To think my friend should have spoken to me first?....

[MeetmeinParis]

I'll try to cut this down as I have a tendency to ramble!. I have a good friend whom I met through DD, she is very opinionated and extremely confident in herself and her opinions, she has a tendency to dominate conversations with her opinion and it is difficult to challenge her on these opinions. That said, she is generally lovely and we get on well, I haven't seen much of her in the last 6 months as we dealt with illness and subsequent death of a close relative, she didnt make a huge effort to support me through this as she is always busy, volunteers for every pta activity, local group etc etc so in short, I haven't been as close with her as we were.
She messaged me last night to say that there had been some issues with my DD messaging her DS and that it had got nasty, stated that there were various issues with the class snapchat group and some nastiness (kids are just turned 10). She told me she had her DS phone and had replied to my DD herself. I saw the message on my DD phone this am and it was very to the point, please stop this etc etc and not threatening in any way but I am really angry that she did this rather than message me weeks ago (she says this is how long it's been going on) telling me there was an issue so that we could sort it out before now. I have told her I'm not happy at how it was done and feel as we are friends I would have preferred the chance to deal with this myself. For reference, my DD had asked her DS to be her boyfriend, when he said no, she persisted and then at one point called him a weirdo then said she hated him, nasty and will be dealt with but silly kids stuff really. AIBU in thinking she should have come to me rather than messaging my 10 YO?.
When I challenged her she said, "believe me this is not how Bob (the boys Dad) wanted to deal with this, I found that a bit threatening?. I need perspective!.....

OP

Just plopping this link here for you, it's very good resource for explaining social media to parents.

www.net-aware.org.uk/networks/snapchat/

I think your friend was in the right and that you should have been monitoring your dd’s phone use.
I have a ten year old dd. She doesn’t have a phone and she will get one when she goes to secondary school. She will not have snapchat precisely because it deletes.

You have dropped the ball. As long as your friend wasn’t aggressive towards your dd, she responded reasonably.

All my dd’s friends bar one have a phone. She doesn’t. She is 10 but year 5.

If nothing else op the thread might make a few more of us check our kids’ phones. I’m glad you and friend sorted it, none of us is perfect.

If my kid is being a knob and an adult pulls them up on it, its deserved and I wouldnt be upset 🤷‍♀️

You've made massive mistakes here, sometimes we do as parents. What matters now is how you handle this, and that you're more informed about things in future.

I wonder if your friend didn't want to bother you with it as you have enough on your plate?
No point getting your DD in trouble if you didn't need to be told.

Turn the parental controls on on her phone

YABU. I think she handled it brilliantly.

You DD is not mature enough for a phone. She can have a Nokia brick and that's it. Revisit in another 3 years or so.

I understand that you wish your friend had come to you first, but maybe she assumed (as I would and anyone I know!) that you were monitoring her phone and had either chosen not to address it or that your intervention hadn't had the desired effect. I would be astonished to learn that kids of that age were able to send and receive messages that their parents weren't even capable of checking, let alone that they were just being allowed to crack on without any supervision.

Also, a small concern is that you say you saw this message on your daughter's phone this morning, having been alerted to it last night. I really hope that this doesn't mean that your daughter has unrestricted access to her phone in her bedroom overnight?! Because that would also be hugely concerning and far from ideal as far as preventing her unwanted behavior but mostly the risk of online grooming.

There are lots of online cyber-awareness courses that you can do, and that you can share with your daughter. Hopefully, as upsetting as this was and however you feel about the way your friend handled it, it has at least given you the chance to arm yourself with better information about how to keep your kids safe online.

And sorry for the loss of your mum - I can completely see how that could have been all-consuming and it's easy to take your eye of the ball when normal life seems suspended like that. Perhaps your friend has been letting things slide because of it as well?

You allow your child to use unsupervised social media when she is clearly not mature enough to do so ( no 10 year old is) and now you are whinging ! Go and parent your child

Why does a 10 year old have snap chat in the first place?

I am sorry for the loss of your Mum and I appreciate this will make everything harder to deal with.
I attended a civility in the workplace seminar and they brought up a point which could be important to discuss with your daughter, this is bullying is not defined by whether it was meant to bullying, but rather how it made the recipient felt. She may not gave felt what she said was bullying, but if it made the boy feel bullied it was.

I suggest you spend a good while going through the guidance from the NSPCC about online security for your kids. Being a technophobe is no excuse, it really isn't.

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/online-safety/

I was trusting her as shes generally very sensible

Meetme, with the greatest courtesy - she is TEN YEARS OLD.
Please do not trust her with internet access.
Your faith in her is touching, but look at the fallout from her chatting to a boy her own age, on a medium you cannot police because snapchat deletes so I cant see those.

You say she doesn't have access to any other SM and it isn't unfettered. Don't be too sure of that. How do you know what else she has deleted, what other sites her schoolmates are excited about, what she may even have viewed on a friend's similarly unpoliced phone?

The fallout from her class snapchat is ... unpleasant to have to deal with, but entirely manageable.
The fallout, should she venture onto other sites, & believe that she knows who she is chatting with, could be immense.

I hope you are able to use this as a teaching moment for DD, & that you are able to focus on rebuilding bridges with your confident friend. The friend may even have some tips on how she polices her son's phone usage - so use this opportunity to forget about feeling upset that she dealt with this as a parent first, & friend second.

