I'd be coming down hard on her. Ther behaviour would be a big deal to me.

No more phone or SM until I was confident she could handle it. Write a letter apologising to the boy.

As for your friend's behaviour, fair enough. Perhaps she didn't talk to you because she thought you'd minimise your dd's behaviour?

You’ve shown a real lapse in parenting judgment.

You say you “don’t know how to use snapchat” not good enough. If you let your little girl have it (bonkers) then you should be au fait with it at a very minimum. You can save messages. You should know this.

The messages would have been nipped in the bud if you were actually monitoring. But you were not. So please review this, you need to cop on to SM and how it’s used and if it should be used by your Dd. Evidence suggests absolutely not.

Other mum stepped in where you have failed.

TAke it on the chin and get your shit together.

Just to clarify, she has openly said she didn't feel he wasnt being bullied by her and they are both a bad as each other (her words) and that there had been lots of kids messaging each other not just DD but why not bring this to my attention immediately rather than let it get to this stage?. I am and will be dealing with it, please believe me, I will be deleting snap chat from her phone, I thought it was harmless but it seems not. We are close friends, I just found it strange she couldn't say to me, listen I've seen some stuff that concerns me etc etc.
I repeat that DD phone is monitored and I have admitted she possibly shouldn't have snapchat, I'm old, I haven't used it so I wasnt aware of how it all worked. I should have educated myself first but I dont need more people telling me this shouldn't be on her phone, I get it now.
They are all obsessed by having "boyfriends" and "girlfriends" atm as they are learning about relationships at school, I'm sure all kids at this age do this kind of thing at some point.

You can save snapchat messages, your daughter is choosing not to. It is a rule of mine that if my daughter uses snapchat, all messages must be saved. If she goes against me, the phone is removed. She is 11. However, due to a number of issues with whatsap, my daughter now hasn't had her phone since September and that is likely to continue as she has been a much happier child.

I'm not going to say I'm a perfect parent - I gave in to my child's request for snapchat and whatsap. But I've learnt from it. They both allow for classroom issues to spill over into personal time. Boyfriend issues, teasing, petty arguments. If you're not going to closely monitor your child's phone, then you have no one to blame for this situation other than yourself I'm afraid Mx

How she handled it really isn’t the main issue here and if you can’t see that you need to step back and think for a minute.

I agree with others your DD should not have a snapchat - I don't agree with children not having access to SM as they grow up all around it but you do actively as police it when they are young. Snapchat is one that is just not appropriate for 10yr olds. My dd is 15 but wanted it desperately at 12 it was straight no from me. Now shes not interested in having it as she can see the issues it causes amongst her peers. If you are going to allow your child to have SM you really need to be able to see what they are doing and you need to educate yourself on it.

Back to your question- you said yourself that the message wasnt threatening so I think its fine. She as a friend to you probably didn't escalate it via the school like she would have done if it was another child. Like others I would be more concerned about your DDs behaviour.

OP, Snapchat is possibly one of the worst SM platforms for a child to have, precisely becasue it deletes and you have no knowledge of whats being said/sent/filmed. It is a brreding gorund for bullying and grooming for young kids.

Your DD has been horrible, and behaved in a way that needs punshing, delete snapchat, do not allow her back on it. Monitor her phone and apps she uses properly.

Your friend has done nothing wrong.

No no no

You should be apologising to your friend and DD to her son. Stop focusing on this ‘friend’ I am not sure you actually like her because you made it clear in the OP to set the scene that she is confident and speaks her mind whereas you seem meek and really weak on this point

You fucked up. You need to get on the internet yourself and learn stuff. Your child doesn’t need to hear you bad mouthing someone else’s parent who tried to protect their child. Get a grip and sort your own house out

There is no way that snapchat is suitable for any 9 / 10 year olds, group chat or otherwise.

If you don’t know how to use an app, then don’t let your DD have it either. You can’t police SC as it deletes automatically, so you haven’t effectively monitored her use of the phone.

There’s a reason social media has age limits.

And this is why I'm so vehemently against young children having phones despite people saying I'm unreasonable all the time.
If you don't even understand how an app works and what your child is up to, how can you be surprised when the shit hits the fan? Parent your child! Protect your child from this shit!

And no, none of my kids did similar at the same age.

Would have been good to contact you first , particularly as you are friends , but as the message was to the point and not threatening I don't think it's a problem. She could have gone to the school and that would have made matters worse. You should focus on explaining to your DD that her behaviour was unacceptable.

Well I voted YABU based on your OP, however the bit about her son sending your dd nasty messages too is a drip feed but it does change things.

Get your dd’s phone and text him to give him the same message that she sent to your dd. See how she likes it.

What Year is your Dd at school? Y5?

It’s far too young to have a phone, IMO.

IM 43 and have a teen and as such I now have snapchat and tiktok just so I know what the hell they are on about. We also have screen limits, opening monitoring and a constant dialogue about SM.

I think your anger is misplaced. I can why it irked you but I don’t think the mum has done anything wrong. She stepped in where you didn’t

YABU

I'm afraid as the mum she is free to deal with this as she likes.

Personally, if it is a school thing, I think she should have gone via the class teacher, IMHO.

Deal with your dd and make sure it's sorted your end.

If this ends the friendship between you and your friend, so be it. It does sound like you are not that close.

Probably, she didn't think it through and she felt upset, so I can see why she did it. Even though I don't agree with her doing it that way.

And get your child off Snapchat, IMHO. Looking on line and "Snapchat has a minimum age requirement of 13 years old, and users who enter a date of birth under 13 can't set up an account."

So 10 is too young to be on social media! Whose idea was that?

You actually have to be 13 to even have the app and there is NO need for a 10yo to have a phone. This is why things like this happen. Social media just like games and films, have age limits.
And before someone makes a bite back at me. I am 24 and even rarely use them myself.

You say you Police her phone,you can’t with snapchat, it’s kind of the point of it
10 year olds should not be on SM and you are giving a great example why.
Class Snapchat in Y5 or 6? Seriously?

I'm not going to lay into you in a lengthy post but this is YOU. Not your friend. YOU are at fault here. I'm surprised you can't see it tbh.

@Menora you seem intent on keeping at me. I have said I will ne dealing with it and I have apologised profusely, I'm not in any way defending what my DD has done or said and I have admitted an error of judgement. I asked for opinions on whether it was appropriate for a 40 year old to text a 10 year old when she could have spoken to me about it.
I have repeatedly explained her phone is policed. I have never had issues like this with her before and I'm horrified, she is a quiet child who does well at school, it's got out of hand.