Apologies from DD, contrition & common sense from you, & no doubt your confident friend will appreciate your reaction this time, because her saying believe me this is not how Bob (the boys Dad) wanted to deal with this doesn't sound like a threat to me, it sounds like an affronted reaction to you focusing on your friendship with her, rather than the upset to her son.

So in your friend's view, her response was telling you that this IS her dealing with it in as friendly a manner as possible under the circumstances. Take it on the chin, educate DD, & emulate your friend's confidence & assertion - it'll all come out in the wash so long as you can ensure DD understands why what she did was wrong.

Harassing him, calling him a weirdo and saying she hates him is NOT silly kid stuff. It's bullying, and you facilitated that by giving her a phone and letting her do what she wants without monitoring it.

I might be nothing to you but by the sounds as if it's been going on for a while .... that poor boy, have you thought about he felt? How would you feel if it had been the other way around?
Stop worrying about playing the victim with regard to your friend's response and parent your daughter.

Am I the only one who thinks it's a shame children can't be children? It's really not a parent's business to monitor every interaction between peers. I hardly think this scenario, as described, warrants direct parental involvement. A ten year old girl had a crush on a ten year old boy, she expressed her interest, got rejected and called him a "weirdo." And for that his mommy has to intervene on his behalf?

I would want the parent to contact me, so I could teach my child not to behave that way. But, uh, children have been behaving that way since the dawn of time. This is how they learn NOT to behave that way. OP's mom is lucky she didn't escalate it to the school? Really? I'd hope the school would be prepared to tell both parents that this is within the realm of normal and a learning experience for both children. I wonder what the boy said to her that made her feel so rejected. (I have only boys, so not siding with OP's DC because she is a girl -- but because she is a child.) I would also hope the boy involved would be taught how to treat others.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, OP.

A snapchat group made up of 10 years olds is a very bad idea! You need to be more vigilant if you allow your child to have access to these apps.
I don't think your friend was as out of order as you think.

@NotALurker2 children aren't being children when they're spending their lives on social media (against them terms and conditions of the site).

I’d be more concerned a 10 yr old is obsessed with boys and turns nasty when he says no. 🙄🙄
Take the phone off her and speak to her about boundaries and appropriate behaviour because hers is bloody concerning!
Your friend was in the right and you’re blinkered and naive about your little darling.

I've only read your posts OP.

Lots of kids this age have stuff they shouldn't be on Facebook, Snapchat etc. I'm like you not up with all the technology. Luckily my kids are grown up. I work with this age group and believe me I bet half the parents don't know what they are up to because they are a whizz at Technology and show each other if someone doesn't know how to put it on their phones or use it. I had a chat last year about Technology and the pros and cons. Lots didn't realise that they shouldn't have a Facebook account at that age. It was an interesting discussion for both of us. They were great and I was on about keeping themselves safe.

If I were you i would take the phone from her for a few days then she will take it seriously. The other mum should not be messaging your child and if a friend Yes I would also expect her to start with telling you. If it is a class snapchat I think you should have a quiet word and inform the class teacher then s/he can use it as a chance to look at Safe Guarding in Technology.I would tell the mum what you are doing. They do fall in and out a lot at this age. Lots of hormones raging!

why not bring this to my attention immediately rather than let it get to this stage

Because it never occured to her that you didn't already know?
Because she would be gobsmacked to learn that it NEEDED bringing to your attention? - meaning she possibly thought that you already knew, & weren't much bothered?

My 12 year old wants snap chat, it’s a no. I every night go through her phone. I’ve contacted other parents when I’ve seen stuff, the school etc I have no issue bringing things to people’s attention if needed. I keep a close eye. My daughter knows one thing out of line and she gets a brick phone. She asked can she change her passcode, I informed her when she is an adult and pays her own phone bill she can until then I have all passwords etc or we loose access. Everything needs 2 step authentication and my email linked, she has no chance.

Honestly if I was the other parent I wouldn’t of bothered speaking to you I’d of gone straight to the school without confronting your child, we also have a good schools officer who welcomes parents concerns

I think you're right, OP. If this was another parent you barely knew, I could understand her just dealing with it with the school but she's your friend and from the time she knew this was going on, a serious word with you should have been the first approach. In any case, she should certainly not have made contact with your 10 year old, how is that appropriate??

Good idea to involve the school but whatever happened to picking up the phone first and saying to a friend "this is what's happened, this is how I intend to deal with it, I just wanted you to be aware." You don't wait three weeks then confront the child with further messages.

You clearly know you have other issues regarding your daughter's behaviour but as you didn't ask specifically about that, YANBU.

Get your dd’s phone and text him to give him the same message that she sent to your dd. See how she likes it.

Put the bong down & have a strong coffee @Highonpotandused - how is shit-stirring & one-upping gonna help OP, her DD, the friend or her son here?

I feel like this is a gender switch. The OP is making a girls will be girls (or is it really boys will be boys) argument for stalking/harassment.

I agree with you, as soon as she was aware that your child was causing grief with another she should have contacted you.
She's managed to entangle both you, your child and her entire family in children's relationship dramas of he said she said.
Learning to navigate round rejection is quite difficult at their age and your child just needs a bit more guidance.
I would probably contact her in a group message with any other mums thanking her for bringing it to your attention but that in future if your children are upsetting anyone else's, to contact you the parent immediately so that you sort it quicker.
You can't challenge your child/parent if you don't know it's going on, you're not psychic!